Wednesday, 31 December 2008

Morning Call




So we have the Dragon staying..all can't be too bad Tbg and twiggs are still speaking and the dragon hasn't been banished or gaffer taped up and bunged in the cellar yet...
The Dragon is only a teeny tiny person well under a foot shorter than twiggs and half Tbg size..... but goodness me what a lot of noise for one small person ( ah-hem yes if I choose to break wind and share it with you.....I don't care, I really have no shame....and if you are really lucky i will do the stretchy point head down tail and bum in the air...Aim & take fire thing...............I dont care...And If it burns your eyes and makes you gag...shame...you shouldn't have given me the sprouts in the first place) But I WILL NOT TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR OTHER PEOPLE GAS EMISSIONS EVER !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And she snores......takes up the whole sofa so I am squished in between Twiggs & Tbg...while she is sprawled on the other Braying like a donkey in her sleep keeping me awake..........................
Anyway twiggs had the delight of sleeping with her ( I don't think The Dragon liked Twiggs shouting "Quick burglars...Hide !! " and shoving her head under the quilt...when there was a smelly pocket of air waiting for her under the quilt cover)
I get to sleep downstairs with TBG................ I did originally think hurrah cuddles all night...not realising he would be sleeping on a single camp bed with no room for me and watching saddo Telly ( you know...Mythbusters..- yawn-.Water ways...-yawn-.how its made..-yawn-.sad railway programs...all the stuff Twiggs huffs at and makes him change channels......but most of the night he had the telly on keeping me awake......................
M'eh............
So I waited till about 4am when he had drifted off into the land of nod ...deep into the land of dribble on your chin...and pretended I wanted to go out for a wee-wee...............
Then hey as he was awake I thought he may as well fed me my breckie now.......
No
He wouldn't feed me
M'eh.........................
So
I tried the low pitched whine..............
I tried the jumping on him thing...........
I tried dancing about the room...
After half an hour
Just before I wound myself up into a big big barking frenzy
he mutters something
and sucessssssssssssssssssssssss
i have breckie early........
When twiggs gets up though I get the old bumface looks all day as TBG keeps moaning about The Bloody Dog keeping him up all night..............
Actually I think TBG i only kept you awake for 35 minutes.......you kept me awake longer watching stoooopid oldmens telly

Tuesday, 23 December 2008

Dragon-in- law




Har har Christmas is but 2 days away...TBG keeps shaking his head and muttering things a little dog should not hear under his breath.....
I think the reason is because Twiggs has invited her mommy over for christmas...I dunno what her name is Twiggs calls her mommy, Albino emo calls her Nanny..TBG calls her The Dragon...so I am thinking her name is dragon.
I dont think TBG is going to collect her, from what he says I think she is flying here on her broomstick...I wonder how she will manage all pressies riding high on a besum ????
The good thing is Twiggs has to sleep with her due to the lack of bed and I get to sleep with TBG down stairs.HURRAAHHHHHH..........!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am soo looking forwards to christmas now.....
I wish The Dragon could come to live here so i can snuggle with TBG every night...Dont think he'd like that very much though..( not the snuggley bit the
dragon living with us........
Remeber Tbg a dragon is for life and not just for christmas................

Its CHRISTMAAAAAAAAAAAAAS........ !


Now now I know its the time of giving and who nicer to give to than me ?
I will really really adore and love you if you should wish to bestow gifts of edible nom-noms upon me and maybe the odd...squeeky toy that I can throw about and ravish.....
But beware................ I may look like I have been dropped from a great height and splatted on the floor..as dead as dean could ever be.....how ever I am watching you always..admittingly with one eye closed...( I can see you wrapping that doggy toy- no matter that you profess its a gift for some ones baby...I know, I know..))
I also have x-ray vision and will know which is my gift no matter how carefully you wrap and disguise it...its canine intuition......
Also when someone gave Twiggs a dog bone shaped pressie and she snook it to the behind the tree.I knew it was ment for me......

I waited, and waited ( until the two legged one had left the room, that is)
And again there I was having a snifty around the tree, just checking the phantom squirrel hadnt snook in the house and was hiding so he could let his mates in when we wernt looking and pinch all the alinbo emos stuff....see how nice I am looking after the silent ones interests !!!!!
Any way a branch flicked me in the eye and whilst I shaking my head to clear my vision - genetics wont allow me to rub my eye with my paw - the bone shaped gift fell into my mouth- yes you heard me IT FELL- and in the process of shaking my head it unwrapped.......now we have been here before and the only thing I could think to do was to destroy the evidence...sadly though wrapping paper and selotape is too chewy to swallow...
TBG caught me and I gave him the ole sad....it wasnt me...I did it accidently on purpose look....( and cowered..not that i have a need to cower..but he's a sucker and it works every time and all was well... x
I will apologise to the red suited one and if he should wish the saddle up the ole reindeers and head to my house I promise i wont open any more gift early ever ever again..unless its an accident.......
Talking of accidents...Twiggs I am ever so sorry about about killing that teddy with the santa hat on...he jumped off the side and was trying to pull my teeth out with his little furry paws when you walked in the room ..we were wrestling....what else could I do ?

Monday, 15 December 2008

Choke-choke




Ah-hem...when I am lay on back....giving it my all...legs a flapping..this means I need my belly rubbed...not just a quick pat...Im talking a serious no less than 10 minute belly-full-on attention..... If however during this time I start to cough and splutter...this means..
I am in danger of swallowing my tounge as I forgotten to loll it out and stick it to the carpet.
I am also aware of two things...
1) Do I get up and to uncurl my tounge from my tonsils..to avaoid choking to death ?
Or
2)Do I just lay there in obvillion..in tummy heaven...choking ?

Ok so the answer is normally 2

So in case this senario should happen again please do the following

1) Stop stoking ( we can always carry on where we left off later
2) Make me stand up ( Even if you have to pick me up -or bribe with a sausage....actually just bribe me - I have no pride)
3) Pat my back - remember I said pat not whack or thump
4) Failing that put your fingers in mouth and uncurl my tounge....now the best method is to make sure you have a large block of cheese between your fingers..this will entice the tounge back up.........

Under no circumstances must you laugh or imply that I am a retard.....this will result me being very unhappy and disturbed...so distubed in fact I will lose control of my bladder by the back door while you are asleep..............

Muuuuuuuuuuuuuuud !!!!




Oh yes, oh yes...the front door has closed and were off...off in the direction of the park ( well thats where I am going twiggs may chooes to follow if she wishes......
Oh lovelly the enclosure is deserted..so Twiggs doesnt have to wait for it to empty, politely refusing to go in when other dogs are running about...even though the owners of said running about dogs are inviting her in so I can play with their dogs......... Twiggs just tells them that I am a shy dog....( more like a rabid biting running machine and Twiggs doesnt want me to flatten and bowl any other small breeds over- I say bring it on...the vets is only around the corner...but no I am like Forrest Gump...A Lone Runner......
Anyhooo we are off....of course I have to spend the first 10 minutes having a meander and a sniff and 60 wee-wee's............then again as mentioned before I have to go up the far corner...furthest away from Twiggs and do a big big two-bagger Nellie doodle ( this way Twiggs has to run like Billy-o to pick it up before I run back through it whilst looping the loop)
1,2 anddddddddddddddd 3 i'm off wind whistling through my ears......"Oh NOOOOOOOO
MUD............. "
Slippppppppppp I cant stop: Im cornering and ive banked over too far and slipped in the mud and im still sliding...and I'm upright and not lost my stride and its back around the ciruit again and its " oh no "i forgot about that patch of mud I have just slipped in and i'm over again....
Now im stood by the bottom gate : i want to go home now...I wasnt built for mud wrestling...
Twiggs is not laughing like I thought she would be ..seeing as I have just fallen over in the dirt......( i think she was worried I may have hurt myself)
But she did ring TBG on the way home and much to my embarassment she told him and them she laughed...........
She wasnt laughing went she got home and saw how dirty I was...( after I tried to wipe the mud off on the rug)
So she washed me and hugged me and gave me traets as I was a wounded( well my pride was-
Down side is Im not allowed off the lead over the park until the mud dries up......

Sunday, 14 December 2008

TWIRLY




Forget GMT in this house we have Nellie time : Every thing is done by Nellie Time..I say when din-dins time is..If I decide I would like my dinner time to be brought forward to 3pm instead of 5pm ...Thats Nellie time and will involve me shadowing you..trying to trip you up..annoying you in every way I possibily can from jumping on you and slurping your face to looking all sad and pathetic and becomeing a large wiggliy trip hazzard..down to just barking at you...to which the response is " Nellie , you are TWIRLY...!!!- its no where near dinner/ breakfast/sausage/milko time "
TWIRLY ? TWIRLY...what is Twirly when it comes to Nellie time...All I know is it envolves a long wait normally..........................................................

