Wednesday, 30 April 2008

Chongy Bones

Ohhhhhhhh, I just love chongy bones ( ok to you who dont know what they are, they are strips of hide formed in to bone shapes, knots etc etc - ok its probally pig skin, who cares they are nom nom nom )
I get really excited when twiggs comes back from shopping on her day off laiden with carrier bags and have to promptly shove my snout into each bag as I know she will always buy me one on her day off.!
Some times she is cruel and pretends she hasnt brought me one and starts unloading the bags while I lay on the floor looking all sad and huffing out loud.
Then " Ta-da ! " she will pull one out of no where like a magician- Now i'd rather she was a magician and pulled a rabbit outta a hat for me, but beggars cant be choosers.
I am so over come- sorry just cant help it that i will knock her over in the attempt to Give Paw then promptly run off in the other room to show the front room what i have, then into the dining room , then into the kitchen so all rooms can see my lovelly new gift !!!!!
Then run around and around dancing with doggy happiness.
Now there is a knack to eating chongy bones, you have to lick them excessively to get them soggy so you can get a really good chomp going on, now the best thing ever to get your own back for all the times you have been told to " get outta da kitchen" is to get them really really soggy and whilst you look like you are having a really good nom nom session , you are really grinding the bone into the carpet , leaving a big wet slimy wet patch... which will take forever and a day to remove, that really annoys Twiggs.
Once you have chewed for a while you have to leave it in places where people will trip over it, or step on it in bare feet ( tut, tut, Shannon has to wear slippers, so should they ) to which they will exclaim something I cant understand, but im sure its flemmish for " Oh deary me I should really put slippers on and be more careful " sounds a bit like "ohforfourfootsnakenellie"
You can chew chunks of it off and then pretend you are choking on it, by coughing and retching like crazy that normally makes them panic big style, ( make sure they are in the same room as you otherwise its not quite so dramatic- even better wait until they are eating their tea) and then just as they are about to put their fingers in your mouth you gob it out like a big wet dead albino frog onto their bare feet.........
They come in all shapes, I quite the ring ones as I can run about like mad with it in my mouth like a giant hupla ring, and not worry about smacking on the door jam as I run about - nearly got whiplash last time...dont see the point in the boot shape ones..... thats just teaching bad habits.

Monday, 28 April 2008

Rynys campsite

I love camping ; Its Great, especially at Rynys camp site !
No chavy/pikey trouble makers are allowed, Mrs Rynys keeps a tight ship.
She is more of a womble than me, her camp site is spotless...There are bins every where, normal bins, recycling bins all sorts of bins, inluding the has-beens I go with.
Twiggs, Tbg , Mrs & Mr O ( the folks owned by Ellie-pup normally meet up and have a great time, especially when they sit up drinking and scoffing, playing Spot the Womble- which is a game to see how many times Mrs Rynys will empty the bins in an hour..the way you play it is to run up to the bin and noisly put something in it and then wait for her to come and empty it, as soon as she has done that you repeat several times...until the beer levels are well topped up and the you just daringly rattle the lid, run and hide wait for her to come to empty it, trying not to wet your self when you see the puzzled look on her face at seeing an empty bin..... childish yes, but TBG and Mr O think its really really funny.
Lots of people visit year after year as its so nice there, Jo-Jo doesnt come any more though- mind you Jo-jo was harmless enough, apart from his daily toilet habits, to which his owner would loudly shout " Jo-Jo time for job-job, come on Jo-Jo, job-job!, now by all means its good to train us hounds to have good toilet habits, but announcing it to all and sundry while they are having their morning brew and cornflakes is another thing !!!! - its a bit like TBG shouting across the campsite that twiggs has her " i cant pooh in a public place now Im egg-bound type thing & would she care to take a stick to the toilet with her !!"
Mr & Mrs O have the biggest pitch I have set eyes on, its bigger than our house !
Mind you it needs to be as Mrs O takes about 4 suitcases of stuff just for her ( no I am not jesting here)..Its massive, along with the camper van full ,of stuff too.... and Mr O's stuff ( and we know Mr O sleeps in the rudy-nudy- so its not jimmy jams he's bringing- like how hard is that ? freezing cold outside and him all naked under canvas....oh I forgot they bring fan heaters with them !!!..... wow ! ( Tbg is tight..he says Twiggs has to sleep in a sleeping bag this year as a quilt takes up too much room...the ole bum face had surfaced as she sleeps like a star fish and is very restricted in a sleeping bag and normally wakes up and the sleeping bag is upside down and she has a massive panic attack as she thinks she has gone blind as the hood is over her eyes, quite funny really.
Mr & Mrs O tell me that I am safe here and that The Phantom Squirrel wouldnt dare follow me here as A) He hasnt a welsh passport and B) Mr Rynys has been spotted hanging out of his bedroom window eliminating the local squirrel population with his big farmer type gun !!!!!
It is a working farm so there are lots of sheeps about, sheeps sure are odd, weird eyes, big hair..bit like a 70's pop star... we treat each other with rspect, and also because I have seen the size of their pimps, sorry I mean rams.they are big boys !!
Mr & Mrs Rynys have this 4 wheeler buggy thing they used to empty the bins in the bottom fields, its well cool and their mad collies ride rough shod on the back, me and Ellie pup want a go on the back, but we are scared of the collies ( well I am Ellie pups not scared of anything ), collies are mad, they have way too much bounce for me all they want to do is run and play and round the sheeps up,they exhaust me just watching them, Mrs Rynys had one once called I Bite, bit of an odd name for a dog I thought but thats what it said on its kennel and I wasnt going to argue.
Rhyns is great as its near to every where, you can drive into town or walk or catch the bus, the views from the campsite are fantastic,the facilities are great everyone is friendly and Mr & Mrs Rynys are really warm and welcoming....its the best,!!!!!

Sunday, 27 April 2008


I went to Crufts recently, no I wasnt competing : Thats just unfair on the other dogs !!!!
It was one of my " Working Days" , I was there by invitation from The Retired Greyhound Trust, to show how lovelly, gentle, loving, loyal,lazy we all are and what good pets we make and how we adapt to life with you humans after years of being racing machines.
It was great every one wanted to just stroke us and love us and feed us doggy-woggy treats ( I dont care what name you want to give them as long as they end up in my bellykins ).
I met some hounds I had not met before...the bizzare Willow, who wasnt really Bizzare it was just that Willow would smile on I will admit Ihave been trying this but my top lip is just not strong enough and I end up looking like ive a hare-lip.
Mind you Twiggs has taught me how to Give Paw recently, so I am not stupid, actaully no I am not as I picked it up by the second go, but didnt let onto Twiggs, just let her keep.."training me.with dog treats...ha ha ha !!!!
I have never seen such an odd assortment of people. Now I though that the canine world had some funny looking varieties of the spiecies, but honestly that motley lot at crufts really took the biscuit !!!!!!.
Honest some were out and out FROOTLOOPS and shouldnt have been allowed out ( especially not on their own )
Shannon dressed up as a giant greyhound called Homer and walked around the arena ( after Mrs Tina was in danger of over heating) trying to raise funds for the RGT...but people were soo stingy and shannon even danced too !!!! ( and the giant dog head messed her emo/goth/scene type hair up.that should have been worth at least £100)
One stall holder very kindly donated two bags of his yummy hand made liver brownies and gourmet dog treats for the kennel hounds......very very kind but incidently, I didnt even get a sniff of them let alone a lick.................
Crufts was great, but also very very tiring; its hard work being worshiped all day, it interfered with my nap pattern and I was exhausted for days afterwards !

