Saturday, 12 April 2008

Go back to work

Please lord, dont let my humans have too much holidays from work.........they exhaust me, My whole routine is upset by them selfishly having time off work. They interfere with my sleep patterns ( ie : 24/7).
Generally on a work day: the distubance is minimal, Twiggs comes down the stairs at 6 am , gives me a love, lets me out for a tinkle, feeds me..makes a coffee, lets me back out ( depends how cold it was the first time I went out), then I fall asleep to the sound of her hair dryer.......... then She gets shannon up -by calling her about 5 times the threatening to leave her upstairs on her own with the toilet monster............... Then shannon will come and get ready while twiggs puts the lunches together, nagging Shannon to get a bloomin wriggle on. Twiggs and shannon leave the house...................... reporting to TBG who is still snug in bed about what my bowel habits have been that morning ( Remember I told you they were obsessed, you didnt believe me)......
5 Mins later TBG comes down and gives me some munching........
Then depending on how cold it was earlier or if I have indeed done a Nellie Doodle, or if there is an R in the month and pigs have learnt to fly, i may go out for a walk with him.......Depends how invisible I can make myself on my bed, how much eye contact I can avoid or how sad and pathetic I can look, depends if TBG will yank me outta my bed and drag me out for a brisk walk.
The trick is to stall him as much as poss then he has only time to take me to the shop and back.
Then he is off to work.and its time to refine the 101 sleeping poses..." Ah Bliss ! "
Then One of them will have to ruin my day by not going to work.......... grumble grumble
So imagine all the steps listed above but with a big walk...and no chance of slipping into a coma.
If Twiggs is off then she is to and fro-ing with the vacuum ( you know that thing with the sucky pipe that tries to eat your nose and makes your eyes water if you dare to sniff at it.), polish, sorting drawers , cuboards out, messing about in the garden , clattering about in the kitchen, trapsing, banging, scraping.AAAAGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH ! I am trying to reach Zen !
Then getting dragged out again in the afternoon ( nope I will have yet another walk later, much to my disgust) to meet Shannon from school, even though she is old enough to walk her self home, Twiggs thinks I should have a walk at this time of day & suprise suprise, were off walking to meet the silent one........and all her scarey friends, the only bonus point is kids being kids they all eat sweets & crisps on the way home and leave offerings to the homework gods.which as he quite plainly doesnt exsist- from what I see Shannon do- I will have to snaffle...( but quickly before the lead is yanked upwards quicker than Pierpoint could have ever done it)
Then its home and more noise while tea is done and ironing is done.she is such a selfish woman.I shall have to send her to TBG school of having a day off..........
Which is roll downstairs a couple of hours after everyone has gone: Watch Only Fools and Horses, or fishing t.v or someone other cack as Twiggs says.... get dressed.....take Me for a wee walk to shop to get paper and sweets....come home and watch sweets...look in fridge for inspiration......think about things he could do, but isnt going to, think of excuses to give to Twiggs when she gets home....
Its FANTASTIC, just like he's not here : Just like a work day.....but with belly rubs....In fact I think Twiggs should go to night school to better herself, so she can get a better paid job, so TBG can stay at home with me and be my chief belly rubber...................... You know I think he may have been a Greyhound in a previous life.......Think Twiggs would agree

No comments: