Monday, 30 March 2009

Turn The clocks BACK !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Some one has stolen an hour from me and I am not happy about it at all.
Who has cant just disappear ?

OK...Own Up which Numpty said we have to put the clocks forward ?
I am really really NOT happy about this fact.

I lose an hours sleep.....A WHOLE HOUR !!!!!( Ok so I maybe gained one 6 months ago ( I cant remember as I was asleep at the time)

Horrors..... Yesterday morning Twiggs came plodding down stairs AN HOUR me up for my breakfast..which i dutifully ate then retired back to my bed....An hour early..
I was taken by the pair of them to the park ( which did alarm me as normally when they both drag me out in the direction of the park it means no park but past the park to the vets)
So I had a run in the park....dive bombing the pair of them.....

They had roast pork for lunch ( sulk, sulk I cant have they say it gives me urban curry, runny Nellie doodles...which isn't a problem for me..more for them trying to scoop it up- they are just so selfish )all was not lost as the Albino Emo snook me finger fulls of gravy off her emptied plate with out Bumface noticing....

Then later as it was " Still so light" they took me for a two hour walk..which really narked me..if I had known I was getting dragged out twice in one day suffering from sleep deprivation...I would not have galloped so much in the park, trying to bowl Twiggs over.............( well I say bowl over but looking at the size of those thighs I think it may take more than my self at 45mph to knock that off balance)

Hmmmmmmmmfffffpp !

A walk in the woods..including the 100000 mile walk to the woods ...-not happy- then TBG was not a happy one when he had to drag me back home..Twiggs did comment that it was like dragging a tired toddler or a sullen teenager along..I wasn't trying to trip him up..I was trying not to fall over with exhaustion...

So this means the nights are lighter, which means longer evening walks, which means not a happy Nellie .
This means brighter mornings with the sunlight waking me up, which means not a happy Nellie
This means the stupid birds will wake up earlier than ever and start their incessant chirping earlier and wake me up, which means not a happy Nellie.

I shall have to invest in some earplugs and a doggy eyemask....and practice that limp again so I am not dragged out as much.........


Tuesday, 17 March 2009

TBG says NO

I was dragged on The Perry Barr RGT walk on Sunday.....which is always good bum sniffing fun and if it wasn't for the fact that I have ( and The Albino Emo one) have to get up so very early ( 10.30 meet up) and the walky in between bit-it would be great.
Its always great to meet up with my fellow hounds and sniff and eat sausages.
Twiggs always falls in love in with several hounds...... HOWEVER this Sunday I was really narked ( believe me if my snout wasn't quite so long I would have done the Twiggs bum face thing)
There was this puppy, Poppy I think IT was called..a ditty brindle thing ( not nice brindle like me, but a wishy washy brindle yellowy thing).
IT I think was about 18 weeks old, IT had a broken leg from where a daft Alsatian had fallen on folks- including Twiggs were all like, " awwwwwwwww, ooohhh poor Sweet little THING"
Twiggs even deserted me and went to fawn all over it and kept looking at TBG all longingly and doe eyed...he kept mouthing words like ... NO way, Bugger off..never ever"
Twiggs kept saying oh its just soooooooo sweet ( and Im not ? ) Oh its so lovely
( and Im not ?) We have room for IT.
Actaully I dont have room for IT...Theres not enough room for me on the sofa...let alone when Twiggs parks her big fat bottom on it and thinks im getting all lovey dovey snuggling up to her....when will she realise I am actually trying to push her off !!!!!!!!!!
We dont have enough toys for IT and I am nOT sharing mine will some thing that will get puppy drool all over it.
Theres not enough room in the camper van for IT...point proven on the way home when I purposely spread out to maximum capacity in the van just to show them how small the van is.
My bed...just its massive, but its massive just for me.
Food, well as you have read previously theres not enough food for me in this house lately let alone a manky puppy.
As its obviously un raced and will never race due to the dog wrestling doubt it will have lots of energy ( HORRORS) and want lots of walks which no doubt I will have to go on too ( so dont think so)... Plus I know TBG wont want to be walking IT all the time......and two sets of eyes watching them pig out at tea time, two sets of drooling mouths...nope cant see that happening.....
Who wants a rug-rat in the house not me..and certainly not for once we agree on something.
Twiggs nearly had to be taken to casualty on the way home as I thought she was going to actually swallow her lips she had sucked them in so much and there was a BIG silence on the way home...apart from the sighing and occasional tutting that is.
well I'd rather have silence any day than an ankle bitter invading MY SPACE


Ok I know I am on this enforced diet...and you know that i am not very happy about this....Prior to being starved I could occassionally get SWEETIES off these folks who live in my house.
Tbg loves sweets and still mourning the closure of Woolworths & the best pick a mix ever ever ever...I always said he had the mentallity of a child and when it comes to sweeties its a very close call between him and the Albino Emo one.
Some times they will drop sweets whilst shovelling them into their gapping mouths to which I pounce and gobble them up before they can be hit on the back of the head by the falling candy.
Im not so keen on hard boiled sweets as they hurt my tounge.... sour sweeties really hurt my taste buds- have you seen the size of my many taste buds ????

I like jelly babies and jelly belly beans ( although I always seem to get the manky ones like cappucino and cinnemon ..the really yakky ones no one likes ( or me really)..but dont normally realise they have fooled me with vile flavours till I am mid-chomp....... Nasty !

What I dont like is Space candy ( also knwon as Space dust,Fizz-whizz, popping candy etc etc)
I should have realise something was up when TBG actually offered me some candy and he was smiling at me........ so I trotted over to him and loving licked the suggary candy from his palm..... then all of a sudden " WHAM ! " my mouth exploded.....pop, pop,pop ! There was a mini volcano going off in my mouth and I couldnt stop it, like a million little imps sat on my tounge firing cannon balls...I tried to run about the room shaking my muzzle : But it wouldnt stop........ Nor would Tbg stop laughing.....tears were running down his big stupid face...his shoulders were shaking and he sounded like Mutley on speed.............
That was a very mean and nasty trick to play on me, I couldnt believe he would be quite so mean or what had just happened in my mouth.
I had to try the space candy a few more times just to make sure..........
Twiggs has banned him from bringing it in the house now and has threatened to ring the dudes at the RSPCA.
I think jelly babies are the safest bet from now on ( thats the nearest I will ever get to eating a human )

Monday, 16 March 2009

Lettuce & Stuff ( bleeeruuuugh)

Some people have got rather large mouths...and open it when no really cares what drivel is coming out..........especially when they are TALKING ABOUT ME !!!!!!!

Especially when they are calling me portly, rotund, heavy boned....FAT, FAT, FAT !

Yes you know who you are...... do you have no mirrors or scales in your own house...
( NO ???...I wonder why......... Lard arse)..The term Pot- Kettle-Black spring to mind

I am not Fat....I AM RETIRED.........

I am no where near the stage when I am looking at doggy pantie girdles...or little wheeled trolleys in which to transport this huge girth around !!!!

Yes "Mr OOOOHHHHHHHHHHH Thats a Fat greyhound you have there...! " I am more than aware that you have a million lurchers.... ( mongrels) there is a difference : you are a pikey and you poach ( yes I know you call them 'working dogs'- they are not working they are poaching..I used to work...hence earn money..hence I is now RETIRED)
Your poor dogs are out in all weathers, time of day etc chasing rabbits etc, etc..I know all about pikey poaching, lamping, ferreting- netting-etc etc ...Twiggs is part pikey and grew up with this sort of thing....any way your Lurchers are out every day chasing bobtails etc.... no doubt if I was let off the lead and ran round and round further than the confines of the park I would be the Kate moss/skeletor of the greyhound world......... but as I have already mentioned I am R-E-T-I-R-E-D...
I have managed to retain my figure and not gone to pot like Stallone...........
Put me next to twiggs ( Huge bum & thighs) or TBG and I am almost see through I am that skinny in comparison.
Any way thanks to you (" Captain Know it all about greyhounds weight) I am Now on a diet..... I am now also not very happy...they can stick carrots in my food... I wont digest them so they may as well cut out the middle man and save TBG from gagging and just wrap the carrots in a poop bag and throw them away..... My food has been cut back to the bare minimum ( apart from extra stinky veggies...which I will recycle and turn in room odour and share while they are having tea) and what little treats I did have are no more........................ The only thing I have to look forward to is my weekly trip to the beer church to see landlady cheese.....and a dish of cheese which I swear has shrunk in size...that dish did seem mightly small last time......... and trying to trip the Albino Emo up whilst she is carrying food from the kitchen.....
So if I look sad and forlorn..its not a Greyhound thing...Its a me I AM BLOOMING STARVING I will scavenge for food at every oppertunity and will disobey them and go in the kitchen and generally be a morsel monster... Until they give in

Monday, 9 March 2009

New bed...about time

These three clowns who live in my house went to Crufts yesterday.. I wasnt invited which to be honest I am rather quite glad about...I went last year ( as ive said before I wasnt entering Crufts to win a prize as thats just like TOTALLY unfair on all the other dogs who put up with years of training and inbreeding) I was helping raise awareness of Greyhounds..showing folks just how darn lovely we are
( especially me)and that we all need homes and how we can enrich your lives..and that we are really really in need of was great last year..but do you realise just how hard it is to lay down for 8 hours being fawned over , petted and stroked..its hard work..took me 2 weeks to recover last year.