Dog Toffee

Do you know what Dog Toffee is ? You should, I do.
Mine can vary depending on what cack I have eaten, if I overdose on sardines or Twiggs gives me too much broccoli or veggies, it can be rather unpleasant...( thats when TBG leaves it in the garden to " Form A Skin" in the vain hope Twiggs will do the honours !!!)
Some times if I am feeling rather generous I will leave them a double bagger helping of Nellie Doodle Dog Toffee ( Ie too much to fit in one bag so they have to go back in the house and get another bag.....) Or if I am out walking I will pretent I want to just to wind them up.
Now I think people who dont pick up any Toffee that the dog they are with should drop are BAAAAAAD !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
If caught they should be made to pick it up with bare hands ( and any other toffee with-in a 1 mile radius weither or not it has been manufactured by thier dog or not).
That should soon make it habit forming for them to clear up.
The amount of times a hound has pooped out side our front gate ( Now this normally starts in late Sept when the nights start drawing in and dog walkers think they can get away with it as its dark) any way one of these Bozo's who lives with me normally doesnt spot it and ends up smearing through the down stairs until..its quickly smelt and noticed & made Twiggs vomit and make up new curse wwords while she is cleaning it up.
Even my special place in the park - where I am allowed to run free-is not sacred, its like an explosion in a toffee factory some days.
Do they have lolly sticks for dogs to allow us to scrape the offending cac-cac out of our paws ? - No....How am I supposed to wipe my paws ? What if i was to skid when mid-mad pelt round the field moment-and fall in it ??????? OMG !!!!! I know some hounds like to purposedly roll in sheep do-do, but imagine the horror of having to walk home from the park covered in recycled dog chow ?????

Friday, 25 April 2008

Nellie- cat

Although from my point of view I am a hound, through and through, those clowns that I live with are convince I am some sort of genetic mutant greyhound feline hybrid.
They are convinced that I am part feline for several unfounded reasons :

1) I love sardines & fish ( and TBG doesnt like a bit of battered cod with his chips ?)
2) I like to sit on your lap, ok I dont exactly sit on your lap as such as I am too big for that-apart from Twiggs who due to the size of her thunderous thighs has a huge lap. When I am lying on the sofa I use who ever is sat next to me as a giant Nellie cushion,as its not exactlly a big squishy squashy sofa.
3) I purr- well excuse me, I do not purr its a Nellie snore- and yes I do it with or with out my eyes closed, its due to the length of my neck & muzzle and having such a huge tounge..thank you very much, so it most certainly is not a Purr, yup its a Nellie snore and any one who says other wise will be sued for slander.
4) Snoozing in the sunshine- look I have no fat, I am like a giant reptile I store the heat that I absorb for when tightwad TBG turns the central heating off- that is until Twiggs notices and puts it back on.
5) I arch my back like a kitty when I am having a stretch, well blow me down...I am like 15 foot long you know, if I could get my legs above my head I would strech like tbg...although I would refrain from the acompanying scratching of the man bits !
6) I am very undemanding like a cat, i am not in your face, fuss me fuss me all the time, If I wish to be fussed I will allow you to do so and if I dont I will ignore you and walk away.
Ok I dont bury my Nellie Doodles, my tounge is not all dry and raspy, I dont find balls of string all that enertaining,I dont walk around showing my brown eye off, I dont go mew mew mew, I go WOOFETY WOOF WOOF !
I AM NOT A CAT, every thing is just conincidental !!!!!!!!

Monday, 21 April 2008

TBG Is A Spotter......

It is a well known fact that if Twiggs didnt work on the railway we would have never met.
Ok, well Twiggs works on the Railway, if you didnt know her and asked what she did for a living, she would probally lie as people think she's a spotter, ( past occupations she has pretended to have are bin man, sewer unblocker, enemema giver, boil lancer)........... In fact I know that TBG only married her so he could get a free train pass- although when Twiggs is around he will say that it was her beauty and charm that did it, I know it was free choo-choo travel.
The main reason she doesnt tell people is that they start ringing her at home or texting her like she is National Rail enquires.and she looks a bit odd, with out confirming that is a bit weird selling tickets all day- like when she comes home from work after a busy or hard one, TBG has often remarked , " Well how hard can it be selling train Tickets all day ?" , yes he does get the bum face look in return & a dead leg
Now on a sat night Twiggs & TBG get the DMU ( I know what this means, cos I is clever) to Bridgenorth , which means picnic and beer on the chuffer as theres a bar on the train .. I think this is the only reason Twiggs goes on it as normally TBG gets the bumface when he drags Twiggs on it and Twiggs tends to inform him that he is NOT Fred Dibnah and she doesnt believe all this nonsense he gives about the
mechanics etc etc that it is beacause he is the SPOTTER... and a big kid still..................
Anyway as I have mentioned before it was at Bridgenorth they saw the poster about the Greyhound meet & greet and ended up with my wonderful self.
They take me on the train and its great now services are up and running again, although they have to pay for me ( and I am not allowed on the seats.......grrrrrrrrr !) although I did try once and got told off made to lie on the floor- which actually wasnt too bad.
TBG took me to Worcester on a normal train the other day, which was ok, not as nice though as we didnt have our own compartment, and there were loads of noisy teenagers -who all looked the same-making loads of noise and grannies with their millions of shopping bags which I wasnt allowed to have a sniff in as TBG had me on The Short Lead ( he makes the lead like 2cm long so I cant scour the floor for offerings or make a nuisance of myself).
I saw Twiggs at was really funny, people ask the for oddest things like "AHalfSingleReturn."which Twiggs says means One adult and one child day return to brum please.........................................................Or "Wotplatformfordroitwich" which means "Please could you tell me which platform I need to go to in order to catch the next service to droitwich please"
Strange lanuage.............................
Trains are ok, normally there are people on trains which means either food or fuss & attention, which cant be bad

Sunday, 20 April 2008

I is a HOUND...................

Ok lets get this straight,
I am a dog, a canine, a hound , I go woof woof....
Then why do you call every thing else but ?
I am not........
A womble...... ( yes, I agree the noses are the same and yes I scan the floor for lost items & rubbish - admitingly only food items or things that may look edible)
A sloath.............. They dont sleep as much as me & are far more active
Emu......not the real big bird type, but that rather annoying puppety thing that used to live on Rod Hull's arm...... Ok when I am lay on you on the sofa and you stop stroking me, yes I may look up at you and try and ponk you in the face with my snozzle to get your attention...but I DONT HAVE FEATHERS.
A pig............... Im not pink, I dont smell...( well we all have accidents from time to time) and I dont go oink oink...I go Woff, Woof
A dinosaur: .....Yes I may lie still for long periods of time, but it doesnt mean that I am extinct or expired
A Contrary little madam ......dunno what that means.....but I dont do gardening and my name is not Mary ???????
A Pooh Monster : you put the food in my belly, I just recycle it...if you cant handle it change my diet..................
Dandy Daddy long legs : 10 outa 10 for observations on the ole long legs thing, its not as if you could miss em really, but im certainly no dandy ( have you actually sean where I live...ah-em..) And im not a boy so I cant be a daddy -
Emo Dog : Ok lets get this straight , I am not Emo at all, I cant help having a long face.....( weve had this conversation before) also i am not a hormonal, moody-nobody-loves-me teenagers, anyway every one loves me cos I am lovelly, I may turn my back on you , this is because I am tired and want to sleep and dont want you yacking and disturbing me.

Thursday, 17 April 2008

Why ?

Why oh why please explain to me am I awoken every night from my cosy nest upon the sofa, to go to bed ?????????
Why not leave me where I am, I am asleep and not likely to awken until the next morning when my empty tells me that one of those lazy folks upstairs need to fill my bowl/tummy !!!
Why do they try to make me go out for a walk when its really rather obvious that I would rather not ?
Why is it when I want to go out, i cant ? like when I know they are going out for the night - I know I am not allowed cos Twiggs looks half decent, which means its not the normal trip to the beer church, mind you if they are going out for a meal, TBG will come and fetch me after they have eaten - but do they save me anyting-niope !!) If they are going shopping... I will bark and do the run-round-in circles-thing ( normally TBG gives in and takes me, which means he doesnt have to go into the boring shops with Twiggs..tee-hee)
Why is it every time I have an itch, TBG will shreek FLEAS !!!!!!!! when was she last done ????
Why is it I am only allowed on one sofa - and why do I adhere to this ?
Why am I not allowed chocolate , when Shannon still has a glut left over from easter going begging ?
Why is it next doors cat sits on the fence and torments me and poops in my garden when I am not here / -One day I am going to break into his garden and do the biggest stinkiest nellie-doodle outside his back door, see how his owners like it - see how I said his owners and not the people he owns...cats are stooopid)
Why cant I have steak for tea ?
Why do I have so many questions ?
Its because I am such a clever dog and I am like TBG, just beacuse my eyes are closed it doesnt mean I am alseep, I am pondering questions about life etc.............


