Monday, 28 December 2009

Its Christmas !!!!!!!!!

Christmas was fun....... I can say I really really enjoyed Christmas this year...( well apart from the scolding due to the teddy liberation thinghy...which i refuse to take the blame for....I blame the teddy with the big mouth !!!!!!!!!.
Nanny Cheese came for Christmas...twigs kept saying we were having Nanny Cheese for Christmas....( well i did rather wonder how they were going to fit her in the oven..and WHO...was going to remove the giblets on that old bird !!!!!!!!.....didnt fancy any left overs from that !!!!
She was great fun..... she fed me whisky from that never ending glass of hers..Oh how she laughed until I helped myself leaving dog slobber all over ( and in) the glass...ooohhhh no not so funny then eh ?????
She fed me from the table...amid glares and tuts from the others..of course I had spent weeks mastering the doe eyed look and the look of " yes they always feed from the table,,its ok carry on !!"...... Nom nom nom...sprouts im not fussy at all..although every one smelt the same the night..I swear the air in this house was green that night..I had to lay on my bed sniffing clean air from the floor level...of course I got the blame very time.....even though Nanny Cheese was the main perpetrator....... and she just sat there smiling sweetly.....( unlike the rancid stench sneaking out of her rear end.)...Got my own back the next day when I really had the devil in me...... charging at her trying to play Nanny 10 pin bowling with me as the ball...and trying to eat the sappy faced gorilla off her prized Kipling bag.... ( well it was looking at me with a big soppy grin and making monkey noises and just had to be enliminated........)
I had a new rabbit toy..which still has its squeeker intact despite being slam dunked and thrown up the wall......give me time..the squeeker will die..........
Also I had extra treats...little bowls of nuts left on the table and little wrapped chocolates..well if things are to be left unattended..doggy law states quite clearly that edible ( ok then items deemed edible by us hounds..not you two leggers)such items left unattended for more than 5 minutes are clearly no longer required by you guys and are left for us to thats what i did...much to twiggs amusement- well im not sure if the bum face was a smirk or a grimace..its hard to tell these days)when TBG told her to check my Nellie doodles for bits of foil........mind you I had eaten abig Christmas dinner and had 3 big doodles in the garden...which TBG had left to go hard..and when she bent down to pick them up ...he turned the outside light off.... she turned the air blue when she came charging back in and caught everone laughing......and no she didnt check for foil.......
Christmas was good..despite the silly head wear...all I need now is for that home made Christmas pudding to fall out of the fridge into my bowl and my christmas will be complete x

Friday, 18 December 2009

Teddy Liberation Army must be nearly christmas...the obvious signs being they have put the tree tantrums this year, which I admit I was dissapointed with..its great to watch Ole Bumface crinkle those lips up as she gets wound up and starts throwing baubles about !!
Twiggs keeps disapearing upstairs to wrap gifts ( mine I hope..... although I havent told her what I want long as its rippable or not really too fussed, I know theres NO change of me getting next doors cat, so im not going to get my hopes up too much).
The Albino Emo has already had her gift....I havent a clue what it is...I think it could very well be edible..I havent seen it yet but it lives in a tank in her room ( poor thing, I wouldnt want to go in there, let alone live in that stinky room... Its called Phil from what I gather and eats crickets....which I dont think the Emo one likes very much...... I think she should donate the Phil thing to me for christmas...although she says it runs very fast....( can I when I chooose to you know)...for all I know it could be a road runner up I said best of luck to it sharing a room with the Ablino one.......
The reindeer rug has come out again and I have not had chance to lay opn it yet or beat it up as they have moved the room around.... mainly to stop me running full pelt into the room and jumping on the sofa and headbutting the window all the Twiggs has put it on the beanbag under the telly where I cant get at it.....however...... The Alino Emo was given a cute little xmassy teddy cpmplete with santa hat that lives under the tree.... I am NOT allowed near it...but it keeps calling my name when no one else is around, telling me it wants to play and doesnt like it stuck under the tree....... so I have to make sure the coast is clear sneak into the room and very very quietly stick my stealthly snout under the tree and liberate him...some times he is very good and comes quietly other times he wiggles and I have to throw him in the air and slam him to the ground to shush him up. Then one of the grumpy ones will come and get all angry and shouty with me and waggle him in front of me and tell me off... ( its not even as if the Emo ones want it..shes 14 ...TOO OLD FOR TEDDIES...and I am only 7 after all) then they put him under the tree again..where he keep laughing at me and begging me to free him.......