Friday, 12 December 2008

Men & kites




"Twiggs, twiggs..me and the albino emo went for a walk up Clent and saw people flying kites and Nellie was really interested and had her space hopper head on...! "enthused TBG when twiggs got home from work...( remember what I said about the greyhound pretend death radar laser ear thing...well thats what was going on...I WAS TRYING TO KILL THE FLYING BIT O CLOTH BEFORE IT FELL ON ME..at NO point was I looking enthusiastic..or like I wanted one )
So thus the week went on with him doing the blokey I want one, I want one thing....
Hummmmmph.....
Oh joy oh joy oh joy...He got one...lucky ole me.....I know it means yet another sunday walk ( whopppie-do -dah) which means Bloomin Clent, which means as soon as I am yanked outta my warm comfy spot in the VW van ( oh yes I now have a soft bed in there thanks to Twiggs being a soft touch) its up hill straight away no warm up...no gentle meander..just calf hurty walking way, listening to Twiggs puff and watching the albino emo actually go another colour other than white or transparent...( bright red)
We find the spot and yes he of engineering background has to do it all correctly..no faffing.....all precise,,,( fred Dibnah has a lot to answer for)...anyhoooo Emo pants is first..Its FREEZING cold and windy too...as it was a cheapo kite it kept nose diving in my direction..I had visions of going to the doggy doctor to to have bits of cloth removed from where it had been impailed in my skull........ Twiggs had to keep walking me round as it was sooooooooooo cold.. ( But the albino emo actually SMILED and I think I heard it laugh....mind you that could have been wind ???)
Then TBG has a go and it all gets really serious..he is actually quite good then again he does have the arm span of a gibbon....the Twiggs says..." Ooohhh look over there its gone awfully dark.." to which we all look and see hell descending in on us in the form of a storm....TBG rolled that kite up quicker than ive seen him eat a super sour bag of pick a mix from Woolies and we legged it...then came the rain and more and more...we were drenched...the the Albino Fell over big style how she didnt slide bum first to bottom of the hill I will never know...her mom was very supportive and laughed like a braying donkey on double expresso..........
I was wet and misreable and it was past dinner time and then as the camper van steamed up we had tpdrive home with the windows down.Brrrrrrrrrrrr......
The kite has not been seen since, but however Twigg's new dusters look mighty familar.

Evil Jack Frost


"Oh look its all white and frosty out side..... ooh its all crispy and white..............." Really are not words that inspire me to rouse my furry back side off my big warm snuggilly bed and go for a long long romp ..
Its a shame that TBG cant see that I am laying in bed pretending to be dead FOR A REASON while they all zip and boot up....and its not until my bed ( with little ole mesome)is dragged in to the middle of the room and pulled rudely from underneath me and I am collared up as I fall from my bed ..that I accept grudingly that my fate is a really long walk in the really really cold...
Great they have hats on, they have gloves on, they have scarves on..( ok apart from the Albino emo one...coz its really like uncool and someone see knows may see her and think she really like ummmm un- cool ( actually she's really cool...cool to the point of freezing)..I have my coat on..no hat no gloves, no scarf...Twiggs used to put a scarf on me but TBG wasnt to keen......what about leg warmers ?..have you seen the length of my legs ?...Actually I would like a giant nellie snuggy romper suit..but like a giant electric blankie........oh lovelly..........( not a knitted one though..have you seen wool when its wet ???? a bit of drizzle, my body weight would quadruple and i'd never get home..plus Twiggs would probally vomit..( she has this squeeky wet wool phobia thing going on)
Anyway off we go...im lagging behind with the Albino emo who really doesnt want to be out walking any more than I do.........
Its not too bad once we get to the woods its really rather plesant really...I have to time having a nellie-doodle just right..not too far from the entrance so when I have to do a Urban curry they still have to pick it up but just that too far from the litter bins so they either have to walk back to it or carry it around with them.... At this point I choose NOT to walk with the Albino emo one as with the size of her feet and the fact she is always dragging them she has a tendancy to fall over a lot..and as there is mud and some parts are slippy I walk with TBG..as I dont want her to slip over and land on me or Twiggs to wee on me with her week middle age womans bladder when she is laughing at Albino emo for falling over...TBG is the safest bet by far.
So ok I will admit the walky-walk-walk bit around the woods is good as there are squirrels ( real visable ones, which are distant cousins to the phantom one that lives with us and humans cant see)... I am not allowed to chase them..so I do the greyhound space hopper radar ear killer thing..where I pretend my ears are radars which emit a death beam..to anhillate all squirrels... !!!!!!
I just hate the thought of going out ( unless i know they are going to town or to those horrible places where hounds are not allowed in ..then I demand to be taken..ha ha) I am not agraphobic at all... I is just a hound......

Sunday, 2 November 2008

Trick Or Treat ..........

I have a "Marmite" relationship with this time of year...
I love it with a passion and loathe it with equal passion...

I love it Because.......

Its dark and rainy and cold out there which now means its not a battle of wills between TBG and myself to get me out of the door for walkies...as he is more reluctant than me to go out in it...and the first sign of me bolting to hide on my bed has him proclaiming to Twiggs..." ah look Its .....................too ,cold/wet/windy/dark/frosty/icy/snowy/fireworky out there & its not fair to drag the poor dog out....ha ha ha ha ha...... which means result...I get to stay in and he gets to sit on the sofa watching yet more Only fools and Horses re-runs of re-runs....its just twiggs I have to be careful of as when she has her bum face on.........and ear-phones on I know theres no way out...and I will have her pulling on the lead and her barking to TBG to push my bum to get me out of the house.......
Some days I would so love to bite her.......

I love leaves...big piles of leaves I like to walk through them...jump on them in case theres a phantom squirrel hiding inside them........... Twiggs used to love to run through them kicking them up in the air....but now shes old and grumpy she worries however about kicking hidden Dog Toffee in the air..................

I love Halloween....I love sweets...I love Jelly Teddies...which just happen to be TBG's favourite also...not too keen on the super sour sweets..or fizz bombs...not since The Albino emo dropped one ( Now I am suprised it didnt get stuck in the back of her hair as it hit her on the back of the head......) and I beat her to it in picking it up off the floor .....................................................mind you I think the spiteful moo took her time and let me pick it up..on purpose to just to see me try and swallow my own snout......and wipe my tounge on the carpet and get carpet burns from trying to wipe the nastiness off......

I also like the darker nights as it helps me sleep as its bed time for at least 23 hours a day now : Great stuff

I hate this time of year because.....................

Nasty horrible fireworks...I believe Bonfire night is 5th November...not every single night from 1st October till the clocks go forward...They make me jump.... they scare me...... They make me nervy...I have a bed made for me under the table in dining room so I can feel all snug and secure ( you know like a mini-anderson shelter !!!!)
Just as I am drifting of to sleep...BANG, BANG no wonder I am so tired for the rest of the year....sleep depravation at its best durring October-november time....you show me a hound who likes fireworks and I will show you one deaf hound........

Trick or treaters...oh yes...banging on the door all night despite Grumpy TBG putting a "bugger off and buy yer own sweeties sign in the window"
How dare they interupt what little sleep I am getting at the moment...then scaring the bayjaysus outta me...all dressed up like mini gouls etc.....I rush to the door to greet who ever has come to visit me and AGGGGHHHHHHH...gets me every time...I really dont know how my heart survives this time of year at all.........................

Then theres TBG calling me in to the kitchen to offer me some sweeties....how my heart swelled for love for that guy...buying me sweeties.......................
until I realised just a fraction too late he has brought me & fed me SPACE DUST..or popping candy..my mouth was crackling and popping I though my ears were going to pop off.........It was like haing a mini fireworks display in my mouth......................... I am so glad that he found it so funny...so Funny in fact twiggs had to slap him on the back after he started to sound like Mutley and then brought on a laughing enduced coughing fit and couldnt breathe...shame she slapped him so hard....


Next time he leaves the jelly teddies un -guarded I shall not eat them or gobble them down...I shall one by one take each one outta the packet and lick it before replacing it back in the packet.




Wednesday, 15 October 2008

He's Behind You.................


See, see proooooooooooof thats what this photo is , " PROOF................ !"
Proof that I am not making it up or having another Nellie dream moment.
THE PHANTOM SQUIRREL IS REAL.....