I was born to
A) Sleep
B) Eat
c) Be loved
D) Stretch

I love to stretch, I am a contortionist............. I love to stetch, with my back side in air ( usually pointing in TBG's Face with him saying " Nellie, do you mind ?"- no I dont actually thats why I am doing it )
Some times like people do at yoga classes, I a may accidently stretch too much and "foof !" out one will slip, And I wasnt expecting it too !
Which normally results in me looking perplexed as to where the hell did that noise come from, then looking at TBG as to say and where the heck did that smell come from ???????
I love to yawn too, I will yawn any where even when I am not tired ( yes this is possible you Know)...I even yawn when out walking, stutting down the street then yawny-yawn-yawn...... luckily I havent managed to swallow any flies yet ( unlike one unlucky person whizzing about in the forest on her bike -zonk.....big black fly-right to back of the throat.....gag, gag, gag !!)
Some time I will even wake up to yawn and if I am really lucky I will yawn whilst mid stetch...

Tuesday, 15 April 2008


They, as the people I own love L.S.Lowry, now I know why I fit in to this family so well, with my tall lanky legs.
I am a walking Lowry stick dog.
I love to shake my self and make my legs stick out and shake with me, I am amazed I have never lost my balance and fell over.
Being tall is great: It means when I am in the kitchen " Sniffing the breeze" I am snout high to the work surfaces, no i'd never steal anything..( I would only take any thing I thought the phantom squirrel would purlion, like when I was caught with that pizza, they didnt see the phantom squirrel run off, no they only saw me sat there with it in my gob, and persumed I was the guilty one, typical they didnt see the battle I had with the phantom squirrel, I was only rescuing it !!!!!)
Being lanky also has disadvantages too, like how to sit, with out giving yourself a black eye with your knee caps, or how to get really comfy on the sofa with 12 foot of gangly legs to tuck under you - mind you I think I have nearly perfected that now !
Or how to get over or under a style whilst out walking ; with out the embarrasment of a certain Mr O, ( who is not blessed with great height like my self), picking me up and draping around his neck like a scarf and leaping over the style.........I nearly died !!!!
I like Lowry, I like his style, me thinks he was a Greyhound in a former life.

Oooh Vicar !!!!

The shame: the embarrasment............
I cant believe she said it !!!!
And I cant believe she told me & TBG about it, I would have kept very quiet about this one !!!!
Twiggs had gone to the shop opposite where she works to get some milk, now its only a smallish shop and she was stood talking to the local vicar who had his bouncy red setter with him, and being a male dog, he was doing what all male dogs do." Sniff, sniff, sniffing " Twigg's lady bit area.........................................................
Twiggs turned to the vicar and said , " Ok, its ok he can smell my Nellie ! " ( GASP ! )
Then went bright red.
Went red some more
and said.( with out thinking of course)
" No no no Nellies my dog, thats not what I call ha ha "( nervous, wish the ground would swallow me up type laugh)
Luckily the vicar laughed and must have made a note to cross over the road next time he saw Twiggs coming.
Twiggs will no longer catch the train home, but will be coming home on the short bus in the future.

Monday, 14 April 2008

Mild & Crisps

Went to the Beer church last night,
didnt moan,
didnt grumble,
just slept nicely like a good little girlie....................
was rewarded with crisps dipped in the froth of the god juice Mild, a bit like doggy communion...nom nom nom very nice, whisker licking nice.
I think I may convert to this new religion...
Beats tap water any day.

Vets Are Evil

Went to the vets today......there we were me and TBG off for a walk heading in the general direction of the park.....yippeeeeeeeee !!!! - Theres an enclosed area where they let me off without fear of me running off never to be seen again.Its fab I run like a lunatic, zipping about singing " Born Freeeeeeeeeeeeeee !" Giving Twiggs and TBG the twiches as there are trees that I aim for and just manage to avoid. I normally manage about 6 mad darts and a couple of circuits aiming for their legs trying to take one of them out in a hound rugby tackle, before Im either tired or bored and go and stand by the gate at the bottom which means, Ive had enough and need to go home and sleep, not stand at the top of the field shouting me like town criers in the vain hope I will dart back up to you !!!!!!!
Anyway we walked past the entrance to the park which means one thing and one thing only.....THE VETS !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I did my statue impression at the door, rooted to the spot..dont forget ive not long been to the vets and remember the yowling session..............TBG dragged me inside like an irate mother on a childs first day at school, calm and nice and soothing to me, with untertones of "If I have to carry you in - then so be it !!"
My tail was so far under me it was tickling my nose.
Then we had to wait 30 minutes, 30 minutes of sheer hell and bewilderness at not knowing why the heck I was there, I hadnt hurt myself , i'd had my injections a year ago before I left the kennels..............wait a moment a year ago ?
Oh no
Oh no
Oh no
Oh no
Easy peasy lemon squeezy
Nothing to it
If they could have given me a sticker for being a brave girl ( like Shannon the emo teenager gets at the dentist--oopps Sorry Shannon, that slipped out) I would have worn it with pride- as long as it didnt catch on my fur like a giant sticking plaster.
TBG was dead proud of me for a) Not yowling, b) Not biting anyone, c) not peeing on the floor....
Walk home went to sleep, got lots of fuss.think I may become a opposed to a wimp..................get loads more of attention .................
Ah well I can relax until next year...

Sunday, 13 April 2008

Ring Tone

Great TBG has a new ring tone.....its the same one as they play at greyhound race tracks : like a bugle horn....Which normally indicates that I am ready to chase the Rabbit ( underground chicken)
He thinks he is the bees knees with it.................... I will keep my opinion to myself.
The first time I heard it I was lay on the sofa like a giant filleted dog ( ie: no bones just a pile of fur welded to the sofa), well,I nearly jumped out of my skin !!!!!!!
Still gets me every time..... I still dont find having a heart attack everytime someone rings him very funny.
He is like a kid with a new toy, yes a new toy that the minute he leaves it unattended will get the Nellie treatment..Nom nom nom nom...................................

Road kill

Twiggs loves her Rudolph rug and it comes out every year at christmas...for some reason she thinks its really sweet and I AM NOT ALLOWED ON OR NEAR IT...... Now I love teddies..I love to chomp teddies and this would be doggy heaven....but its not its like sitting TBG in front of a giant kebab or Shannon in front of a giant bag of haribo and then telling then NO............thats just mean and spiteful.
So I have to wait until Twiggs is out of sight then pounce on it and dragging it from room to room by its antlers shaking its giant head to and fro: like a weird macabre dog/roadkill ballet....... Its fantastic fun and well worth the yelling i get when I am caught trying to re- arrange its hooter.
The best is when I go to do the flying door way to sofa leap, just before I splat onto the sofa I will use Rudolph as a giant spring Board just for the sheer hell of seeing twigg's face when I have rumpled him all up after she has spent ages arranging him just so.
Its not all bad though i will lie on Ruloph and feel his furryiness under me like a big snuggle rug and used his big fat head as a pillow.until the bumface one catches me.

A Dog Called Dave

Believe it or not these two loons who reside in my house were going to call me Dave..... .like thats so drole.....
I am aware that that for the first 5 years of my life I didnt really respond to any name not even my racing name and that Twiggs was nearly in tears when the lady at the kennels said that they could re- name me what ever as I didnt really know a name : To be perfectly honest I still dont , I just hear Nellie and think " Ooh food ! "
How ever if TBG had gotten his own way and called me Dave, I would have made a point of learning that one and giving him a bite or an accidental nudge to the testicles every time he used it .
Nellie......... I often think my name could be other things that I often hear thrown my way such as :
smellynellie.............not my fault you put the food in bowl ! elliepup,,,,,,

Why Nellie ? why not Tiger or Flash or Queen ?
Well TBG, his mom is Helen.........often like myself is called manythings, but more often is called Nel & her mom was called Nellie........... Not bad really, I am quite proud, it could have been worse...much much worse, yes even worse than Dave.TBG could have called me after what he calls his mother in law.......The Dragon ( Rawwwwwrrrrrr.....!)