Wednesday, 28 October 2009

Enforced Doggy A. A

Not a happy hound at all........ My name sake Nel/ Helen/ Nanny Cheese has fallen and broken her shoulder ( she says she was sober- but you know it was lunch time and she had been shopping..and there was wine in those shopping bags!!!!! im not insinuating..just stating facts).. anyways my life has been thrown into doggy turmoil ... As Twiggs and Tbg are caring for is hetic to say the least TBG is staying with her and coming home for meals and clean washing etc- see twiggs ..HE IS TREATING THIS PLACE LIKE A HOTEL- Twiggs is cooking for her etc...anyway while they are running about after her I am not getting any cheese when I visit... as these two bozo's dont think to cut me any up... and she cant weld a knife at the I lay on her sofa willing her to go and open the fridge door so I can blooming well go and help myself before I slip into the crevices of her sofa never to be seen again as I am that skinny from lack of cheese .... They are not going to the beer church either due to looking after her...... so i havent seen land lady cheese for what feels like an bowls of pots of beer slops..ITS NOT FAIR...... They put my P.J's on as I am shivering as they think I am cold....yes I am cold... COLD TURKEY..... Just for your infromation I am home all day so if anyone wants to post me some cheese or a bottle of stout please feel free.

chuffin chuff chuff

Oh it seems I am in TBG's bad books.. he hasn't told me exactly..but I know, oh boy do i know about it alright...he seems to have adopted Twiggs bumface stance..what did I do.. nothing that's all.. or at least nothing I had control over anyway.
Tbg wlked me to the station to meet mardy pants Twiggs off the train or so I thought that was the plan, as I had just been fed, he had spent 30 mins staring vacantly into the fridge the another 30 minutes flicking through the tv channels at what Twiggs calls man saddo porn..... which I think means programs such as Hows its made, mythbusters etc and the Twiggs stomp outta the room all time favourite..only fools and horses... so it must have been Twigg's home off we trot towards the station when "Oh my " my tummy started rumbling and I knew I would have to make a Nellie doodle.. but of course I have to find the right spot even if my sphincter is contracting... IT HAS TO BE THE RIGHT SPOT......... so anyway, spot found, bowels emptied....... Old saddo picked it up again and put in a special bag..and off we trot very very fast... didn't understand what the hurry was, I thought maybe he needed a TBG doodle we were going that fast towards the station .............
I heard him mutter those rude rude words again.. but not in code like they use around the Albino Emo- proper rude words...
How was I to know that The Tornado... the first Steam train built in the modern day times was coming through the station and old sad pants wanted to cop a look at it... and all because "This Bloody Hound needed a pooh.. " he missed it ...just saw the back coaches going through the station... so its my fault now... and it didn't help that Twiggs saw it and told him he was a sad train spotting old git... next time I will hold it in and wait until the other train spotters are just about to take pictures and uncouple one of my own on the platform

Thursday, 10 September 2009


We have just come back from a holiday from wettest Wales in the Damper van... It rained and rained and these bozo's moaned that it rained so they not learn from past experiences ???? ( me if some thing upsets me..I just dont do that thing again.....- even if they try to bribe me - no they just keep going to the same place every year and maoning about the wet weather !!!! ?)
The Abino Emo was on fine form she didnt disterb my sleep at all thanks to the joys of a net book and an ipod thingy...she even managed to get bed hogger Twiggs to sleep in the tent with her..which ment Oh Joy..I got to sleep with TBG all on my own in the damper van...fab..loads of room and no one waking me in the night due to the fact they cant hold it in and need a I get shouted at if i wake every one due to needing a wee..and if i should wee in the house i get shouted at...whats that all about then ????
We did lots of walking...ho-hum..but for every long walk i did I got treated to an ice cream.. however what did i get for walking half way up snowdon ? A flake ? Sprinkles ? Strawberry sauce ? No the smae old plain ice cream.. i do feel hard done by, especially as they made me sit on top of the open top double decker bus on the way to Mount Snowdon.. Big deal I hear you say..but have you ever seen a greyhound get down the stairs on a double decker ? No..?... picture the scene.. my rump passed me and reached the bottom before me ..... I think I should at least have gotten sprinkles for that.

Thursday, 23 July 2009

Foiled again

I have been rumbled...............every night when they decide its time for their bed time I am shooed into the garden for a tinkle.....even if i don't want or need one and they wont leave me alone until I do..... and then when I come back in I get a nice rather tasty bit of cheese for my troubles then I am tucked into bed and given a big kiss goodnight........I have given up holding my breath for a bedtime story -
Any way as I don't always need a tinkle or as its cold out side I and I don't like being left in the cold I have taken to running behind the wall and pretending to have one...... then running back in to gobble the cheese...which in all fairness isnt really deceitful as I dont need to go and they dont need to know I haven't gone ..everyone is happy........
Except for last night when I was just hanging about counting to 20 waiting to spring back in when I had this feeling I was being watched...............I looked up and yes indeed TBG and my eyes met....his narrowed, mine widened and yup I wet myself on command ( well not quite..but it was a lot easier to perform after being caught !!!)
and I still got my cheese......... must try and be more cunning....