Tuesday, 14 October 2008

Milk Monitor


"Milk-o, Milk-o........................! "
Ernie may have very well have been the fastest milk man in the west...he would have needed to be with me fast on his heels......
As I have said before I do not have OCD ; I is a hound, I is a creature of habit....and a new habit has developed in my house...involving the magic white food cuboard- ( The one Tbg comes home from work opens and stands in front of to see if the magic food pixies have made a delivery of any thing exciting while he's been at work and he can quickly stuff in his face before Twiggs shouts at him that she didnt buy those nom nom things to be eaten....... ( ?)
I have noticed that every night Twiggs makes The albino one a hot drink and normally her self one also....which means MILK.......apart from when Emo is being all arty farty and opts for lemon & Honey in her tea - whats that all about then..you only have lemon and honey in cakey bakey things and when you have a croaky sore throat..but come on in tea ????? NO !
Twiggs used to give me powdered milk with weetabix ( until they realised that what was making all the urban curry mess)..when I say powdered milk of course she used to mix it with water for me..even Twiggs isnt that cruel she'd make me use my big long snout like a giant Dib-dab !!
So when I hear the kettle being put on , I know whats coming...then as soon as I hear the magic white cuboard open I spring through off the sofa like Bambi on speed straight to my dish as give it the cute ears up, head on the side thing..which Twiggs thinks is me being rather cute and fetching..actually the ears up and head to the side is me trying the ole telepathy...." put milk in my dish...put milk in my dish....PUT THE MILK IN MY DISH....... ! "
Never failed me yet.......
Yum yum love milk..Tbg moans about all the milk we are using, Twiggs tells him its good for my bones and to stop being a tight arse and a wee drop of milk wont ruin us.
I love having the milk mustache, I try and lick it all off , but then have to give up and stick my bum in the air whilst trying to wipe my mouth on floor...keeping guard with one beady eye that no one tries to tip me over whilst I am in a vunrable posistion........
I reacon the should get a cow ( the bovine as oppossed to the stroppy kind that we get in our house) and keep in the garden so I have milk on tap all day rather than having to wait until nearly bed time.............

Thursday, 9 October 2008

Bucket feet


Oh the shame...the shame.........................

As you know there are two places I will produce a mighty fine Nellie-doodle...

1) Back Garden..Nice comfy back, private : Great
2) The enclosure in the park where I like to do a big runny urban curry in the long grass before taking off on a mad sprint around the field...Long grass is best as it makes Twiggs heave as she trying to get it all up before I bomb back up and skid in it ( you know what they say at the races...always bet on the greyhound that has always just had a dump-coz they is the fastest)
Now we know that TBG is a lazy git and will " leave it - (in the back garden before you all jump on him bemoaning about all the times you have trodden in dog toffee and ended up doing the foot scrape behind you walk up the road).....he leaves it to get a skin on- so its easier to scoop up- ah hem I do solids at home if you dont mind so solid you have to chop it with a stick some days to get it a pooper scoop bag-thank you on or thats what he says...me thinks its so Twiggs will spot it and clean it up, before he remembers to go out and do it...... as I said lazy git...
anyhoos the one day after having veggies in with my tea the previous evening I had left mount everest in the garden and he had forgotten ( Oh dear i didnt realise she done anything were the words he muttered) about it..
So when I spotted the phantom squirrel up the tree I bombed it out side and " YOIKES " straight through it....eeeeeewwwwwwwwwwww...........! Bad bad...all four paws- I told you it was a big one....
I wasnt allowed back in the house and was made to have my paws washed in a bucket of water by a heaving Twiggs supporting the biggest bumface I have ever seen in my life......... and she didnt offer a full manicure either
The shame of it all...foiled by my own waste.........

Wednesday, 8 October 2008

Reverse Psychologythingamujig


I am a lot of things, which I will quite happily hold my paw up to

for example:

I am...............

1) Lazy

2) Always hungry

3) A cuddle monster

4) A hunter and killer of furry teddies ( especially those with annoying squeeky innards)

5) Deaf, well selective hearing anyway

6) A trip hazzard

7) Narcleptic

The list could go on and on, however there is one thing I am not and thats " STOOOOOOPID"

I fully understand the working of reverse psychology and I am more than aware when these folks in my house use it on me........

For example Twiggs is in the kitchen and contrary to what she says she is not chained to the sink, and she says " Nellie, get out the kitchen "

I know this means " Nellie stay in the kitchen and I will give you something yummy in a moment "

She says " Nellie get your nose off the oven door, you will burn your nose ! " I know this means,

" When you yelp in pain I will give you something yummy to take the hurty away "

She says " Nellie get out from under my feet or I will end up dropping this item I am holding on the floor"

I know she means " opps-a daisy...I seem to accidently on purpose dropped that, ah well Nellie you may as well have it now ! "

So you see when Twiggs says " ohforfourfootsnake get outta da kitchen you bloodydog !!! "

I know she really means , " Nellie you know how much I love you and dont mind tripping over you, you stay right there and something yummy will come your way !!!!!

See I'm not stupid after all.........

Wednesday, 17 September 2008

Move over bumface

Camping in the camper van..........hhhmmmm.....nice big bed inside of camper..squishy and comfy..normally I jump in first coz Twiggs is faffing about with Gnat lotion or Gnat bite relief lotion, or counting her Gnat bites....TBG is normally up at the toilet block doing a TBG doodle ....... So firstly Twiggs moans at me cos I am lay in the middle, well excuse me I am a hound I dont know what a middle is, I just do Nellie comfy ..so the quilt is yanked away and I find myself sliding towards the window...then she hoiks her big bottom in taking all the quilt to cover it.
Then Tbg will come and take up more of my room and normally one of them will end up breaking wind and then blaming it on me......( as if )
Then one of them will snore...Twiggs does this weird breathing in and not exhailling thing..I wait with bated breath to see if she gonna breathe out or if shes dead....TBG just sounds like Mutley.
Then theres the starfish thing that Twiggs does - she says its due to siatica- I say its due to too many pies and chunky thighs, which ends up with me squished up by the steering wheel...and pardon me if i dare step outside of the 5 inches I am allocated, they fidget, grunt and smell.

2 whole nights I had to endure this, 2 whole nights : then we had the mother of all thunder storms and Albino Big brave " i like all things dark & scarey" Emo child didnt want to sleep on her own in her tent and Twiggs who really really hates storms volunteered to stay in tent with said emo...and ended up in there for the rest of the holiday.........partly as on that first night we had 6 storms one after the other and it didnt get much better after that......IT WAS FANTASTIC......... me and TBG camping out together..or more importantly me taking up twiggs side of the camper...ha ha ha, and I think TBG enjoyed sleeping with me more and I dont snore or smell as bad as Twiggs or hog the quilt ( much ! ).
Then twiggs is normally awake early due to having a weak bladder and a hike to the toilet block..and she would come and sit in the awning waiting for me and TBG to wake up...ha ha sucker...we'd leave her out there for an hour looking all sad and moonfaced...while we pretended to be alseep all snug....... well she chose to sleep in the tent..The camper is mine all mine......

Tuesday, 16 September 2008

Dark Nights

Ha ha ha......
Some people are so funny....... for the record let it be said " I am not scared of the dark !"
I am very much unlike the Albino-Emo-scene-goth -moody teen that lives in this house..who is scared of the toilet / under-the-bed-/hiding on the landing/sitting in the wardrobe monster and has to leave all the lights blaring in case said monster should jump out and actually make it smile !!!
What I am scared of is being Hood-winked like I was last night....
Twiggs dared to dangle the lead in my face...well I was comfy all snug on my duvet and to be honest I was really tired as I had just spent 10 minutes beating the bejayus out of Tony the tiger ( my newly aquired hunting aide...ok its a teddy..but its a dead teddy now)
Any way I am nearly in the land of twitchy paws..and dangle dangle plop my lead is swaying in front of my eyes...what is the woman doing trying to hypnotise me ?
No way hose am I moving so I hide my face in my bed..trying the ole-" I cant see you so you are not there trick ".......it doesnt work !
Then I hear the Magic White thing open ..... And Emo child is rattling the sausage box...I race off my bed and bound into the kitchen all happy and mad-waggy and I get a sausage..nom, nom..life does not get much better than this, firstly I have avoided a walk and secondly I get sausages...then I turn around to go back to bed and Drat !!!!! Ole bum face is stood in the kitchen doorway : coat on lead in hand, I HAVE BEEN TRICKED !!! I cant believe Shannon has taken part in such deceitful behaviour...Ole bum face thinks its really really funny ........
Pah...not happy..so she opens the front door...and I start playing statues and refusing to move...I had an hours walk on sunday...why do i need another one this month ?
Twiggs thinks I dont want to go coz its dark and oh ever so scarey outside...No I just dont want to..Im not being mardy here....but I'm not budging......
So anyway I am forced to go for a walk...so this is where I will be mardy..I go as fast as I can..I am not normally one to pull at all...but I just want it over and done with...so I go as fast as I can listening to bumface wheeze as she tries to keep up...then just as she has gotten into a good pace I stop dead to have a pretend sniff just to really annoy her..and then to annoy even more I wait until we get to the patch of grass by the busy road where there are always lots and lots of cars and spend 10 minutes pretending I am going to do a Nellie Doodle...then romp off again.
Then we are home , i am back in bed all snug and sleepy and bumface is bemoaning to Tbg about me...saying I ran the walk as I was scared of the dark... Tosh !!!!!

Thursday, 4 September 2008

Sausage Tree

We have a sausage producing tree in our garden ...its great !!