I stayed and looked after the house and off they went.
The albino emo dressed up as Homer The Giant Greyhound to try and raise funds and awareness...I think thats job well suited for a) the suit covers her face so she can pull faces and raise those bloomin eyebrows all she wants and no one can see and tell her off & B) She doesnt have to talk in it...which suits her fine as all she normally does is grunt anyway...and I nearly forgot C) it doesnt matter if her hair has gone manky as no one can see it...... I think she acually enjoyed it, dancing, hugging children,,,chasing after what she calls " Fit" boys...there was a hairy moment I am told involving a giant Great Dane who was scared of her...some one told her to get on the floor( to play with it) which twiggs nearly passed out thinking the worst....but all was well they made friends..and there was no embarrassment or need for mothers to pull small children away in horror...!!!!!
They brought me a pressie.... a latex piggy...which a honk crossed with a oink..its lovelly and I love oinkers...but Twiggs is worried that it actually looks like a pigglet...that rules out any future farm trips then ......
Any way the point is...THEY BROUGHT ME A NEW BED....... Its massive...I need a ladder to get on it...then I sink into it.....and the best bit is it cost more than the albino emos bed.......
It takes up half the dining room.......Twiggs and TBG are blaming one another for buying it and panicking in case I dont like it...dont like it...I LOVE IT....
Now I have mastered thae art of climbing onto it and not panicking when I think I am sinking into it.Its fantasic...and even better I am so high up not only do I need oxygen I can see what yummies may be on the dining room table...RESULT !!!!!

Wednesday, 4 March 2009

Barbara Cartland Hound

Hurrah, Hurrah how humbled am I ?
A mere hound of hound has been given an award for all of my hard work................. I am astounded to say the least a very kind lady Called Stella
has very kindly given me a Kreativ Blogger Award... Please note the award is given to me...ME Nelly that is...not Twiggs who only has to type it all up...hence the spelling errors and poor lay out ( I would type it my self but only having paws and claws ( thats when the vet hasnt chopped them all off that is)is a wee bit of a problem so I have to wait until Twiggs can be bothered to get her lardy backside of facebook and spare me the time...
To which I may lounge on my massive bed dictating to her ( Like barbara Cartland)whatching her struggle to type with one finger and her tounge sticking out......

I am such a happy hound at recieving this award....... Thank you very much - if I could smile I would...believe me I have tried to smile, but it looks like I am merley baring my teeth and I get told off......( or I get threatened with a doggy asbo)....... So Stella inside my heart is smiling....Thank you

Once you receive the Kreativ Blogger award you’re supposed to pass on the good cheer.Here are the instructions:

1. Copy the award to your site.
2. Link to the person from whom you received the award.
3. Nominate 7 other bloggers. (I could only think of five...sorry)
4. Link to those sites on your blog.
5. Leave a message on the blogs you nominate.
I pass along the good cheer to the following blogs:


Sunday, 1 March 2009

Hold The Polish Please

I thought it a bit odd that both Tbg & Twiggs were taking me out for a walk together...considering Twiggs had just gotten in from work and normally is chained to the kitchen producing belly filling stuff the moment she gets through the door....
Even odder they took me in the general direction of the park ( OK maybe I led them that way and they didn't moan or berate me like usual)but hang on a moment..we walked straight past the entrance to the park....Hang on a cotton picking moment..we've just walked past the park........... Bugger.
This only means one thing................

THE VETS.......!

Duped heart sank as I mentally went through er..up to date........I felt really good no Ouchy bits or sore why was I going to the vets ???????????
I hate that smells really funny and all the animals in there are sick and I always worry as I may catch some sort of fatal slow killing/maiming disease from said sick a visit to the vets always without a doubt HURTS !!!!

I did the ole Tail between my legs thing...Tbg cuddled me thinking I was a scardeycat...what I was actually doing was trying to get my tail so far between my legs that it actually covered my mouth and nostrils so I wouldn't have to breathe in all those life threatening germs.( Mental note to self...must do tail stretching exercises................

Oh joy they call my name and I am very gently cajoled into a side room ( gently as in I am sure my claw marks are still embedded into that floor like big doggy tram-tracks).

Ah so it seems these very nice people who lodge with me have booked me in for a manicure..that's fantastic...I do manicures much better than injection or thermometers up my unmentionables !!!!!!!

Or I did do manicures

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm it would seem that i have a few nails that have very long quiks
( the only thing that is quick about me these days)
And it so happened that the first nail to be cut was one of those and it bled.
And bled
And bled
And bled

The veterinary nurse was horrified....TBG tried to put her at ease..- ah-hem what about me..that's my life blood spilling on the floor and I feel ever so faint..
20 minutes I was stuck in that room with bits of wadding and bog roll stuck to my paw trying to stem the flow from where she had tried to amputate my paw.
Eventually to my horror she started to mummify my paw so I could walk home....My heart was thumping in case she made me put one of those big gay silver booties on it....If it came to a choice between wearing one of those home or being taken home by a pack of feral kittens dragging me by my tail..........Pass me the kitten food.

Thankfully no bootie was brought out.
I did have to walk home past all the rush hour traffic queues ..I could see people pointing to me looking sorry for me....So I just looked up at my evil lodgers just so folks would know that they did this to me and looked all doe eyed and sorry for my self.

I will have to learn how to bite my nails