Saturday, 12 April 2008

Go back to work

Please lord, dont let my humans have too much holidays from work.........they exhaust me, My whole routine is upset by them selfishly having time off work. They interfere with my sleep patterns ( ie : 24/7).
Generally on a work day: the distubance is minimal, Twiggs comes down the stairs at 6 am , gives me a love, lets me out for a tinkle, feeds me..makes a coffee, lets me back out ( depends how cold it was the first time I went out), then I fall asleep to the sound of her hair dryer.......... then She gets shannon up -by calling her about 5 times the threatening to leave her upstairs on her own with the toilet monster............... Then shannon will come and get ready while twiggs puts the lunches together, nagging Shannon to get a bloomin wriggle on. Twiggs and shannon leave the house...................... reporting to TBG who is still snug in bed about what my bowel habits have been that morning ( Remember I told you they were obsessed, you didnt believe me)......
5 Mins later TBG comes down and gives me some munching........
Then depending on how cold it was earlier or if I have indeed done a Nellie Doodle, or if there is an R in the month and pigs have learnt to fly, i may go out for a walk with him.......Depends how invisible I can make myself on my bed, how much eye contact I can avoid or how sad and pathetic I can look, depends if TBG will yank me outta my bed and drag me out for a brisk walk.
The trick is to stall him as much as poss then he has only time to take me to the shop and back.
Then he is off to work.and its time to refine the 101 sleeping poses..." Ah Bliss ! "
Then One of them will have to ruin my day by not going to work.......... grumble grumble
So imagine all the steps listed above but with a big walk...and no chance of slipping into a coma.
If Twiggs is off then she is to and fro-ing with the vacuum ( you know that thing with the sucky pipe that tries to eat your nose and makes your eyes water if you dare to sniff at it.), polish, sorting drawers , cuboards out, messing about in the garden , clattering about in the kitchen, trapsing, banging, scraping.AAAAGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH ! I am trying to reach Zen !
Then getting dragged out again in the afternoon ( nope I will have yet another walk later, much to my disgust) to meet Shannon from school, even though she is old enough to walk her self home, Twiggs thinks I should have a walk at this time of day & suprise suprise, were off walking to meet the silent one........and all her scarey friends, the only bonus point is kids being kids they all eat sweets & crisps on the way home and leave offerings to the homework gods.which as he quite plainly doesnt exsist- from what I see Shannon do- I will have to snaffle...( but quickly before the lead is yanked upwards quicker than Pierpoint could have ever done it)
Then its home and more noise while tea is done and ironing is done.she is such a selfish woman.I shall have to send her to TBG school of having a day off..........
Which is roll downstairs a couple of hours after everyone has gone: Watch Only Fools and Horses, or fishing t.v or someone other cack as Twiggs says.... get dressed.....take Me for a wee walk to shop to get paper and sweets....come home and watch sweets...look in fridge for inspiration......think about things he could do, but isnt going to, think of excuses to give to Twiggs when she gets home....
Its FANTASTIC, just like he's not here : Just like a work day.....but with belly rubs....In fact I think Twiggs should go to night school to better herself, so she can get a better paid job, so TBG can stay at home with me and be my chief belly rubber...................... You know I think he may have been a Greyhound in a previous life.......Think Twiggs would agree


I hope you are all enjoying my Blog.....remember if you think my life is funny, please pass it on......

Friday, 11 April 2008

Rain in spain

Grumpy me, oh yes how dare I be grumpy, yes wee ole lovable mesome.
Imagine the scene.... I have built a nest with in the double duvet which is my bed.....
I am so far asleep I am in the land of twitchy paws.
Then I hear " nellie, nellie " pat pat, which normally means some poor sucker is sat on my sofa and wants me to come and sit on them and squish them whilst wriggling like a toddler on blue smarties. getting belly rubs and hugs galore, so up I rouse of my Nellie nest and race into the front room.
Sod it............. Twiggs is calling me and is stood patting the sofa while TBG is waiting by the door with my collar. Ok fair cop, youve got me lets go " For a walk " which means a trip to the beer church.
Ok its raining, no one like the rain, not Twiggs with the dyed red hair, not TBG which could mean : the Balby Guy not the Big Guy ha ha ha.
I am going to go as slow as possible and sniff eveything I can, i dont want to be here, but hey you dont want to get wet either.
Any hoo the beer church is busy and no offerings have been made to the beer gods so thats annoyed me, Twiggs is still going to Keep Fat Club so noporky puffs.....I am fed up...
I will stand up and smile and do that I am really hot panting thing just to worry them, then the I need a wee-wee take me out into the rain so I can get you wet and sniff the grass for 20mins thing.
TBG is fed up as he says the beer gods will be really annoyed as it would seem that some one has taken a tinkle in his beer- or I think thats what he said............ I get a fuss off some people but like a teenager I pretend like I am all EMO and sad and dont really want to know.WANT TO GO HOME.
Twiggs tell TBG to stop grippng about the bloody beer and to go home ( hurraaaah ) and to worship from home next time.
Hurrah I bounce all the way home, They think its because I dont want to get wet, me thinks it cos I wanna go to bed.
Twiggs flounces trying not to trip over her bottom lip which has uncurled from its normal bumface possition.
Home sweet home.get in get towel dried ( I am a princess dont forget) Go to bed.yawny-yawn-yawn................ Twiggs has gone up to bed and TBG has put Only fools and Horses on - again)
Nite nite all.......................

Gift Wrap

Before you decide if I am guilty of the crime I am accused of please read the version of events leading up to that fateful day: Then you may judge if I am gulty of this crime or if indeed I was driven to it...................
Twiggs always buys people's gifts: She will spend weeks thinking of what to buy and then hunting for that gift, it may not always cost a lot but will hopefully be something for that person that they will like, then she will wrap it very carefully using nice bows etc and will also if she has the time hand make that person a nice card.
TBG , well all he has to if deliver the gift if it needs to be taken further that Twiggs can walk ( remember too lazy to learn to drive).......... well,
Twiggs had just done this and was awiting TBG to take the gift.........................when he got the tiime of course ( about 10 weeks)

This gift was not massive but big enough to catch my eye and being both a hound and a female, I am nosey .
It kept moving around the dining room, it would be on the table one day, by the computer the next day or on the ottoman fingymajiggy, where ever it wasnt in their way......
10 weeks it was moving about the room .
10 weeks they'd go off to work to earn my bone money and leave me alone with the parcel.
10 weeks ,every day the parcel would whisper to me. " Nellie, do you know whats inside all this glitzy wrapping...oh Nellie unwrap me, set me free Nellie.theres something yummy in here for you Nellie !!!!! "
IT WAS DRIVING ME SO when you get an itch on the roof of your mouth or restless legs.
To my credit I did hold out for 10 weeks until I couldnt bear the agony of not knowing what was under that wrapping paper ............Then one day I was walking past the parcel when I must have accidently bumped into it causing it to fall on the floor, and not having any hands I couldnt pick it up............. I did ignore it then I noticed a corner of the paper had come unstuck, now Bluepeter was before my time so I didnt know how to use glue or sticky backed plastic so I licked it trying to stick it back down when I must have caught the sticky out bit in my teeth....and it ripped more................................................. OH NOOOOOOOOOOOOO !!!
Well this where everything spiralled out of control.
It just fell apart, there was nothing I could do, it just self destructed..." Boom ! " paper every where...OOOPPS !- I was lucky not to loose an eye or something !!!!!!
I tried to put it back on the ottoman fingymajiggy by picking it up in my teeth, which sadly resulted in the box looking like it had been gnawed.
I couldnt put it back so I just left it , I was feeling tired anyway.
Key in door..........................................................
Mad wag
Mad wag

" Bad Dog "

Run and hide on bed, of course I tried to hide, not because I was guilty of any thing, but I was being yelled at. It wasnt my fault that the stoopid parcel has blown up making a pretty confetti paper pattern all over the room and i've explained the teeth marks.
So am I guilty ? No ?
What crime am I guilty of ?
Am I bomb disposal ? No..........
TBG is guilty , he should have gotten the parcel to the person whose birthday it was on time and not leave hanging about to haunt me and get me into trouble.
I am innocent.

Wednesday, 9 April 2008

Dying Fly

Well what would you know, there I was fast a sleep doing the usual mid-afternoon dozing upside down on the sofa; legs all akimbo,when I was roused from my sleep my the most wonderful feeling I have ever felt in my life, like the warmest, squidgetty, squishestty feeling ever, a million dropletts of sunkissed rain drops pit-pattering on my tummy: butterflies kissing my hairy navel, What a beautiful dream this was..................... hold on a moment..!!!, OH MY GOD...............ohno Ohnoooo someone is rubbing my belly, no one has ever done that before, its wrong wrong wrong, but yet so good good good.........
Twiggs is sat beside me so I am sprawled on her and she is gently rubbing my belly while watching t.v.... shes not even looking at what she is doing, does she know what she is doing ?
I cant look at her, cant give her eye contact, I adopt the im sorry ive been a bad dog look on my face, i cant look yet i want to look to beg her not to stop..............aaahhhhhhhhhh

Its like licking the wall beside my bed I know I really shouldnt do but its addictive and compulsive......