May i remind you once more that no matter what these guys who live with me say, I do not have OCD , I am however a creature of habit.
That is unlike TBG who has to check hes locked the back door at least 8 times before he goes out......
As I said I am a hound, a creature of habit..so I cant see what their problem is ?
At the end of the garden- I use the term garden loosly..as 2 strides and its all over for me..we do have two very large and over grown conifers at the bottom, and typical of a mid terrace all the gardens are side to side with low fences ( apart from ours which have been Nellified- to stop me vaulting over them ).
Next door but one is a rented house and although they are no bother ( apart from them playing the drums in their cellar which made the floor boards shake like billy-o- I scarpered unsure if it was an earthquake or Twiggs trying to do aerobics again, both of which are equally terrifying...
TBG soon put a stop to that......)
They do how ever seem to like animals as they have a dog that I have never seen, but boy have I heard it...all day long bark bark bark !!!! I suppose its understandible really as they have 4 adult cats and 12 kittens/young cats.
About 2 weeks ago while I was in the garden producing a mighty fine Nellie doodle I had this horrible feeling I wasnt alone....I looked up and CHRISTMAS !!!
7 pairs of young feline eyes sat on the fence watching me..well I ran up and down tried to break the fence down in my need to play with them..I showed my teeth, I barked till I was hoarse..What did they do ?
They all ran away apart from the Ginger one who ran up one of the conifers.
Ole bumface soon rushed out to see what all the fuss was about and as they had all done a runner by then, I looked like a loon dancing under the tree.
I was told off and made to go indoors to bed and was chastised for thinking the phantom squirrel was up the tree - now i know it wasnt him as hes gone on vacation for a wee while.
Now at every oppertunity I get i am straight up the garden standing guard under that tree waiting for that pesky cat to get tired and fall into my mouth.
Now yes I am aware thats its been 2 weeks and that he would have fallen out by now...but you never know...also one good thing as I am a hound and choose not to answer to my name unless there is food involved, they have taken to keeping bits of sausage in the magic white thing they call a fridge........So,
I run out side
I stand under the tree
I look either all sad and forlorn or have my space hopper ears on.
They call me in,
I ignore them
They call again
I ignore them again
( repeat by 10)
I hear the magic white thing open
I smell sausages
I then come in...............
I eat sausage

Sunday, 17 August 2008

Boingy-Boingy

Use the Foot pump you dozy old sold..your heart cannot take it...!

Like a scene out of Alien this Giant fat orange rabbitty looking thing is getting bigger and bigger...now I know my limits,,and I am NOT taking that on...I choose to stand back and observe ( well lets face it if Twiggs is going to be going bouncy bounce-bounce on it I am NOT going to be involved in any fall out when that thing goes " POP " )........ I stay under the table.....
Mr O goes first..... my goodness for a little fella, he bounces really really high...like a giant flea with orange hemmaroids...
Ellie-pup thinks its a giant bouncy ball and tries to chase/eat/ play with it
TBG and Mr O have a race on theirs..I am glad I am under the table ...thus meaning that other campers who are watching these fools cannot see me !!!!!
TBG is laughing so much he is forgetting to breathe and now sounds like Muttley......
Shandy Bandy - white emo child even cracks a smile when she has a go, then once she realises that no one on the camp site actually knows her and no one will ever know and wont ruin her street cred...theres no stopping her...shes like a ADHD child on blue smarties..trying to run Twiggs down ...mind you with her having Massive feet - she sounds like Pingu when she walks)...she has good leverage and boinnnngs really high......unlike Twiggs who looks like she is bouncing in a hole theres so much weight on top of the poor thing.................
When the children have finnished playing they put ours in the corner of the awning opposite where one of beds is.....then wonder why the hell I wont lay on my bed in the awning on my own.......would you with that grinning mennacingly at you ???????

Here we go again

I guess its time for us to go camping again...
How do know this ? I hear you ask.........
TBG has
been up and down the cellar stairs getting all the camping gear out, which is a bit of a give away...and its raining and it has been raining for ages and ages now........ i think we need an ark not a vw camper...................and ahhhhh yes and twiggs & Tbg have been having the normal pre holiday bickerings..which normally involve Tbg telling her she has to travell light and not to bring so much stuff...which brings the bum face on straight away and her telling him to get stuffed...and alsoTwiggs cleaning the house like mad so burgulars dont think shes a dirty little madam ...
I dont really have to prepare much...as my servants will make sure they have every thing to pamper me with..all I have to do is save my flatulence up to share with them in the camper on the 3 hour drive...NO PROBLEM !!!!!
And were off...I give them 10 miles before I share the first of many little Nellie Gifts with them...which they TOTALLY over re-act to.. rolling windows down making gagging sounds..honestly they are just so ungreatful at times........ I saved that just for them !

We arrive to wonderful sunshine ( which is very very unusual......) to which Mommies little albino EMO starts slapping on the factor 160 which is like tooth paste giving her this even weirder than normal look..like a giant piece of dairylee with attitude...I try not to be seen with it..but have no choice as we are bannished together to sit under an oak tree to watch the pantomime............TBG & twiggs putting up the awning..
Borring borring..Boo, Hiss...
they didnt argue once- ok maybe a few withering looks and sharp in takes of breath - although I gather from TBG choice of words and him getting redder and redder in the face that there were plenty of rocks underfoot making it hard to bash the tent pegs in....
Ha ha
The white Shiny one was made to get up off her sulky black clad bum and put her own tent up......if she hadnt had over plucked her eye brows to the point of extinction I think she would have raised them that much that TBG whould have threatened to shave them all off any way...............................................................
All that remains is for Twiggs to put the air bed up............ now should I tell her that I am lay on the bung and she can blow to kingdom come but it just aint gonna inflate... Or Not ?

Thursday, 24 July 2008

Nanny Cheese


Oh Nanny Cheese, how I love you so much, i know Nanny Cheese was a bit worried that I was a bit stand-offish with her, I wasnt really, I just had a wee bee in my doggy bonnet as I wasnt allowed on her squishy squashy sofas and had to make do with the hard cold floor.......
No amout of cheesy type bribery could make me happy until I had parked my hairy skinny bottom on those pink velour sofas......every time I went to her house ( oooopps, sorry bungalow-yeah the bungalow with an upstairs..hey I be a hound but I am not totally like stupid...its a house if it has stairs...........any way every time we went there every one would plonk their fat bums on the sofas and poor ole mesome would have to try and get comfy on the FLOOR !!!!.not fair.........
TBG has been getting the camper ready for Happy holidays with the O family, so he's been outside and ive been stuck inside sulking , pinning, moaning about this.............. So Nanny Cheese has ALLOWED ME ON THE SOFA................its only taken over a year, but I got there in the end..and the wait was well worth it, they are so comfy, not leather like ours, which I always much the merriment of others always manage to slide off or get myself scalded for messing the throws Twiggs neatly arranged on them ........ theres nothing like wrestling the throws and seeing if how many knots I can get in them before Twiggs gives me that Bum face looks !!!!
The sofa at Nanny Cheeses house is only a 2 seater and Shannons always sprawled on it so I have to try and push her off, or squeeze on to the arm chairs and make a big fuss about it, making out that its way way too small, huffing and puffing and doing the " how sad am I eye thing" until Nanny Cheese feels sorry for me and makes ole Emo face move her sulky butt and change places with me, so I can sprawl on the 2 seater.......................only 3 snags though..... Emo child then gives me her Moody eyebrow wiggle- "I'm really not happy with you face- which is nearly as bad as the bum face, & Nanny Cheese's chair looks dead snug as it has a leg rest thing that springs up, so i am going to have to hatch a plan how to comander that seat off her and lastly now I have my new sleeping place how can I train Nanny Cheese to bring me cheese and hand feed me while I rest, rather than have to drag my self into the kitchen and do the " Arnt i a good doggy, heres my paw thing ?"

Monday, 14 July 2008

Sleep walking sausage snaffler


I was doing what I do best...acting as a giant draught excluder, sprawled out along the dining room floor catching up on some z's...The next thing I know I am being yelled at in the " you've been a very very bad doggy sorta way"....... I nearly jumped outa my skin...!!!!!! What has I done now.. ?
Tbg says that I ate the sausages..( what sausages ?)
Tbg says that Twiggs had cooked them and left them on the side to cool so TBG & Shannon could have them cold the next day...bit silly leaving them on the side if you ask me, even if they were pushed right to back of the work surface..I am a canine Giraffe.I can reach where other pooches cannot- Disclaimer, I say I CAN reach, but choose not to as I am a good doggy and do not steal food..OK !!)
Any way TBG says that he heard a noise then it went quiet, then he heard a noise again...and he says he caught me up at the work surface with said banger in my chops , caught in the act of sausage snaffling.....he says that I hadnt eaten them all, but was in the process of slowly and quietly removing them one by one taking them into the dining room and Nom nom nomming them.... now I say If I was doing it I must have been so far into the land of nod...the aroma of cooling pigs lips & arses and offal must have triggered some thing in my subconcious...and I WAS DOING IT IN MY SLEEP........honest I wouldnt steal food , not when I can do the "sad hungry feed me im starving eye thing" also in my defense do you honestly think i could either be quite so sneaky or have enough restraint to take them one by one...No way ! If I was guilty I would have just gone the whole hog and and chobbled them all at once before I was stopped and risked leaving any in the dish...and probally would have broken the dish at the same time ( hey if you are gonna get yelled at you may as well give them a real valid excuse to send you to your bed ( punnishment- sent to my bed ???- oh yeah thats really really punnishment )
So do you believe me ? I was asleep...any way, given a choice- that is if I was awake at the time the crime as such took place: I wouldnt have eaten their sausages as they were Chilli sausages and I know what happens the next day when Ive had too much protein- and now I know what happens if I eat chillied foods- uh-huh...an urban curry, but a stingy Nellie doodle bottom and Twiggs doing a chicken dance while scooping it up ( heaving aplenty)..............................
I was asleep honest.....................