Wednesday, 10 June 2009

New Beer Church

I must admit my very very bestest ever beer church is the one owned by the Famous Land Lady Cheese and her never ending pots of cheese...two downs sides though...plastic chairs and no Nellie thrones....I cannot or will not hummilate myself by squeezing onto a plastic chair akin to those in pre school nurseries
( SMALL)..also when I went in the other week I nearly had heart lady cheese was not there serving ale and was Barry her he knows my passion for cheese..but I dont think he's a soft touch like LLC.....So I did the decent thing and sulked..thankful LLC came in later and produced her bowl of yellowness to my aching tummy..but honsetly I cant take many shocks like that !!!!
Themselves seem to have found a watering hole which involved a walk longer than 2 mins..which I wasnt happy about for starters...its a bit pokey inside..but the ale is good and they have big squishy comfy seats which I promptly divied on ( well it was a window was comfy..TBG was very embarrased as the landylady was watching me..but she laughed and told me to go for it so I did Nellie style.
The upside is comfy seats downside no porky puffs since these two are "Slimming" and there was a yappy jack russell thing keeping me awake at lease at LLC beer church the only other dog is farther Lambs dog Massie who is about 750 in dog years and she leaves me alone ( probally as the blind ole thing cant see me)
So its a quandry..comfy seats or cheese............think I know which will win dont you ?

Wednesday, 20 May 2009

OOOHHHH look at me Kate Moss

I am aware that I am of the attractive variety of its not me being vain ( ha, as if - its inbreed in us Greyhounds..ok in my case I was blessed with more than some)..people often tell me that I am a rather attractive hound and to phrase TBG " Such a pretty girl ....." ( I wont embarrass him buy saying what else he says to me ...........................
I am rather slim and lithe and very graceful ( ok I wont mention about walking into things whilst out for walkies) I would quite easily knock spots off the likes of Kate Moss no contest...
However modest I am about the beauty that has been bestowed upon me...I don't recall telling Twiggs that she could draw shes no Monet..more Bash Street Kids...she has taken to drawing me in cartoon form and making models of me again in cartoon form... I am rather hurt and offended that she has overlooked this graceful model quality that I possess and choose to portray me in the same style as Snoopy or Goofy.....lets hope she gets better and stops making models and drawing like a pre-school child and can refine her work to show me in my true light.......
Either that or I eat her pencil case

Wednesday, 6 May 2009

Wheres my belly cushion ??????

Ok the worse swear word I have ever heard is Healthy eating...grrrrr even the thought of it makes me shudder all the way to the very end of my slinky tail.....
Well thats whats happening in our house.........
Gone are all the chances of a spare crisp or chocolate being dropped ( well never ever with Twiggs as shes way too greedy- so no change there then) ready to be hooverd up by yours truly and her amazing vacuuming snout.
No left overs apart from vegetables ( which incidentally much to my disgust are not place immediately in my they are put to one side to mixed in with my next meal) nope no chance of any left overs as TBG is always so hungry and never seems to sure when he will get fed next ( now he knows how it feels )
As soon as Twiggs gets in from work TBG meets her at the door and all she hears is " can I have my tea ? Whatsfortea ? IsitKebab ? sayitsKebab please..canihaveteanow please ?..without taking a breath...and she laughs at If I do that ( which I have to admit I do tend to do every night..They dont find that funny.....and I get made to go it the garden and do my kangaroo impersonation ( have a wee-wee)..I dont see her sending upstairs to empty his bladder....Odd that.
They are losing weight..bad bad thing..they have more energy bad bad lets go for more walkies..bad thing....they don't go to the beer church as much..bad bad thing.
When I snuggle on the sofa Tbg has lost his Big belly cushion and isnt anywhere near as squishy any more...... I may have to buy him one of those pretend bellies that fathers to be sometimes wear so I can squish up next to him in comfort..or just sit on Twiggs..theres loads of snuggillyness left on that one.

Lick The Lid Of Life !!!