These days i LOVE IT LOVE IT...... and will try and a fix when ever I can off who ever I can...Im like a loveable drunk, you tolerate me in the hope I will go away once ive gotten what I want......I will lie across the dining room so people have to step over me to get by and as they go to step over i will cunningly roll onto my back and do the dying fly that they find so adorable and then have to rub my belly, as they feel sorry for me being so pathetic, i dont care , I dont care that theres someone at the door, or you have your tea balancing on a tray, I am a hound, I have no pride..apart from when Twiggs has been outside and tries to put her cold hands on me when i am asleep, apart from giving me heart faliure I could get chilblains.

Tuesday, 8 April 2008

Gallop On The Hills

TBG has found out that Hall Green RGT do a walk at wasley hills on certain sundays ...... jumping jollies it means I have to get up earlier now...sunday is my longest day of rest...ok I know every day is a day of rest for me- I am retired you know.....
Anyhooooooo as soon as we park in the car park i can smell Hound i can hear hound and my Ears are so far up they are touching the clouds...... I am like a coiled spring...........
OMG there are trillions of hounds....I brace my self for the on slaught of bum sniffing , but would you know it, its kinda not too bad when its done my your own kind , i even have a go my self, not sure what I am sniffing for exactly or what I should do when I find what I am sniffing for...but I want to build up my street cred amongst these hounds you know..........
There are sooooooooo many different types, so many different variations of the same breed and shapes and sizes some of the boys are giants...some seem tiny .Some are shy, some not so shy..some talk too much( thats what the owners say.all I hear is whine whine whine................some seem nice, some are fruit loops.Then there are the dogs themselves who like me are all lovelly and very well behaved.
We Greyhounds generally tend to love another and welcome each other :
Wasley walk is great - apart from getting up early.we all walk around the hill together ( about 20-40 of us ) all at different sniffing speed... most humans seem to spend the whole time picking up poop or calling to each other for poop bags or wiping poop off their shoe in that really funny way they do ; its almost like a dance, first they slip in it then they look at their shoe then they look like they are going to vomit then they do that 10 minute wipe wipe check check wipe on da grass dance...( Oh yes the poop is from an irresponsible non greyhound owner who has walked their dog beforehand and not poopascooped) .....
Occasionally a dog will break free and run past us all like something out of chariots of fire whilst we all chant Run Forest Run..Then the humans ruin it all running after the mad dog forming a human chain to try and re leash the offending hound....while the hound runs round them in big circles.
Afterwards the humans all have a cup of tea and we of course have rest while they all natter,,,,then yum yum we get to have sausages.... which some kind soul has thoughfuly prepared......nom nom nom nom.........Twiggs got very excited the first time but was soon put in her place and told to release the sausages they were for the hounds ...greedy pig........... I ate her share.....

The Vets

Ouch ouch...............................I was bleeding and it stung and it hurrrrrrt !
Twiggs & TBG were not here only Shannon who was very shocked & upset at me whinning and dripping blood everywhere. She very kindly gave me a big big love and did a brilliant nursy -nursejob holding some kitchen roll against the wound which was pouring with blood; hardly suprising as I had just ripped my leg off...............
Twiggs came in and comforted a tearful Shannon.(Cough cough, ah-em......dying dog here woman..never mind the hormonal teenager-call me an ambulance)
Panic stations: lead on, coat on , a micropore sticky patch thing placed kindly over gaping hole in awful : Ive havent had my dinner: i never go out before my dinner, you always give me dinner when you get home: its wednesday, I have sardines with my dinner on a wednesday.........
So off we go walking to the vets : Twiggs is too thick to learn to drive.
Walking along the busiest road at the busiest time of being dragged cos Ive not had my dinner and I want to home and eat, shannons doing the normal teenager walking whilst looking at her feet : twiggs face matches her red hair.... We meet TBG at the vets who laughs and says it looks like a panty liner on my leg and gives me a big cuddle.

Nice vet lady who Twiggs says looks about 10 years old is very kind....and I am such a brave little soldier, removes the offending claw and gives me a Whopping Great big Bandage so big it looks like I have had a leg Transplated with a hockey stick, and doubles my weight, all is well until I have my second injection which was like being injected with wasps and I yowled for a full 2 minutes non stop, not realising that Twiggs had the door open and all other animals in the waiting room heard me cry....... ( i had a mean imgonnabiteyer, look on my face when I left the room in case any of them wanted to laugh at me)
Twiggs nearly fainted again when she paid the bill - hey im worth it).

I cant get my paw wet, la la la la la la la la
I dont have to go for walks, la la la la la la ala
I can just rest all day la la la la la la la
I have to take tablets - wrapped in cheese if you la la la la la la
Every one loves me and feels sorry for me la la la la la la la la la

Oh Poop.......TBG has brought me a doggy boot....... oh lordy its silver and looks like a big gay doc martin.oh no now I have to go for walks....... Oh the Shame...............................


It is my job as hound and boss of this house to greet people as they enter my domain - mainly to snuffle at their pockets for anything edible or in case the phantom squirrel may try and sneak in behind them.......
Our sofa is by the front door -where else would it be the room is soooooo small !- which means I can stand on in to look out of the window, knocking everything off the window sill accidently-on -purpose......just to annoy the Twiggs ( oh and get to mess all the throws Ocd woman has neatly arranged there): and when the front door is opened I am nearly at eyeball level with who ever is stood on the step, which is so funny when its someone new at the door who doesnt know me : they think I am a really really tall giant dog...( rawr !)
I like to stand with my legs on the arm of the sofa so when Twiggs or TBG comes in I am at licky level so I can try and kiss them, before they can smell what ive had for tea.
I also like to launch myself at the sofa, the trick is to start running at the end of the kitchen to get enough speed up at try to get from the dining room on to the sofa without touching the living room carpet, I love the noise I make as I splat on the sofa........ I like the noise TGB makes when I do it sounds like "Ohforfourfootsnake Nellie"
I like the feeling of movement as I land and the sofa skids towards the snowboarding- freestyle, luckilly they have had the foresight to have double glazing...........
At about 17.10 I know Twiggs is due home as I know how long Shannon has been home by order of events:
How long it takes for her to let me out for a tinkle, to check whats in the fridge & sigh, get homework out of bag & sigh,.put homework back into bag & sigh ....Turn on P.C .
Pretty not really its because Twiggs rings Shannon on her way home from the station to get a Nellie update before she gets she can prepare herself.
So this is my cue to leap on the sofa spy out of the window and jump on Twiggs when she opens the door and let her know just how empty my belly is and that im really hungry and if im not fed in 2 mins flat I will pass out.failing that I will vomit bile from my empty tummy on her carpet:
Some numpty had polished the sofa: although they ( we wont mention any names but how can someone who never ever polishes buy sofa wipes and use them ???) denied polishing the arm rests as apparently my head was there at the time and they didnt want to disturb me............hhmmmmmmmm !
My foot slipped and carried on downwards and my dew claw went the other way...ouch ouch ouch.........................................................................

Monday, 7 April 2008

Bingo Wings

Ok across the road from where I live is a catholic church, yup a proper church, but with the added bonus attatched: It has a human Beer church right beside it. so when TBG drags me out for a swifty walk he has a swifty pint of beer too....( great use me as a cover for his beer cravings) its lovelly and quiet in there and the Altar/bar lady is really lovelly and sometimes gives me cheese which i like very much. Everyone is nice and they all love me and I love them to.

I don't like bingo night in there.

Its full of old people

They scare me

Bingo dabbers dab dab dabbing

everyone shush shushing you if you dare to move

The silly bingo quips.. two fat ladies, quack quack, doctors orders..hows about woof woof Im trying to sleep here so you shush shush yourselves...............
Then one of then will shout " House,ere are" and make nearly have a heart attack

The P/a system scares me its too loud.surely they are not all that deaf ,cant they use an ear trumpet or summat

TBG makes me go in the back room with him i dont like it in there its spooky and I know that the phantom squirell lives in there somewhere, thats why i always look well alert with my ears up like a giant space hopper and try and escape when ever I can or I make my self really really small so no one can see me....eventually TBG will have to take me home just so he can get some peace and quiet.and I have to walk out past all the dab dab dabbers, who are all concentrating cos its a full house for a £10.00 jackpot and I am so tempted to let out a giant WOOFETY WOOF WOOF just to scare them all and make them jump see how they like it !!!!