Monday, 30 June 2008

Cats NOM NOM NOM..........


Next doors cat is a pian in the Doggy butt !!!
It sits on the wall goading me, it constantly poops in the garden the moment my back is turned and it hulks its big fat furry body along the fence like some obese fat feline tight rope walker...........Then it waits until my hackles have risen and I charge into the garden barking until a) I'm hoarse or b) until I am yelled at then it runs off sniggering slyly the way cats do.
Well enough is enough.
The fat little freak didnt realise I was watching it recycling its Kitty Kat onto our yard when I bolted out side......
" Yeah-ha....!! " Direct hit .....teeth made contact with fatsos plump backside...furr makes a great sound when being yanked out.................. ( so does chunky-cat !)
Result !!!!!!
Cat minus fur and one of its lives, me all smug and happy, admitingly with vile fluffy kitty fur in between my teeth......................
Mind you the monster is still pooping the garden............. when I get hold of it next time it will be an involuntry bowl excavation !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Stair Gate

We have a baby stair gate in our house......this is to stop me from going up the stairs so they say..
Now why would I wish to break my legs going up those really really steep stairs ?
Reasons not to go up stairs !!!!
1) Shannon lives up there, with her loud music going thump thump thump ..... how would I sleep with that racket going on ?
2) Twiggs gets changed up stairs, now ive seen her in her under ware and its not really some thing I would like to view on a daily basis, gosh i'd never sleep with images like that in my head !
3) The bath room /toilet is up there and ive smelt what the TBG has delt.. enough said..
4) The kitchen is down here
5) food is down here
6) The t.v is down here
7) My bed/sofa are down here.
8) Next doors cat is in the garden ( sometimes) down here.
Reasons to Go up stairs
1) when twiggs brings them breckie in bed
2) The big bed up there......( mind you I'd have to scrap that idea as Twiggs sleeps like a star fish and I cant imagine i'd have too much room......
So thats one reason.........
So they may as well take the stair gate off as I have no desire to go up there really..mind its funny to watch twiggs struggle through it with the hoover, so may be they should leave it for now..........

Friday, 13 June 2008

I hate Balloons

Ha ha very funny : TBG had a birthday and Twiggs blew up the balloons, now bearing in mind I was brought up in kennels and not a childrens tea party : Hence I dont know what balloons are !!!!!!!
Oh yes its fun to wiggle these big brightly coloured orb things in my face and wind me up like a clock work mouse !!!!!
And you seem to think its funny to let me play with them and giggle your heads off wincing ,waiting for that almighty pop and watching me jump out of my bloomin skin...wondering what the blooming hell had just happened
" Oh my goodness my toy has just exploded !!!!" me thought...actually it was more like " WTF !!!!...run hide shake"
Ok you have had your fun...I gather you had fun by the fact TBG was on his knees howling with laughter and Twiggs had tears and snot running down her face and was doing the shoulders going up and down...Im laughing so hard Im forgetting to breath type laughter !!!
Remember revenge is sweet and I have all day to lay on my bed thinking about it.................

Tuesday, 3 June 2008

Sleep Over

Ellie-pup has come for a sleep over !!!! No one told me.... I think these folks were a bit worried how I would be as Ive not been that great lately ( been a bit shy )

Mr O's car pulled up and he got out and I was so excited as my bestest friend had come ( Ellie pup not Mr O...although he is pretty cool himself ! ) to play....

It was great to see her, she doesnt limp so much now since herlumpybumpyremoval op. She was looking good for someone of her years- Mrs O says Ellie pups not old..and we get told off if we call her old.... and Mrs O gives us THE LOOK which is a sterner version of THE BUMFACE.....
We had a great time : We walked Ellie up to the woods and all around them , where she jumped in the water and became SWAMPY DONKEY, I was lurred into the water, which only came up to my ankles..............which in Ellies case is nearly submerged due to her lack of stature.
We also took Ellie on her first train ride ( On a proper steam train -yawn, yawn)..she did well, I am so very glad she didnt hang out of the window like she does in the car !!!!!! ( or that Mr O didnt also)
We had a long long walk along the river, which was I note a grumpy 4 miles....... me and Ellie vote to stay at home next time...we will look after the house and keep the beds warm.
It was great to have a sleep over and see every one again...even if it was tiring..and Ellie pup got bitten by a beastie in the woods...and went All John Merrick for a couple of days....
Please come back soon, I miss you all x x x x x xx

Making Nom noms


We made some nom noms at home : much better than shop brought ones and much much more fun too !!!!!!!!
As soon as Twiggs open the packet I could smell something and had to bound into the kitchen to assist Shannon and Twiggs with the baking !!! You have to bear in mind the kitchen is long and narrow and theres not a great deal of room...but they soon moved up and made room for me.. must have been my cute appealing eyes, nothing at all to do with me nudging them at all ...!!!!!
It was great Shannon couldnt lick the bowl out..mind you given half the chance I think she would have " Done a Nellie" :i.e had a crafty lick when no one was looking !!!
There was flour every where and Shannon wery kindly let me stir the mix with my big sloppy tounge..and she let me lick the mix off her fingers ( ah-hem ...sorry about nibbling your fingers Shannon..but it was sooooooo nommy !) Shannon you rock !!!!!!! Even if Twiggs was being a grump muttering on about raw mix being bad for my belly- now thats just selfish, its fine for my belly thank you very much; its just not fine for you to be scooping up urban curry the next day ( urban curry so Mr O tells me is the same as a nellie Doodle or dog toffee, but runny....... the sort you see in the streets after you have slipped in it !!).
20 minutes of angony followed while the house was filled with the delicous aroma of doggy biscuits..... yes Twiggs I am aware that the oven is a hot-burny place but they are my cookis and if I want to stand in front of the door with my nose getting hotter pressing up against the glass..I will- well we dont want the phantom squirrel coming in and whisking them away while I am not looking !!!!!!
Then I had to wait while they cooled...ha ha ha very funny: they had made Nellie Doodle shaped ones too....I am not complaining..they are lovelly but Twiggs tells me they are to be rationed too...i will have to tell her to check the shelf life on them !!!!
Yum yum !

Friday, 30 May 2008

Happy Birthday !!!!!



Happy Birthday to me, happy Birthday to me....Happy Birthday to meeeeeeeeeeee......!!!
Hurrah its my birthday..well no its not really...I was born in May..but these fools dont know what date, so they have chosen the date when they first clapped eyes on my bootiful face to celebrate the day that the lord made this world a better place but gracing it with my presence !!!
The day started with lots of belly rubs and kisses..then a long long walk along the canal ( now hang on a mo, i thought the birthday girl should have chosen what she did on her birthday, and this birthday girl would have chosen to spend the day snuggled up on her big cosy bed after being given breakfast in said bed consisting of sausages and cheese and next doors cat !!)
But no those who hold the leash drag me out..At least the canal is great..lots of wild life to look at..lots of horrid.. Canadian geese to hiss and do the scary wing flappy thing at me -i was only looking at the baby iccle geesey thingys I wasnt going to eat one..honest.
Lots and lots of bargys boat things out which is annoying as you have to smile at them and wave and there were loads...Twiggs must have been exhausted by the end lifting those bingo wings waving like a fruitloop !!!!- even better when the lock broke and people were queuing up to get through to find out that the canal was then blocked by a falling tree..
Well we stopped at a quaint little coffee shop where I had my birthday pressie...very nice hand made doggy biscuit bone things, which were nice...TBG smoothered them in hot choclate froth- thankfully as they were so hard..I nearly broke my teeth..needed the moisture..I dont think they do doggy dentures.... They were nice...Then the rain started...oh joy not only a long walk, but a long walk home in the rain.... Boo-hoo !
The day before they had taken me on the steam train ( o.k it was a weekend birthday celebration..and I had some beer..nom nom nom some treats then slept all the way home..No i wasnt drunk like they were suggesting..I was snug, full belly ( beer and nom nom's) and the movement of the train lulled me into a snorring slumber..very nice..apart from the little tykes in the compartment behind me..noisy or what..I think all kids under the age of 6 should be made to wear gags and straight jackets in public......
When we got home they opened a bottle of pink champers ( no they are are not posh folks- it was a gift from Sam and Monty the hansome greyhound..and they had saved it for my birthday but didnt share it with me..greedy oinks !!!
And then I slept and slept and slept of course that was after I had beaten Murtle the turtle and Erwin the croc-o-gator up for forgetting my special day !!!!
Perfect...............