Ok so we all know that the big white cuboardy thing belongs to me, no one else but me.That includes every thing in in also ( that is apart from cucumber and those yacky red tomatoey things that belong to Twiggs and that nasty rash cream belonging to the Albino emo who smothers herself in should a single ray of sunshine ever caress the pasty skin that covers that sullen body).
I know that is also where the cow juice lives which I adore, although they have taken to calling it moo moo , cow and bovine stuff and spelling it out M-I-L-K so I dont hound them the minute they open the cavern of loveliness to get it out, but I know what they are on about.
There are lots a good things kept in the Nellie Temple and only once more I wish I had pose able thumbs so i could open that door ( I would only have agood mooch inside and really honestly I wouldn't snaffle everything in there.
Best of all there are YOGURTS !!!!!!
This is amber nectar created for the goddess Nellie...I so love yogurt and its low fat ( well in our house it is) and its full of moo juice and calcium which is superb for my bones......I have a certain brand which I adore most of all as the tub is fat and squat and I am able to get my snout right in there...some times TBG buys huge pots which although I can get my whole head in they scare me as I cant breath once my face is encased in the plastic pot.
Muller lights....licking the lid of life...although I am NOT allowed to lick the lid in case it "Cuts" my big floppy tongue...more like that's TBG's favourite bit.
Cherry that is the best although Twiggs is still sulking as they have withdrawn the chocolate one....maybe one day I may get the change to try that.,,although if its Twiggs that's eating it I doubt very much she would save me any.
Now my Muller addiction has gotten so bad TBG has to sneak it out of the Food tardis, with the yogurt in his pocket and sneak past me....... Now Im really not that silly Ive seen Twiggs and its rather obvious what the bulge in his trousers it means its yogurt time ....Hurraaaaahhhhh......... Normally I am rather good and will wait ...but I just cant....which is normally met with " Bugger off nellie".........I wait all twitchy like an addict until its mine all mine ( that's unless he has put in the freezer...which was rather unpleasant the first time I yoinked my nose in the tub...not only did I have frost bite I nearly broke my snout !!!!!!!!!!!!!
I think I may get Twiggs to write to these yogurt geniuses and request a special Nellie flavoured one...... mmmmmmmmmm cheese ?.... mmmmmmmmmm chicken ? or next doors cats ???? Maybe we could ask for a multi pack ?

Thursday, 2 April 2009

Mind Your Beeswax

" Sigh....!"

Im being punished yet again, once more for some thing I claim I am not guilty of.....

Twiggs had been shopping and had brought me a new chongy bone after I had run through the house showing each room my new eatible toy..I settled down for some jaw exercises..whilst Twiggs hoovered down stairs........( which took forever)

She had moved lots of stuff around to hoover properly................

Then she started on the upstairs...... I whad a wander out into the garden and upon my return I couldnt seem to locate my new chongy bone..I started to panic a bit in case the dreaded phantom squirrel had snook in and stolen it...... then I spied it hiden behind the little stand thing the phone sits I dragged it out and settled onto the newly vacuumed rug and began to chomp......

Hmmmmmmmm this bone tastes funny and feels sort of waxy in my mouth........ I chobbled a bit more...then a bit more...yes indeed it did taste funny !!!

Horrors It was not my bone I had picked up, I had mistakenly picked up Twigg's ornamental candle..and had chewed it to bits leaving a waxy mound spread all over the rug..a million zillion crumbles everywhere...Oh No what Could I do.....I did the decent thing and went to find my bone pretending nothing had happened...until..

Twiggs came back down stairs and said several rude words that I dont think i have ever heard of before...It was a mistake and how was I to know it was something The Albino emo had brought her and was very speicla tasted very nasty to me.

So she has now hoovered ( again) told me off....and is currently trying to break the world record for holding the bumface the longest.....
I am sat on my bed and she has the hoover apart trying to dislodge wax from inside it....... ooooppppps !!

Monday, 30 March 2009

Turn The clocks BACK !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Some one has stolen an hour from me and I am not happy about it at all.
Who has cant just disappear ?

OK...Own Up which Numpty said we have to put the clocks forward ?
I am really really NOT happy about this fact.

I lose an hours sleep.....A WHOLE HOUR !!!!!( Ok so I maybe gained one 6 months ago ( I cant remember as I was asleep at the time)

Horrors..... Yesterday morning Twiggs came plodding down stairs AN HOUR me up for my breakfast..which i dutifully ate then retired back to my bed....An hour early..
I was taken by the pair of them to the park ( which did alarm me as normally when they both drag me out in the direction of the park it means no park but past the park to the vets)
So I had a run in the park....dive bombing the pair of them.....

They had roast pork for lunch ( sulk, sulk I cant have they say it gives me urban curry, runny Nellie doodles...which isn't a problem for me..more for them trying to scoop it up- they are just so selfish )all was not lost as the Albino Emo snook me finger fulls of gravy off her emptied plate with out Bumface noticing....