I love Ellie-Pup

Meet my mate Ellie -pup, I wanted to show you a piccy in case earlier when i told you about her ears you thought maybe I had eggagerated a tad........... I kid you not its a canineparaglidingdog, The folks she owns have to tether her down when we have strong winds.
They are great she's like a cross between a propersized dog and a stumpy swampy thing.which reminds me of the bloke she owns.......................................................
She is my best friend even if she is from 'opnorth

Dog In A Coma: do not Disturb

Ok its a myth that us Greyhounds are lazy......If im lazy that makes TBG a flatliner at times......... im just relaxed and chilled out ok....... My legs are long and lanky and ache if I stand up all day and as there is no market for support tights for dogs then its my right to rest my legs.
Did you know I have the ability to make myself invisible to the human eye........... if I lie flat enough on my bed and dont get eye contact with you, then it means im not here and you cant find me and therefore you cannot make me go for a walk........................................... no matter what is being used to bribe me, and putting choccie drops from my bed ( where by the way i am not cos I am invisble and not on my bed- so thats pointless) to where youve put the lead is just childish and not funny....
If I bolt and hide when you say walkies :what does this tell you ?
If i mad wag and bark when you say walkies what does that tell you ? Use your noggin...........................
If I am all snuggly and can only be roused from the sofa using a defribulator.what does that tell you....................... I dont want walkies, I want sleepies.
If when at the weekend once I am fully rested and you go anywhere near where you keep the : house keys, lead, collar coat, boots and i start acting like a complete fruit loop doing back flips barking etc, then take it from me, this means I would very much like to go out for a short meander with you, if i dont give you this signal then please dont make me, my cloak of invisibility will wear out soon

Murtle the Turtle Is dead

Opppps looks like yet another one of my lovelly toys has been Nellied : I so loved Murtle. She is now on the side in the kitchen where I cant reach her awaiting someone to get the sewing kit out and apply emergency surgery.

My top toys :

Murtle: while she was alive and had her full quota of stuffing........
Erwin : a plastic squidgy crocodile who loves to get me in a croc roll upon the living room floor.. hes strong and still alive..........
Raffy: the giraffe......R.i.p lost too much stuffing at the battle of the dining room, wimp, not enough flesh left for the stitches.......... gone to join the Wheelie Bin Brigade.
H.D : the hot dog, fluffy yet hard and squeeked, I think he's a deserter as ive not seen him for ages and ages either that or Twiggs has hidden it to bring out at a later date in the vain hope that im stupid enough to think she has brought me a new toy.

I like squeeky toys the louder the better, so when TBG is watching piffle on the t.v ( you know only fools and horses/again ....... sigh) I can run in the room - normally after Twiggs has wound me up like a clockwork mouse in the other room- and pounce and squeek and when I tire of pouncing I will sit opposite him and Nom nom nom nom.......till it can squeek no more or TBG starts to bleed from his ears.
I also love cuddly teddies, they feel all nice and comfy in my mouth, I love chomping them: i dont mean to its a compulsive sorta thing you know, I just cant help myself and the more I tell myself no the more I have to...... Ihavent met a Nellie proof one yet..............
I dont do balls, cant see the point as it normally means some idiot wants you to fetch, then bring back then fetch then bring back.ah-hem, excuse me , that means making an effort.I so dont think so , think I will leave that sort of stupid behavour to the Collie and Labrador Brigade..

I know which cuddly toy I really want and covet........... its not mine yet, but it will be.......

Bone Money

See how cute I am , mind you anyone would look cute next to TBG................
Do you know that they: they being the people who I own make me work for a living, well its more for bone money than anything else.
TBG & Twiggs, -more so TBG as Twiggs has to work most saturdays -takes me along to the Hall Green Branch of the Retired Greyhound Trust.... RGT........... " Meet & greets" This is where for those of you who dont know , the RGT will have a stand or stall out side a pet shop, or a shopping centre or an event etc.
Where the kind volunteers will bring their hounds and the public can see the doggies and see how nice they are ( like me) and hopefully raise awareness of their plight and hopefully some will get re- homed as a result. Which how I eneded up with my lot.
Its hard workfor a hound , I have people stroking me and loving me and giving me lots of fuss and tit bits all day long , very tiring. I have to sleep for days after to recover.
TBG enjoys it as I think he like meeting people and likes yakking more than eating, that man could yak for england.
So if you see me when you out shopping come and say hello to me, im not really dead laying on the floor, im just pretending im in a coma so TBG will shut up for 5 mins....

The Other rabbit

Cant say too much , but if you remember when I first came to the house there was a big fat lardy rabbit called George who used to rule the roost here, until he went to live his days out up stairs, in the safe dog free space in TBG and Twigg's room.
There is another rabbit that lives upstairs in a certain persons room..... ( you know who are)
I have met said rabbit twice, once when he was very kindly left on the dining room table for me to play with, then the next time when he was left the other side of the stair gate.That took some doing, yanking him out and bouncing all over him until i was caught....... Although I will still say he started it........
He is flea bitten and manky and looks like Roadkill and you are too old to have a fav teddy and I think its only fair he is handed over to me, to love and hug and cherish ( and well if he gets ripped I will blame it on horseplay).............. I know his name, I know where he lives and its only a matter of time before he is mine all mine........................................

Nutter Magnet

I am adorable ; again please note I am not blowing my own trumpet, but am merely relaying what people say about me. I am rather quite modest really.

I am a nutter magnet or this is what TBG says about me.

If we go to town or are out and about people constantly stop the people who I have instructed to take me out and comment on how lovelly, gentle, friendly, sweet natured and pretty I am.

Now when this normally happens is when twiggs has gone into a shop for a mooch about and left me and TBG standing out side looking like loons or billy no mates.

TBG is great and I know how lucky I am to have chosen them and a lot of hounds are not so lucky and still in need of homes, he is great for talking to anyone and telling them how Fantastic we Greyhounds are and they should all have one: BUT THERE ARE SOME FOLKS HE SHOULD NOT TALK TO.......least of all not let them fawn all over know who you are;
When we get accosted by the nutter brigade, Twiggs can normally sense this and looks through the shop window like a rabbit caught in head lights and her and shannon try and leave the shop unnoticed by TBG or my self and will to skuttle off down the street.......... sniggering to themselves............ Then stand at the bottom of the street and have the cheek to phone TBG and laugh down the phone chanting " Nutter, Nutter !!" but I suppose for every 20 nutters there are at least 1 who is genuinely its worth it... and we are a lovelly breed

Why The Long Face ?

Just because I am a hound , this does not mean that I have no sense of humour, its just that I find different things funny to you.
Things I find funny :
A ) The lawn well the lawn that they did have ( no I didnt ruin it, blame that on next doors cat) before they put bark chippings down - now I have to be careful when I squat, not too low !-it was one big puddle o mud or turned into one big mud pie and I loved running about on it digging my claws in raking all the mud in them then running full pelt into the house and skidding to a halt in the dining, huge great big muddy skid marks, that was funny, even funnier though watching Twiggs mutter to her self whilst cleaning it up.
B) Having sardines for tea and giving TBG a huge great big kissy kiss-kiss when he comes in from work and watching the look of horror on his face.
C) Having my weekly lady wash lay on the sofa opposite TBG when hes eating his tea in the front room.
D) Occasionally Barking like a banshee ( now Ellie pup has taught me to bark) at 3 am , petending that the phantom squirrel or The Toilet Monster ( yup, the same one Shannon hates) has come to get me and waiting for TBG to come lumbering down the stairs in those supid p'j's and then prentending that i was asleep and dont know what all the fuss was about.
E) When its cold and wet and nasty out side and TBG takes me to the garden before bed and he's shivering in his stoopid p.j's and I decide to take 20 mins to decide where to pee.
Things I Dont find Funny.
1) When TBG says over and over " Why The Long Face Nellie ?" chortle chortle........ i will tell you why: its genetics, its my breed, my mommy & daddy looked like this and I would look silly with a body like this and a face like a Pug !!!!!! Say it again and I will have to go all Wolfy like the guy from Little Red Riding Hood............. and bite you !!!!!!!!!!!!!!
2) You know when I am asleep and my paws start twitching like I am running: have you ever thought that in my little doggy dream land I am chasing the Phantom squirrel and winning and can just taste his bushy little tail inbetween my teeth when I am awoken by you guys giggling like little school girls.and the squirrel lives to torment another day !!!!!
3) Bodily functions, mine smell great, lovelly in fact thats why I chose to share them with you, yours however smell of human and are quite offensive and I would rather you didnt share them with me at least not point the finger at me for something you have done; Thats well out of order.
4) When people laugh at my doggy coat, I am a lean sinewy machine , unlike Twiggs I have no excess body fat to keep me warm, so i wear a coat...and if I could I would also wear a hat, scarf and mittens to fend off the cold, but Twiggs doesnt like the thought of wet wool . I love my coat it is all snuggily, although I draw the line at that, im not one for dressing doggys up, thats just wrong, although I fully think that there should be a law that humans should reamin clothed at all times after that time Twiggs came down in her undies and bent over to put the washing in the machine, she could have warned me, i very nearly went blind, disturbed my sleep for weeks.
5 ) The dog next door ASBO jack the jack russell that hates all animals.who lies in wait until I have done the run around the garden searching for maybe a spot Ive not yet ever ever peed on , waits until I am mid flow then barks like buggery, gets me every time.......... lucky I dont wee on my paws or get tangled on the washing line............ Jack scares me.