Sunday, 25 May 2008

How Much Longer ????

Ok, I love my humans very very much............but I also love to sleep- its what i do best , I think we have established this fact ok )
When these guys to work, I have a routine which involves making a nest in my bed and playing statues with myself ( Ok for all of you who never had a childhood- Bit like TBG who was born old and is getting mopre child like as he get on in years, or so Twiggs says so..anyway at childrens parties they play a game called Statues where you have to stop when the music stops and stay as still as a statue.well I play this but I have adapted it....ie theres no music and just me and I have to stay still all day................................... zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz school..
But Twiggs is so selfish..she has upset my Zen training by having nearly 4 weeks off work.
TBG said she had to have an operation.... well she dissapeared for a couple of hours and TBG came back and was pacing the floor ( which normally means she has gone shopping)..any way he brought her home all floppy and she just lay on the sofa saying ( opps sorry SLURRING) random odd things then falling asleep , mouth agape drool attatching her to the pillow- I get told off for pillow licking..actually watching her was like watching TBG coming back from the beer church, but minus the kebab.
I think TBG was supposed to be looking after her, but he just laughed and took photos of big floppy Twiggs when she was asleep..then he drank beer.Bad nursey TBG !!!!!
Anyway, she is off work and its upsetting my routine..wasnt to bad at first when she couldnt move about..but now it moves and I have to follow it in case it should fill my bowl while Im not looking..and I am tired..and it takes me for walks..fair enough not massive great big long walks..but walks when I should be alseep..and shes cunning she wont chase me with the collar like TBG and then let me off when I hide..she harnesses me up while I am asleep...not fair...
I love Twiggs, But I also love sleep.Twiggs I am sure your hurts are all mended now..please go back to work and give me back my routine x x x x x x x

Monday, 12 May 2008

Bath Time

They made me have a bath : does washing my lady bits in front of the telly while TBG is having tea not make me clean enough...NO so they say !!!!
I was lured under false pretences to Nanny Nels house, all excited and happy as nanny Nels proper name is Nanny Cheese as she has an endless supply of cheese and puts milk in my water to coax me to drink...
So I was all happy and waggy to see Nanny Cheese, when horrors I allowed in the bathroom ( which is down stairs as she lives in a bunaglow- which I think means all on one level, which is a bit stoopid as Nanny Cheese has bedrooms upstairs ????? TBG says its a Dorma Bungalow..I says its a house........
Never been in a bathroom before and to be honest, dont think I will be quite so keen in future either as I was sniffing the big white thing and TBG scoops me up and plonks me in it...puts loads of water on me shampoohey ( yes spelt right) bubbly stuff on me, makes me look like a poodle and then hoses me off.......they seem to think the whole thing is very funny giggling and tittering...well I wasnt laughing much..... Nor was nanny Cheese once they released me and I ran into her front room and belly wiped my sodden fur all over her best rug over and over again.
Nanny Cheese did give me lots of cheese as a reward for being such a brave doggy- Get real, its not as if I really had much say in the matter really was it ????
Any way TBG has brought me a paddling pool, which he very kindly blew up with his own lung power- without passing out-did go a bit puce though !
I think he's having a laugh, I will look at it, maybe even sniff at it when no one is around to accidently on purpose push me in , walk around it -taking a very very wide berth..but I will not go in it...if he thinks its so great why doesnt he sit in it........... May do a Big Nellie-Doodle in it when he's not looking just so he gets the hint !!!!

Wheres my Flake ?


TBG brought me my first ice-cream ( well Ellie-pup & Ollie are allowed them )
It was a seriously great nom nom............
Now the day before I will admit I had TBG go into town and buy me a tub of low fat ice cream and a paddling pool....... the ice cream was put in my bowl which was mighty good, but nowhere near as yummy as eating it from the cone...( think its all to do with being hand-fed)
I was very very dainty licking it nicely and nibbling at the cornet - bit bland would be nicer if cornets were bacon flavoured- but hey it was food and im not knocking that, just making an observation-
I didnt get the dreaded brain freeze that shannon moans about - see i dont chobble-
Nor however did I get a flake, any sauce or any of those sugary bits they put on............

Oliie :The super sausage snaffler

I met Ollie yesterday, he is a very happy 5 year old Lab.. ( think the folks he owns, should not allow him any more e-numbers, as I think he has AHD as he was a bit of a wriggler- a happy wriggly chap though)
Ollie had come along last year and won a competition for the quickest hound to snaffle sausages - good job i wasnt here last year-think I would have given him a serious run for his money-his prize for sausage snaffling was more sausages, to which he halved the record again when gobbling those...RESPECT TO OLLIE !!!!!! that is one amazing dog.
Ollie took his human into the Most appealing eyes round, think they must have gotten mixed up as Ollie took 2nd place ( think if they had wafted a plate of bangers in front of him, he would have looked most appealing and won...! )
Ollie also took his human into the sporting round, but Ollie couldnt keep still and had to leave the ring for a bit ( nothing to do with me whispering that there was a bloke giving free ice-creams to the first hound to leave the ring...honest !!!)
Ollie likes ice cream, looks like he likes it, dont think he actually tastes it by the way the little gannet wolfed it down..but respect to him again as he managed 2 whole ice creams and the half that shannon left .
Think he was disapointed that there were no sausages this year, not half as disapointed as me though.........................

Human Show


..
I Entered TBG into a human show.....( dont laugh, every one deserves a chance).
Forest Dog rescue were holding a Human show yesterday, and as the weather was just so beautiful, I decided to enter him, at least I think it was a human show as loads of canines had dragged the varied assortment of odd balls they owned out to enter ( now can i just say, that yes i am aware that it was hot yesterday, very hot but please please my canine readers, I know the humans you own come in all shapes and sizes and no one is perfect,( well looks at twiggs) but please, please make them cover up, it nearly put my off lunch seeing all those wibbily wobbly bits all hanging out on display, getting redder and redder in the hot sun ! )
I entered TBG in the sporting section.... i know its quite funny really, but give the guy a chance...he says he is sporty, that he used to play an odd game called Rugby ( ?) - an a long long time ago looking at him, anyway he says it involved chasing a ball around a field ( how sad and pathetic can you get, ball chasing - I so dont think so ??) Ive seen it on the telly- when twiggs is at work and TBG is supposed to be doing " stuff-around-the-house-type-things"..all it looks like is a massive punch up and how to get your nose broken and monkey ears reshaped like fat flat pancakes..oh yeah I forgot he does the old mountain biking thingy so i suppose he must be sort of sporty......
He was well behaved in the Judges ring and didnt doodle or bite anyone...
WOULD YOU BELIVE IT TBG CAME SECOND ?????????
Mind you in all fairness, I do think that I helped a lot as I kept giving the judge my really really sad please give the poor lad a chance look...then when he had to run to show how sporty he was I did the Greyhound touch all your paws together run to really make him gallop..
I am very very proud.
I did think about entering Twiggs in to the prettiest bitch section ( only because there wasnt a grumpy or biggest bum face one) but shes just getting over her operation and couldnt move about too much.so we left her sat in her chair under a tree like an old grannie.....

Wednesday, 7 May 2008

Learning to read

Oh no, oh, oh, no, yet again I find myself in the doghouse and ole bum face , giving me the " get on your bloomin bed and bloomin well bloomin bloomin stay there eyes eyes and big pinched lips....... and what have I done you may ask ? Oh yes just exactly what is it I am supposed to have done now ?... tell me is it such a crime to wish to better ones self / to wish to improve ones education, well I am telling you that it this house you would think it was a major crime.....

Ok now think back to the accident that I had with the present ...... similar sort of thing - remember if you would please, I dont have any fingers !!!!!!!!