Then later as it was " Still so light" they took me for a two hour walk..which really narked me..if I had known I was getting dragged out twice in one day suffering from sleep deprivation...I would not have galloped so much in the park, trying to bowl Twiggs over.............( well I say bowl over but looking at the size of those thighs I think it may take more than my self at 45mph to knock that off balance)

Hmmmmmmmmfffffpp !

A walk in the woods..including the 100000 mile walk to the woods ...-not happy- then TBG was not a happy one when he had to drag me back home..Twiggs did comment that it was like dragging a tired toddler or a sullen teenager along..I wasn't trying to trip him up..I was trying not to fall over with exhaustion...

So this means the nights are lighter, which means longer evening walks, which means not a happy Nellie .
This means brighter mornings with the sunlight waking me up, which means not a happy Nellie
This means the stupid birds will wake up earlier than ever and start their incessant chirping earlier and wake me up, which means not a happy Nellie.

I shall have to invest in some earplugs and a doggy eyemask....and practice that limp again so I am not dragged out as much.........


Tuesday, 17 March 2009

TBG says NO

I was dragged on The Perry Barr RGT walk on Sunday.....which is always good bum sniffing fun and if it wasn't for the fact that I have ( and The Albino Emo one) have to get up so very early ( 10.30 meet up) and the walky in between bit-it would be great.
Its always great to meet up with my fellow hounds and sniff and eat sausages.
Twiggs always falls in love in with several hounds...... HOWEVER this Sunday I was really narked ( believe me if my snout wasn't quite so long I would have done the Twiggs bum face thing)
There was this puppy, Poppy I think IT was called..a ditty brindle thing ( not nice brindle like me, but a wishy washy brindle yellowy thing).
IT I think was about 18 weeks old, IT had a broken leg from where a daft Alsatian had fallen on folks- including Twiggs were all like, " awwwwwwwww, ooohhh poor Sweet little THING"
Twiggs even deserted me and went to fawn all over it and kept looking at TBG all longingly and doe eyed...he kept mouthing words like ... NO way, Bugger off..never ever"
Twiggs kept saying oh its just soooooooo sweet ( and Im not ? ) Oh its so lovely
( and Im not ?) We have room for IT.
Actaully I dont have room for IT...Theres not enough room for me on the sofa...let alone when Twiggs parks her big fat bottom on it and thinks im getting all lovey dovey snuggling up to her....when will she realise I am actually trying to push her off !!!!!!!!!!
We dont have enough toys for IT and I am nOT sharing mine will some thing that will get puppy drool all over it.
Theres not enough room in the camper van for IT...point proven on the way home when I purposely spread out to maximum capacity in the van just to show them how small the van is.
My bed...just its massive, but its massive just for me.
Food, well as you have read previously theres not enough food for me in this house lately let alone a manky puppy.
As its obviously un raced and will never race due to the dog wrestling doubt it will have lots of energy ( HORRORS) and want lots of walks which no doubt I will have to go on too ( so dont think so)... Plus I know TBG wont want to be walking IT all the time......and two sets of eyes watching them pig out at tea time, two sets of drooling mouths...nope cant see that happening.....
Who wants a rug-rat in the house not me..and certainly not for once we agree on something.
Twiggs nearly had to be taken to casualty on the way home as I thought she was going to actually swallow her lips she had sucked them in so much and there was a BIG silence on the way home...apart from the sighing and occasional tutting that is.
well I'd rather have silence any day than an ankle bitter invading MY SPACE


Ok I know I am on this enforced diet...and you know that i am not very happy about this....Prior to being starved I could occassionally get SWEETIES off these folks who live in my house.
Tbg loves sweets and still mourning the closure of Woolworths & the best pick a mix ever ever ever...I always said he had the mentallity of a child and when it comes to sweeties its a very close call between him and the Albino Emo one.
Some times they will drop sweets whilst shovelling them into their gapping mouths to which I pounce and gobble them up before they can be hit on the back of the head by the falling candy.
Im not so keen on hard boiled sweets as they hurt my tounge.... sour sweeties really hurt my taste buds- have you seen the size of my many taste buds ????

I like jelly babies and jelly belly beans ( although I always seem to get the manky ones like cappucino and cinnemon ..the really yakky ones no one likes ( or me really)..but dont normally realise they have fooled me with vile flavours till I am mid-chomp....... Nasty !