Kitchen : My mecca

I love the much so for about 3 weeks when i first came to reside here I thought my name was " Get Outta da kitchen !"
My kitchen is really long and narrow and I have learnt how to reverse now rather than try to turn around...reversing is better....much better I can do it at speed now.
Doggy rules are that anything dropped on the kitchen floor can rouse me from a coma and have me hurtling through to retrieve in the blink on if any thing is dropped..then its mine,, apart from cucumber- what is all that about then ???? Tea bags,especialy if hot....soon learnt my lesson on that one, not nice............. mushrooms are okish, cheese is better.
everything in kitchen sounds like something is being dropped into my bowl......... ok I said sounds like, Im not living the complete dream here.....
I have learnt not to lay in front of the cooker whilst Twiggs is cooking as this can scald, no not the fear of having hot fat or hot stuff fall on me, but the withering look ole bum face gives me......thats scarey !!!!!!
I dont steal from the kitchen- ok I admit there was that incident with the pizza, but I was new and there was cheese involved, also I cant open the fridge.
I like to lay at the entrance to the kitchen and practise my sad dog face, making my eyes go all big and giving the occasional sigh.when this doesnt work I get the telepathy radar going full pelt.... which hasnt worked yet, but will do one day....
Also doggy rules say that when the folks I own have finished their meals i can rightly assume that they will scrape yummy nom nom bits they have saved for me into my bowl, so then it is my doggy given right to stand longingly by my bowl.sods law also states thats the only bits I do get are veggies which Twiggs tried to feed to TBG- well he's not going to eat them why does he asume I will........ Ah well beggers cant be choosers, even if veggies arnt very nom nom, they fill a void in my tummy.
Shopping days, i love it when they go shopping and all the bags are dumped in the kitchen for twiggs to sort out and put away while TBG sits and recovers whilst watching re-runs of re-runs of Only fools and Horses ( again) : its my job to stick my snout in each bag, just to check they havent forgotten anything ( cheese), or that the phantom squirrel hasnt snuck in the bag and is scoffing everything !!!!!
Now every bag has a name..Fridgy stuff, freezery stuff, tinney stuff, cuboardy stuff: woah betide TBG if when packing Fridgy stuff should end up in the cuboardy stuff bag..... No wonder he needs to sit down.dunno why she does that as she still unpacks everything and puts it all on the side before putting it away.and they think i'm barmy at times ?????
My food bowls are in the kitchen, they are kept high as I have a long neck and its easy to eat/drink when stuffs not on the floor ( ha ha ha makes me laugh, humans so gulible)
The best thing I love is taking stuff out of my food bowl and putting it on the floor to eat, it makes a mess, but not as much mess as when I decide I want to eat in the dining room and carry it through........................Or when i wipe my snout on the carpet.... tickles my nose

Runny Bum : The Vets

I slept really really well, although I will admit their legs did get in the way a bit and I didnt take too kindly to the quilt being yanked off me............( They have body fat to keep warm )
I have a problem and its not just the rain which hasnt stopped : Its July we are not supposed to be in monsoon season. I have a bad belly, not just windy pops.but the really bad kind of belly, which I think you guys get after a night in your "Church" followed by a really hot curry.... Twiggs is really worried as several times in the night I had to be taken outside ( in the rain) and dragged across a wet cold camp site to do my doggy thing.......... upon which Twiggs went a funny shade of green and tried her best to clean up in the dark in the rain holding a torch in her mouth holding onto me in case the phantom squirrel should turn up and fancy a game of chase... I thought it was quite funny, but no Mrs Twiggs seems to have lost her sense of humor ...and nearly her stomach contents too.
We went to the beach later that day- when the rain held off, which was great.loads of seaguls of whom I would have quite happily chased to death if I had been allowed off the these people not know, I will only run about 500m ( admitingly really really fast) then plonk down in a big exhausted heap... all they have to do is eventually catch up with me ... they dont even have to run, Fair enough I may not come back if called but I will wait and rest while they run like loons shouting my name: Trust...lack of it !!!!!
Anyway there were a few families on the beach.......... very nice when oh deary me... I had the urge to make a sandcastle of my own in the form of big sloppy runny Nellie Doodle.TBG and shannon quickly made a sharp exit with me and left Twiggs to scoop it up.......She caught up with us eventually muttering about it not being funny and abandonment................ I am booked in at the VETS !!!!!!
Nice vet man - warm hands -says I colitius.....I have tablets which they think they have to hide in cheese_ I'd eat the tablets anyway, but as I am quite partial to cheese I am not going to let on.
Twiggs is cooking boiled chicken and rice in the camper van for me.......... nom nom nom dry dog food any day..........
Am feeling better
Have made a friend called Ellie, i say friend we are both not big doggy lovers, we dont fight and saunter along ok together which suits me fine , even if Ellie-pup is a bit odd looking...... She has the biggest sticky out ears I have ever seen outside of a sci fi film. Im too scared to mutter anything bad about her in case her radar should pick it up....... She has stumpy legs and a belly that sometimes hits the floor, buts she's rather cool and I quite like her considering I only normally like other greyhounds........... And hurrah she doesnt do the bum sniffing thing which is great... not like the labrador pup I once encountered who rather rudely jumped me when I wasnt expecting it and goosed me by sticking his big fat cold nose in that place vets are only allowed....
Hence now when I am out walking I keep looking around to see who may be behind me... The people I own think its very funny: very drool I think, how would they like it...The next time They laugh at me I shall nellie doodle in the kitchen and see how funny they find that !!!!!
Are these people I own mad ? all they do is geography is really not my strong point, but ...are there no flat parts in wales ?????? _ I think there is but nope not where we are...all they do is walk...we walk up hill and up hill and then uphill some more....never seem to go down hill only uphill....Will be glad to get home and have a rest......... Shannon agrees with me, but not so much that she will let me have a sneaky slurp of her ice cream : teenagers so selfish !!

Camping In Wales: Day 1

We are Going camping in Wales.. Hurrahhhhhh. my first holiday I can hardly keep my eyes open with excitement.......... Twiggs is grumbling on about the blooming rain........ TBG is worried he has forgotten something Shannon has this thing they call a mobile phone which is odd as it seems attatched to her hand, I think this must be way of communicating...a bit like morse code as I can here is Tapp- tappety tap-tap.its keeping me awake , I must wrestle her to the ground at some point when I can be bothered and eat the darn thing !!!!!!
We are here at the camp site : its still raining, Twiggs still has her Bum face on.........
Why cant humans work together nicely its taken 2 hours to get the tent and all set up, with TBG shouting things like " For god sake Twiggs watch what you are doing, what the hell are you doing, pay attention, no not like that etc.........!" how am I supposed to sleep with them carrying on like children. Godness me if Twiggs purses her lips any more she will swallow her face !!!!!!!!!
Ok Tents up everything is in place..... Odd they are sleeping in pods, hey why is my bed in the foyer / And not in with those two.......... try sad face, nope no one is looking, try sad face again...try telepathy............." Let me on your bed......." try harder ............ Oh for godness sake, just jump on the pair of them and claim my space....its warmer lay on their legs.
RESULT: I am lay like a giant queen starfish right in the middle of Twiggs and TBG, I have quilt.......... ooopppppps I also have wind, I will not apologise, no matter how much they gag and heave, I cant help it..................... Ah this is the life................