Shannon had left a book on the ottomanwoodtypethingthatnoonesknowswhattocall, and the picture on the front looked ace, really really interesting, so I thought I would investigate and see if the were any more pictures inside.. couldnt see any piccies but lots and lots of big words, I got really really engrosed in this book- before you judge me, I mean it was interesting in an intullectual sort of way not a rip and tear way... OK !!!!
But oooo-oh i got absorbed buy this book and agian remember no fingers, my little nail must have caught one of the page whilst I was turning it and I accidently ripped it ( OH GOODNESS ME) so I tried the stickydown with my tounge thingy- which yes I will accept was very remiss of me after last time, but I was in a panic ( after all it was Shannons book and you know what they say - like mother like daughter, i didnt want a junior bumface looming over me also !!!! )
Yes yes ok so you can guess the rest, i accidently managed to rip the front cover and several pages off and then had to rip them into tiny tiny bits to try and eat the evidence- but i dont have much of an appetite for paper...so ha..ha ! brainwave Twiggs had brought a 3 pack of kitchen roll which she had put in the kitchen...maybe if I opened that and scattered that every where the teeth-in-the-book thing would go unoticed..Tried that...will admit the best fun I have had in yonks !!!!
Then I felt really really guilty and lay on bed ...tumming turning, -see I do know the difference between right and wrong -oh yes and also that accidents will happen..
Any how when Twiggs came home I barked and barked at her to try and distract her from the mess..........................didnt work.....................
Am currently lay on my bed deflecting evil death stares which keep coming way ( im not allowed to have my tea yet and i am hungry- next time I should remember to swallow the paper)

Wednesday, 30 April 2008

Chongy Bones

Ohhhhhhhh, I just love chongy bones ( ok to you who dont know what they are, they are strips of hide formed in to bone shapes, knots etc etc - ok its probally pig skin, who cares they are nom nom nom )
I get really excited when twiggs comes back from shopping on her day off laiden with carrier bags and have to promptly shove my snout into each bag as I know she will always buy me one on her day off.!
Some times she is cruel and pretends she hasnt brought me one and starts unloading the bags while I lay on the floor looking all sad and huffing out loud.
Then " Ta-da ! " she will pull one out of no where like a magician- Now i'd rather she was a magician and pulled a rabbit outta a hat for me, but beggars cant be choosers.
I am so over come- sorry just cant help it that i will knock her over in the attempt to Give Paw then promptly run off in the other room to show the front room what i have, then into the dining room , then into the kitchen so all rooms can see my lovelly new gift !!!!!
Then run around and around dancing with doggy happiness.
Now there is a knack to eating chongy bones, you have to lick them excessively to get them soggy so you can get a really good chomp going on, now the best thing ever to get your own back for all the times you have been told to " get outta da kitchen" is to get them really really soggy and whilst you look like you are having a really good nom nom session , you are really grinding the bone into the carpet , leaving a big wet slimy wet patch... which will take forever and a day to remove, that really annoys Twiggs.
Once you have chewed for a while you have to leave it in places where people will trip over it, or step on it in bare feet ( tut, tut, Shannon has to wear slippers, so should they ) to which they will exclaim something I cant understand, but im sure its flemmish for " Oh deary me I should really put slippers on and be more careful " sounds a bit like "ohforfourfootsnakenellie"
You can chew chunks of it off and then pretend you are choking on it, by coughing and retching like crazy that normally makes them panic big style, ( make sure they are in the same room as you otherwise its not quite so dramatic- even better wait until they are eating their tea) and then just as they are about to put their fingers in your mouth you gob it out like a big wet dead albino frog onto their bare feet.........
They come in all shapes, I quite the ring ones as I can run about like mad with it in my mouth like a giant hupla ring, and not worry about smacking on the door jam as I run about - nearly got whiplash last time...dont see the point in the boot shape ones..... thats just teaching bad habits.

Monday, 28 April 2008

Rynys campsite


I love camping ; Its Great, especially at Rynys camp site !
No chavy/pikey trouble makers are allowed, Mrs Rynys keeps a tight ship.
She is more of a womble than me, her camp site is spotless...There are bins every where, normal bins, recycling bins all sorts of bins, inluding the has-beens I go with.
Twiggs, Tbg , Mrs & Mr O ( the folks owned by Ellie-pup normally meet up and have a great time, especially when they sit up drinking and scoffing, playing Spot the Womble- which is a game to see how many times Mrs Rynys will empty the bins in an hour..the way you play it is to run up to the bin and noisly put something in it and then wait for her to come and empty it, as soon as she has done that you repeat several times...until the beer levels are well topped up and the you just daringly rattle the lid, run and hide wait for her to come to empty it, trying not to wet your self when you see the puzzled look on her face at seeing an empty bin..... childish yes, but TBG and Mr O think its really really funny.
Lots of people visit year after year as its so nice there, Jo-Jo doesnt come any more though- mind you Jo-jo was harmless enough, apart from his daily toilet habits, to which his owner would loudly shout " Jo-Jo time for job-job, come on Jo-Jo, job-job!, now by all means its good to train us hounds to have good toilet habits, but announcing it to all and sundry while they are having their morning brew and cornflakes is another thing !!!! - its a bit like TBG shouting across the campsite that twiggs has her " i cant pooh in a public place now Im egg-bound type thing & would she care to take a stick to the toilet with her !!"
Mr & Mrs O have the biggest pitch I have set eyes on, its bigger than our house !
Mind you it needs to be as Mrs O takes about 4 suitcases of stuff just for her ( no I am not jesting here)..Its massive, along with the camper van full ,of stuff too.... and Mr O's stuff ( and we know Mr O sleeps in the rudy-nudy- so its not jimmy jams he's bringing- like how hard is that ? freezing cold outside and him all naked under canvas....oh I forgot they bring fan heaters with them !!!..... wow ! ( Tbg is tight..he says Twiggs has to sleep in a sleeping bag this year as a quilt takes up too much room...the ole bum face had surfaced as she sleeps like a star fish and is very restricted in a sleeping bag and normally wakes up and the sleeping bag is upside down and she has a massive panic attack as she thinks she has gone blind as the hood is over her eyes, quite funny really.
Mr & Mrs O tell me that I am safe here and that The Phantom Squirrel wouldnt dare follow me here as A) He hasnt a welsh passport and B) Mr Rynys has been spotted hanging out of his bedroom window eliminating the local squirrel population with his big farmer type gun !!!!!
It is a working farm so there are lots of sheeps about, sheeps sure are odd, weird eyes, big hair..bit like a 70's pop star... we treat each other with rspect, and also because I have seen the size of their pimps, sorry I mean rams.they are big boys !!
Mr & Mrs Rynys have this 4 wheeler buggy thing they used to empty the bins in the bottom fields, its well cool and their mad collies ride rough shod on the back, me and Ellie pup want a go on the back, but we are scared of the collies ( well I am Ellie pups not scared of anything ), collies are mad, they have way too much bounce for me all they want to do is run and play and round the sheeps up,they exhaust me just watching them, Mrs Rynys had one once called I Bite, bit of an odd name for a dog I thought but thats what it said on its kennel and I wasnt going to argue.
Rhyns is great as its near to every where, you can drive into town or walk or catch the bus, the views from the campsite are fantastic,the facilities are great everyone is friendly and Mr & Mrs Rynys are really warm and welcoming....its the best,!!!!!

Sunday, 27 April 2008

Crufts


I went to Crufts recently, no I wasnt competing : Thats just unfair on the other dogs !!!!
It was one of my " Working Days" , I was there by invitation from The Retired Greyhound Trust, to show how lovelly, gentle, loving, loyal,lazy we all are and what good pets we make and how we adapt to life with you humans after years of being racing machines.
It was great every one wanted to just stroke us and love us and feed us doggy-woggy treats ( I dont care what name you want to give them as long as they end up in my bellykins ).
I met some hounds I had not met before...the bizzare Willow, who wasnt really Bizzare it was just that Willow would smile on demand...now I will admit Ihave been trying this but my top lip is just not strong enough and I end up looking like ive a hare-lip.
Mind you Twiggs has taught me how to Give Paw recently, so I am not stupid, actaully no I am not as I picked it up by the second go, but didnt let onto Twiggs, just let her keep.."training me.with dog treats...ha ha ha !!!!
I have never seen such an odd assortment of people. Now I though that the canine world had some funny looking varieties of the spiecies, but honestly that motley lot at crufts really took the biscuit !!!!!!.
Honest some were out and out FROOTLOOPS and shouldnt have been allowed out ( especially not on their own )
Shannon dressed up as a giant greyhound called Homer and walked around the arena ( after Mrs Tina was in danger of over heating) trying to raise funds for the RGT...but people were soo stingy and shannon even danced too !!!! ( and the giant dog head messed her emo/goth/scene type hair up.that should have been worth at least £100)
One stall holder very kindly donated two bags of his yummy hand made liver brownies and gourmet dog treats for the kennel hounds......very very kind but incidently, I didnt even get a sniff of them let alone a lick.................
Crufts was great, but also very very tiring; its hard work being worshiped all day, it interfered with my nap pattern and I was exhausted for days afterwards !

Dog Toffee


Do you know what Dog Toffee is ? You should, I do.
Mine can vary depending on what cack I have eaten, if I overdose on sardines or Twiggs gives me too much broccoli or veggies, it can be rather unpleasant...( thats when TBG leaves it in the garden to " Form A Skin" in the vain hope Twiggs will do the honours !!!)
Some times if I am feeling rather generous I will leave them a double bagger helping of Nellie Doodle Dog Toffee ( Ie too much to fit in one bag so they have to go back in the house and get another bag.....) Or if I am out walking I will pretent I want to just to wind them up.
Now I think people who dont pick up any Toffee that the dog they are with should drop are BAAAAAAD !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
If caught they should be made to pick it up with bare hands ( and any other toffee with-in a 1 mile radius weither or not it has been manufactured by thier dog or not).
That should soon make it habit forming for them to clear up.
The amount of times a hound has pooped out side our front gate ( Now this normally starts in late Sept when the nights start drawing in and dog walkers think they can get away with it as its dark) any way one of these Bozo's who lives with me normally doesnt spot it and ends up smearing through the down stairs until..its quickly smelt and noticed & made Twiggs vomit and make up new curse wwords while she is cleaning it up.
Even my special place in the park - where I am allowed to run free-is not sacred, its like an explosion in a toffee factory some days.
Do they have lolly sticks for dogs to allow us to scrape the offending cac-cac out of our paws ? - No....How am I supposed to wipe my paws ? What if i was to skid when mid-mad pelt round the field moment-and fall in it ??????? OMG !!!!! I know some hounds like to purposedly roll in sheep do-do, but imagine the horror of having to walk home from the park covered in recycled dog chow ?????