What I dont like is Space candy ( also knwon as Space dust,Fizz-whizz, popping candy etc etc)
I should have realise something was up when TBG actually offered me some candy and he was smiling at me........ so I trotted over to him and loving licked the suggary candy from his palm..... then all of a sudden " WHAM ! " my mouth exploded.....pop, pop,pop ! There was a mini volcano going off in my mouth and I couldnt stop it, like a million little imps sat on my tounge firing cannon balls...I tried to run about the room shaking my muzzle : But it wouldnt stop........ Nor would Tbg stop laughing.....tears were running down his big stupid face...his shoulders were shaking and he sounded like Mutley on speed.............
That was a very mean and nasty trick to play on me, I couldnt believe he would be quite so mean or what had just happened in my mouth.
I had to try the space candy a few more times just to make sure..........
Twiggs has banned him from bringing it in the house now and has threatened to ring the dudes at the RSPCA.
I think jelly babies are the safest bet from now on ( thats the nearest I will ever get to eating a human )

Monday, 16 March 2009

Lettuce & Stuff ( bleeeruuuugh)

Some people have got rather large mouths...and open it when no really cares what drivel is coming out..........especially when they are TALKING ABOUT ME !!!!!!!

Especially when they are calling me portly, rotund, heavy boned....FAT, FAT, FAT !

Yes you know who you are...... do you have no mirrors or scales in your own house...
( NO ???...I wonder why......... Lard arse)..The term Pot- Kettle-Black spring to mind

I am not Fat....I AM RETIRED.........

I am no where near the stage when I am looking at doggy pantie girdles...or little wheeled trolleys in which to transport this huge girth around !!!!

Yes "Mr OOOOHHHHHHHHHHH Thats a Fat greyhound you have there...! " I am more than aware that you have a million lurchers.... ( mongrels) there is a difference : you are a pikey and you poach ( yes I know you call them 'working dogs'- they are not working they are poaching..I used to work...hence earn money..hence I is now RETIRED)
Your poor dogs are out in all weathers, time of day etc chasing rabbits etc, etc..I know all about pikey poaching, lamping, ferreting- netting-etc etc ...Twiggs is part pikey and grew up with this sort of thing....any way your Lurchers are out every day chasing bobtails etc.... no doubt if I was let off the lead and ran round and round further than the confines of the park I would be the Kate moss/skeletor of the greyhound world......... but as I have already mentioned I am R-E-T-I-R-E-D...
I have managed to retain my figure and not gone to pot like Stallone...........
Put me next to twiggs ( Huge bum & thighs) or TBG and I am almost see through I am that skinny in comparison.
Any way thanks to you (" Captain Know it all about greyhounds weight) I am Now on a diet..... I am now also not very happy...they can stick carrots in my food... I wont digest them so they may as well cut out the middle man and save TBG from gagging and just wrap the carrots in a poop bag and throw them away..... My food has been cut back to the bare minimum ( apart from extra stinky veggies...which I will recycle and turn in room odour and share while they are having tea) and what little treats I did have are no more........................ The only thing I have to look forward to is my weekly trip to the beer church to see landlady cheese.....and a dish of cheese which I swear has shrunk in size...that dish did seem mightly small last time......... and trying to trip the Albino Emo up whilst she is carrying food from the kitchen.....
So if I look sad and forlorn..its not a Greyhound thing...Its a me I AM BLOOMING STARVING I will scavenge for food at every oppertunity and will disobey them and go in the kitchen and generally be a morsel monster... Until they give in

Monday, 9 March 2009

New bed...about time

These three clowns who live in my house went to Crufts yesterday.. I wasnt invited which to be honest I am rather quite glad about...I went last year ( as ive said before I wasnt entering Crufts to win a prize as thats just like TOTALLY unfair on all the other dogs who put up with years of training and inbreeding) I was helping raise awareness of Greyhounds..showing folks just how darn lovely we are
( especially me)and that we all need homes and how we can enrich your lives..and that we are really really in need of was great last year..but do you realise just how hard it is to lay down for 8 hours being fawned over , petted and stroked..its hard work..took me 2 weeks to recover last year.

I stayed and looked after the house and off they went.
The albino emo dressed up as Homer The Giant Greyhound to try and raise funds and awareness...I think thats job well suited for a) the suit covers her face so she can pull faces and raise those bloomin eyebrows all she wants and no one can see and tell her off & B) She doesnt have to talk in it...which suits her fine as all she normally does is grunt anyway...and I nearly forgot C) it doesnt matter if her hair has gone manky as no one can see it...... I think she acually enjoyed it, dancing, hugging children,,,chasing after what she calls " Fit" boys...there was a hairy moment I am told involving a giant Great Dane who was scared of her...some one told her to get on the floor( to play with it) which twiggs nearly passed out thinking the worst....but all was well they made friends..and there was no embarrassment or need for mothers to pull small children away in horror...!!!!!
They brought me a pressie.... a latex piggy...which a honk crossed with a oink..its lovelly and I love oinkers...but Twiggs is worried that it actually looks like a pigglet...that rules out any future farm trips then ......
Any way the point is...THEY BROUGHT ME A NEW BED....... Its massive...I need a ladder to get on it...then I sink into it.....and the best bit is it cost more than the albino emos bed.......
It takes up half the dining room.......Twiggs and TBG are blaming one another for buying it and panicking in case I dont like it...dont like it...I LOVE IT....
Now I have mastered thae art of climbing onto it and not panicking when I think I am sinking into it.Its fantasic...and even better I am so high up not only do I need oxygen I can see what yummies may be on the dining room table...RESULT !!!!!