Does he sleep downstairs too ?

Ok, my first day has gone ok so far, I still have the muzzle on, but thats not really much to worry about.

I have had a nice big dinner and found a nice-ish lawn which should take about 2 weeks to ruin...

Thinking about the lawn, Twiggs didnt heave the first time I left a nice big Nellie Doodle on the lawn and she had to pick it up...... ok its called a Nellie Doodle, you could call it poop, a dump, caca-ca, I think Nellie Doodle is good as its a drawing I have made with my bum.... TBG doesnt seem as keen to clear up and mentioned something about leaving it until theres a skin on it.. Twiggs just got a bag and scooped it up, hang on a minute...... putting my doodles in bag ???? whats all that about: what are they doing with it, why are they collecting it, thats a bit odd, now I am a bit worried about these strange people, they are obsessed I am let out and then they watch what I do, especially TBG, he seems to take great delight in my bowel movements.... I am a bit loose at the moment. he does'nt find that all that funny though.......... I think its really funny and really must master the art of doodling whilst walking to create maximum mess.........

They took me to this place, I think it must be like a church as they go there a lot, a bit of a weird place name for a church its called The King & castle and they all line up at thing called a bar and pay the bloke stood behind money for Beer, which comes in big glasses, must be good stuff as they are all doing it. Twiggs wasnt to chuffed when I stuck my tounge in her beer- well I wanted to see what all the fuss was about........ mmmmmm good stuff, I like this place... There are the occasional offerings to beer gods dropped on the floor. TBG said they are crisps, porky puffs and nuts and I really shouldnt scavenge on the floor for titbits......... Hey I am a Hound and really not fussy where I find food as long as it ends up in my belly !!!!!!!!!
When we get home Twiggs & shannon go up stairs......... Think George is getting duffed up as Twiggs in moaning about bloomin sawdust all over the floor.......... I am not allowed up stairs as the stairs are steep and I may hurt my self, so they have put a stair gate on to prevent me from going up,as if I could be bothered to get up the stairs and the excuse I could hurt myself: me thinks it beacause they don't want me on the bed..... from what I gather from TGB Twiggs sleeps like a starfish and theres often no room for TBG- well if I slept on the bed that problem with twiggs would be solved as im rather starfish like my self...... they could have the floor, i'm not fussy...
TGB doesnt seem to sleep upstairs anyway, it would seem the nice bloke that he is has taken time off work to help me settle in ( show me how to open the fridge then : then I would be well settled).......... so he his staying downstairs with me.......... helping me feel comfy and at home.......
keeping me awake watching that T.v thing, snoring on the sofa... putting me on my bed in the dining room tucking me all in, only to wake me 10 mins later when checking on me !!!!!!!!
Ah well this is the life : i could get used to this very very much.... But I do hope he goes back to his own bed soon as I dont think Twiggs should really have that big double bed all to herself ( well not with out a fight from TBG).and I need my beauty sleep...alll 23.hours of it !!!

Sunday, 6 April 2008

First Day Home

The staff at Monmore are fantastic, they fed me well, looked after and exercised me and loved me so much...But I sensed this was all coming to an end as the "Vanishing proceedure " had begun, this being a whole list of things that hounds and ive seen previous kennel mates go through, before voooooooom..they vannish !!- of course I now know that the worming, micro chipping, grooming, de- fleaing etc etc are all done in preparation of our new homes- not because we are being abducted by aliens......
Fantastic TBG & twiggs have come to collect checks are made , thank you's and good byes said ......... My mode of transport to my new home................................ A V.W Camper van...fantastic- loads of leg much floor space for me to sprawl out on...oh boy oh boy...... I lie in the back until at least Junction 10 of the M6 then saunter up the front to give TBG a heart attack ... he thinks im just being affectionate, Twiggs gives me more credit and says it beacuse I want to see where I am going........ Both wrong...I just wanna check his driving out and make sure he keeps it steady up there after all i'm trying to sleep in the back.
Ok i will have to tell you at this point I have a big plastic muzzle on, not beacuse i'm Hannibal Lecture or a bittey sort of dog, its just something the kennels do..... makes me feel a bit hard and butch when they take me out to town with it on............... Anyway I go into the house I Am IN DOGGY HEAVEN....they have a house rabbit called George - big fat podgy smug thing- sat in this massive cage: well I was well made up I thought they must really really love me if they have brought me such a wonderful house warming pressie................. Just as well he was in a cage, i did momentarilly forget I had the muzzle on and looked a bit of a berk head butting the cage...... I was soon dragged away and I think they eventually fed george to Shannon.....the thing that lives upstairs as TBG took the cage up there... for a while I used to hear Twiggs shout at 2am,3am etc for god sakes George stop chewing at your water bottle............. I later learned that george went to Bunny heaven 3 months later due to old age and had to be put to sleep... put to sleep..????? : Goodness me I could have saved them a lot in vets bills and had some excercise at the same time if i had been allowed to play with him.
My first day at home was great I soon showed them how to play Hound Sofa tennis, which basically is me jumping on the sofa and them shouting "Get Off..".and me jumping off that sofa and jumping on the other one and them shouting "Get off..."... Shannon laying on one to stop me jumping on it --- ha ha ha stop me doing what I dont think so.......... anyhoo's one squished Shannon later and two very horse adults........... we have a result... who needs the expensive bed they got when I have a leather sofa all to my self.......That reminds me must get twiggs to buy me some throws for my sofa, this leathers a bit cold when you first get on it and shannons not around to warm it up first

When I met The Big Guy & Twiggs

This is a pic of me , taken at Monmore,- see how toned and slender I was then...-where I first met Twiggs and The Big Guy ( TBG)Turns out they had been on The scenic Dmu on the severn Valley on a sat night ( TBG says he likes it-its a train thing, Twiggs says its coz theres a bar on the train) and they had seen a flyer at Bridgenorth Station for the following day advertising a Meet & Greet for the Greyhound Trust and decided to go along and meet the hounds, which in turn resulted in them turning up at Monmore and falling under my spell.
TBG fell in love with me at first sight, I think Twiggs did too, although she was letting TBG think it was all his idea.... noticed this is a female thing....I was a bit worried though as it was dinner time and I did forget my manners - but not my kennel mate-and I wolfed my dinner down, in case anyone/hound was going to pinch it, I didnt think they had noticed until the buffoon in the wellies from the Kennels called me a Grubber...ha the cheek of it.......... Think Twiggs saw they way I scoffed and it remined her of the TBG at dinner time.
Anyhoo's after I had scoffed I did the decent thing and Lay down on the cold floor and gave them the Give A Hound A Home Pose, giving them my saddest look...well they though I looked sad, what I was actually doing was using Hound Telepathy...telling them they belonged to me now....must have worked.................................

Me : Nellie, who I am

My Name is Nellie, in a former life I was known as Trotters El Tina, which can be a bit of a mouthful and being a typical Greyhound, you can call me what you wish and I will only come when called by that given name if there is:

a) food involved or b) a belly rub.

I am a Brindle Bitch not a huge dog but not teenie tiny either, everyone says that I am a beautiful and a pretty dog........ ( not that I am blowing my own trumpet here, I am just relaying to you what people say

The people I own and live with are called Steve ( other wise known as: The Big Guy, Steven or For Godness sake- The latter two when the red haired one is a wee bit tense.

The red haired one is called Simone but often called Mom or Twiggs ( not very twigg like if you ask me, but hey i'm just a hound , what do I know)

Then theres another strange being that lives up stairs or lay down on the other sofa that I am not allowed on, it doesnt say a lot and tends to communicate in grunts and facial expressions, that one is called Shannon, Shandy, shanzybub, Dont answer Back, who do you think you are ( which are strange names but ones that are used quite a lot !!)

Until June last year I had not met these people who I now own.

I was born in Ireland and Raced at Harlow and Yes I was fast and Yes I did win a lot of my races.

Last May I was moved to Monmore Retired Greyhound trust (RGT) when Harlows closed down.

Thats where the 3 S's ( Steve, simone & Shannon) met me and I decided to adopt them as my own.....................................................