Friday, 25 April 2008

Nellie- cat

Although from my point of view I am a hound, through and through, those clowns that I live with are convince I am some sort of genetic mutant greyhound feline hybrid.
They are convinced that I am part feline for several unfounded reasons :

1) I love sardines & fish ( and TBG doesnt like a bit of battered cod with his chips ?)
2) I like to sit on your lap, ok I dont exactly sit on your lap as such as I am too big for that-apart from Twiggs who due to the size of her thunderous thighs has a huge lap. When I am lying on the sofa I use who ever is sat next to me as a giant Nellie cushion,as its not exactlly a big squishy squashy sofa.
3) I purr- well excuse me, I do not purr its a Nellie snore- and yes I do it with or with out my eyes closed, its due to the length of my neck & muzzle and having such a huge tounge..thank you very much, so it most certainly is not a Purr, yup its a Nellie snore and any one who says other wise will be sued for slander.
4) Snoozing in the sunshine- look I have no fat, I am like a giant reptile I store the heat that I absorb for when tightwad TBG turns the central heating off- that is until Twiggs notices and puts it back on.
5) I arch my back like a kitty when I am having a stretch, well blow me down...I am like 15 foot long you know, if I could get my legs above my head I would strech like tbg...although I would refrain from the acompanying scratching of the man bits !
6) I am very undemanding like a cat, i am not in your face, fuss me fuss me all the time, If I wish to be fussed I will allow you to do so and if I dont I will ignore you and walk away.
Ok I dont bury my Nellie Doodles, my tounge is not all dry and raspy, I dont find balls of string all that enertaining,I dont walk around showing my brown eye off, I dont go mew mew mew, I go WOOFETY WOOF WOOF !
I AM NOT A CAT, every thing is just conincidental !!!!!!!!

Monday, 21 April 2008

TBG Is A Spotter......

It is a well known fact that if Twiggs didnt work on the railway we would have never met.
Ok, well Twiggs works on the Railway, if you didnt know her and asked what she did for a living, she would probally lie as people think she's a spotter, ( past occupations she has pretended to have are bin man, sewer unblocker, enemema giver, boil lancer)........... In fact I know that TBG only married her so he could get a free train pass- although when Twiggs is around he will say that it was her beauty and charm that did it, I know it was free choo-choo travel.
The main reason she doesnt tell people is that they start ringing her at home or texting her like she is National Rail enquires.and she looks a bit odd, with out confirming that is a bit weird selling tickets all day- like when she comes home from work after a busy or hard one, TBG has often remarked , " Well how hard can it be selling train Tickets all day ?" , yes he does get the bum face look in return & a dead leg
Now on a sat night Twiggs & TBG get the DMU ( I know what this means, cos I is clever) to Bridgenorth , which means picnic and beer on the chuffer as theres a bar on the train .. I think this is the only reason Twiggs goes on it as normally TBG gets the bumface when he drags Twiggs on it and Twiggs tends to inform him that he is NOT Fred Dibnah and she doesnt believe all this nonsense he gives about the
mechanics etc etc that it is beacause he is the SPOTTER... and a big kid still..................
Anyway as I have mentioned before it was at Bridgenorth they saw the poster about the Greyhound meet & greet and ended up with my wonderful self.
They take me on the train and its great now services are up and running again, although they have to pay for me ( and I am not allowed on the seats.......grrrrrrrrr !) although I did try once and got told off made to lie on the floor- which actually wasnt too bad.
TBG took me to Worcester on a normal train the other day, which was ok, not as nice though as we didnt have our own compartment, and there were loads of noisy teenagers -who all looked the same-making loads of noise and grannies with their millions of shopping bags which I wasnt allowed to have a sniff in as TBG had me on The Short Lead ( he makes the lead like 2cm long so I cant scour the floor for offerings or make a nuisance of myself).
I saw Twiggs at work..it was really funny, people ask the for oddest things like "AHalfSingleReturn."which Twiggs says means One adult and one child day return to brum please.........................................................Or "Wotplatformfordroitwich" which means "Please could you tell me which platform I need to go to in order to catch the next service to droitwich please"
Strange lanuage.............................
Trains are ok, normally there are people on trains which means either food or fuss & attention, which cant be bad

Sunday, 20 April 2008

I is a HOUND...................

Ok lets get this straight,
I am a dog, a canine, a hound , I go woof woof....
Then why do you call every thing else but ?
I am not........
A womble...... ( yes, I agree the noses are the same and yes I scan the floor for lost items & rubbish - admitingly only food items or things that may look edible)
A sloath.............. They dont sleep as much as me & are far more active
Emu......not the real big bird type, but that rather annoying puppety thing that used to live on Rod Hull's arm...... Ok when I am lay on you on the sofa and you stop stroking me, yes I may look up at you and try and ponk you in the face with my snozzle to get your attention...but I DONT HAVE FEATHERS.
A pig............... Im not pink, I dont smell...( well we all have accidents from time to time) and I dont go oink oink...I go Woff, Woof
A dinosaur: .....Yes I may lie still for long periods of time, but it doesnt mean that I am extinct or expired
A Contrary little madam ......dunno what that means.....but I dont do gardening and my name is not Mary ???????
A Pooh Monster : you put the food in my belly, I just recycle it...if you cant handle it change my diet..................
Dandy Daddy long legs : 10 outa 10 for observations on the ole long legs thing, its not as if you could miss em really, but im certainly no dandy ( have you actually sean where I live...ah-em..) And im not a boy so I cant be a daddy -
Emo Dog : Ok lets get this straight , I am not Emo at all, I cant help having a long face.....( weve had this conversation before) also i am not a hormonal, moody-nobody-loves-me teenagers, anyway every one loves me cos I am lovelly, I may turn my back on you , this is because I am tired and want to sleep and dont want you yacking and disturbing me.

Thursday, 17 April 2008

Why ?


Why oh why please explain to me am I awoken every night from my cosy nest upon the sofa, to go to bed ?????????
Why not leave me where I am, I am asleep and not likely to awken until the next morning when my empty tells me that one of those lazy folks upstairs need to fill my bowl/tummy !!!
Why do they try to make me go out for a walk when its really rather obvious that I would rather not ?
Why is it when I want to go out, i cant ? like when I know they are going out for the night - I know I am not allowed cos Twiggs looks half decent, which means its not the normal trip to the beer church, mind you if they are going out for a meal, TBG will come and fetch me after they have eaten - but do they save me anyting-niope !!) If they are going shopping... I will bark and do the run-round-in circles-thing ( normally TBG gives in and takes me, which means he doesnt have to go into the boring shops with Twiggs..tee-hee)
Why is it every time I have an itch, TBG will shreek FLEAS !!!!!!!! when was she last done ????
Why is it I am only allowed on one sofa - and why do I adhere to this ?
Why am I not allowed chocolate , when Shannon still has a glut left over from easter going begging ?
Why is it next doors cat sits on the fence and torments me and poops in my garden when I am not here / -One day I am going to break into his garden and do the biggest stinkiest nellie-doodle outside his back door, see how his owners like it - see how I said his owners and not the people he owns...cats are stooopid)
Why cant I have steak for tea ?
Why do I have so many questions ?
Its because I am such a clever dog and I am like TBG, just beacuse my eyes are closed it doesnt mean I am alseep, I am pondering questions about life etc.............

pilates

I was born to
A) Sleep
B) Eat
c) Be loved
D) Stretch

I love to stretch, I am a contortionist............. I love to stetch, with my back side in air ( usually pointing in TBG's Face with him saying " Nellie, do you mind ?"- no I dont actually thats why I am doing it )
Some times like people do at yoga classes, I a may accidently stretch too much and "foof !" out one will slip, And I wasnt expecting it too !
Which normally results in me looking perplexed as to where the hell did that noise come from, then looking at TBG as to say and where the heck did that smell come from ???????
I love to yawn too, I will yawn any where even when I am not tired ( yes this is possible you Know)...I even yawn when out walking, stutting down the street then yawny-yawn-yawn...... luckily I havent managed to swallow any flies yet ( unlike one unlucky person whizzing about in the forest on her bike -zonk.....big black fly-right to back of the throat.....gag, gag, gag !!)
Some time I will even wake up to yawn and if I am really lucky I will yawn whilst mid stetch...