Wednesday, 4 March 2009

Barbara Cartland Hound

Hurrah, Hurrah how humbled am I ?
A mere hound of hound has been given an award for all of my hard work................. I am astounded to say the least a very kind lady Called Stella
has very kindly given me a Kreativ Blogger Award... Please note the award is given to me...ME Nelly that is...not Twiggs who only has to type it all up...hence the spelling errors and poor lay out ( I would type it my self but only having paws and claws ( thats when the vet hasnt chopped them all off that is)is a wee bit of a problem so I have to wait until Twiggs can be bothered to get her lardy backside of facebook and spare me the time...
To which I may lounge on my massive bed dictating to her ( Like barbara Cartland)whatching her struggle to type with one finger and her tounge sticking out......

I am such a happy hound at recieving this award....... Thank you very much - if I could smile I would...believe me I have tried to smile, but it looks like I am merley baring my teeth and I get told off......( or I get threatened with a doggy asbo)....... So Stella inside my heart is smiling....Thank you

Once you receive the Kreativ Blogger award you’re supposed to pass on the good cheer.Here are the instructions:

1. Copy the award to your site.
2. Link to the person from whom you received the award.
3. Nominate 7 other bloggers. (I could only think of five...sorry)
4. Link to those sites on your blog.
5. Leave a message on the blogs you nominate.
I pass along the good cheer to the following blogs:


Sunday, 1 March 2009

Hold The Polish Please

I thought it a bit odd that both Tbg & Twiggs were taking me out for a walk together...considering Twiggs had just gotten in from work and normally is chained to the kitchen producing belly filling stuff the moment she gets through the door....
Even odder they took me in the general direction of the park ( OK maybe I led them that way and they didn't moan or berate me like usual)but hang on a moment..we walked straight past the entrance to the park....Hang on a cotton picking moment..we've just walked past the park........... Bugger.
This only means one thing................

THE VETS.......!

Duped heart sank as I mentally went through er..up to date........I felt really good no Ouchy bits or sore why was I going to the vets ???????????
I hate that smells really funny and all the animals in there are sick and I always worry as I may catch some sort of fatal slow killing/maiming disease from said sick a visit to the vets always without a doubt HURTS !!!!

I did the ole Tail between my legs thing...Tbg cuddled me thinking I was a scardeycat...what I was actually doing was trying to get my tail so far between my legs that it actually covered my mouth and nostrils so I wouldn't have to breathe in all those life threatening germs.( Mental note to self...must do tail stretching exercises................

Oh joy they call my name and I am very gently cajoled into a side room ( gently as in I am sure my claw marks are still embedded into that floor like big doggy tram-tracks).

Ah so it seems these very nice people who lodge with me have booked me in for a manicure..that's fantastic...I do manicures much better than injection or thermometers up my unmentionables !!!!!!!

Or I did do manicures

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm it would seem that i have a few nails that have very long quiks
( the only thing that is quick about me these days)
And it so happened that the first nail to be cut was one of those and it bled.
And bled
And bled
And bled

The veterinary nurse was horrified....TBG tried to put her at ease..- ah-hem what about me..that's my life blood spilling on the floor and I feel ever so faint..
20 minutes I was stuck in that room with bits of wadding and bog roll stuck to my paw trying to stem the flow from where she had tried to amputate my paw.
Eventually to my horror she started to mummify my paw so I could walk home....My heart was thumping in case she made me put one of those big gay silver booties on it....If it came to a choice between wearing one of those home or being taken home by a pack of feral kittens dragging me by my tail..........Pass me the kitten food.

Thankfully no bootie was brought out.
I did have to walk home past all the rush hour traffic queues ..I could see people pointing to me looking sorry for me....So I just looked up at my evil lodgers just so folks would know that they did this to me and looked all doe eyed and sorry for my self.

I will have to learn how to bite my nails

Saturday, 17 January 2009

hurraaaahh For Land Lady CHEESE

Move over Nanny Cheese........I have a new Love in my life.....LAND LADY CHEESE...."
Its nothing personal you know its just that L.L.C ( Land Lady Cheese) is far more giving when it comes to dishing out the sacred yellow stuff..she doesnt fob me off with 2 chunks and thats me lot !!!!!!!

I'm still a bit wary about the Catholic Beer church ...the thought of all those clickety clicking old ladies let loose with a bingo dabber and a glass of sherry...( ooohh... makes me shudder )..... I no longer stall at the door and refuse to go in...then once dragged inside I do not stand with my back to every one casing the door..ready for my escape...
As L.L.C has cured me...its a miracle !!!!!!!!

Some one tell father Lamb

All for the love of cheese

Im not greedy...........................
its just that when I look in the mirror I can actually see my ribs - well if I breathe in a bit- and that cant be right...and it takes a lot of energy to sleep 23 hours a day...its like hibernation but on a slighty smaller time scale...and have you seen how much bears have to pack away prior to the long sleep ?
Exactly : so agreed I am not greedy...I need a lot of calories ( unlike Twiggs..who needs her jaws wiring)
Now when TBG and Twiggs go out...I know where they are going as the Albino Emo isnt with them..which means she's sleeping at her nans and that pair are sneaking off to the Beer Church..I know they are not going shopping as they are not arguing and Twiggs smells nice.......
So they are not going with out little ole me some.......... L.L.C will miss me if they go in without me...and people always say not " Hello TBG/ are you ? " the first thing they say is " WHERES NELLIE ?"
Every one quite rightly so loves me...
And the raidiators are always on over there unlike at home where TBG is way way too tight to put them on.......
Its like being a film star...
I make my entrance...everyone croons over me
My coat is laid on the floor fur side up by the raidator.
People fawn over me beacause I am so adorable..( ok so it sounds like Im blowing my own trumpet here...but im just stating what folk say)
Then The best bit comes..... :

Thank you for curing me L.L.C
I Love You
x x x x x

P.s : I quite like milk and sausages too

Friday, 16 January 2009

Santa came

I think Santy forgave me for opening that one pressie a tad early.....After all I did show remorse)
He brought me a new gift...... They call it " Ducky "... I call him " Martin The Mallard " He honks and is fantastic..... unlike my friend ASBO Hound who killed hers ( yup totally ripped to bits... no amount of sewing could save it and its gone to that big doggy toy place in the sky)..
I havent killed Martin yet.. although I did remove his honk by the end of the was a bit baffling as ducks go Quack ...Matin being male and butch and part Goose Honked...but he honks no more....
I love to chase him and throw him in the air..playing that wonderful game called
" lets see how many of Ole bum faces stuff I can knock off the shelf....)
matin has tuffy fur...supposed to be feathers.......and I love to nibble it and get it every where..twiggs says its a monkey to hoover all the more fun for nibbling it off and grinding into the carpet...the down side is it makes me cough...the first time this happened TBG nearly gave me mouth to mouth till I honked up a wad of fur - very quickly i will admit when I saw him advancing towards me-

They also gave me a mouse..very originally called Mousey..he crinkles and squeeks ..or did squeek..he just crinkles now..hes rather sweet , the only snag is he is rather light and when I throw him he fails to knock stuff off the shelf and has let me down a have to bite him that extra bit hard just to show him who is the boss.
Santa left many items off the original list I left for him...actually he left every thing off....
I did ask for
A whole cow..cooked
My own sausage/cheese/milk factory
cashmere bedding
Never to be made to go out in the rain/dark/snow/wind/twiglight/hotsun..ever again
Next doors cat gift wrapped.
Talking of gift wrapping.. THEY DID NOT WRAP MY PRESSIES...
Twiggs thought it would give me bad ideas about being able to unwrap stuff...ok youve read the previous Blogs........What happened before was an accident..I have explained !!!

Flipping the Bird

Some times , just some times these bozo's who live with me irk me......
It could be any thing like making me go for a walk when I have made it perfectly clear i had no intentions of getting off my bed and really do not like being dragged off it...
Or Twiggs making cheese sarnies and not sharing the cheese with me..instead giving me the ole bum face and barking at me to get out of the kitchen and to stop scavageing..... humfffppphhh !!!!!
Or them laughing at me for falling of the sofa whilst chasing the phantom squirrel in my sleep....
or when my tounge sticks to the carpet or I choke on it
Now down to law of gentics i dont have possable thumbs or fingers...nor can I tell them to go away...... I am a genteel hound and do not growl or snap........
But what I can do is this..........

Step one.......
They laugh at or scold me
Step two.......
I turn my back on them.
Step Three.......
I place my paws out if front of me.
Step Four.......
I lower my head and raise my hind in the air.
Step Five......
I flip my tail high in the air......


However its totally lost on them...they have no idea..they think Im just being stretchly Nellie.......
I know differently.................