Wednesday, 31 December 2008
So we have the Dragon staying..all can't be too bad Tbg and twiggs are still speaking and the dragon hasn't been banished or gaffer taped up and bunged in the cellar yet...
The Dragon is only a teeny tiny person well under a foot shorter than twiggs and half Tbg size..... but goodness me what a lot of noise for one small person ( ah-hem yes if I choose to break wind and share it with you.....I don't care, I really have no shame....and if you are really lucky i will do the stretchy point head down tail and bum in the air...Aim & take fire thing...............I dont care...And If it burns your eyes and makes you gag...shame...you shouldn't have given me the sprouts in the first place) But I WILL NOT TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR OTHER PEOPLE GAS EMISSIONS EVER !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And she snores......takes up the whole sofa so I am squished in between Twiggs & Tbg...while she is sprawled on the other Braying like a donkey in her sleep keeping me awake..........................
Anyway twiggs had the delight of sleeping with her ( I don't think The Dragon liked Twiggs shouting "Quick burglars...Hide !! " and shoving her head under the quilt...when there was a smelly pocket of air waiting for her under the quilt cover)
I get to sleep downstairs with TBG................ I did originally think hurrah cuddles all night...not realising he would be sleeping on a single camp bed with no room for me and watching saddo Telly ( you know...Mythbusters..- yawn-.Water ways...-yawn-.how its made..-yawn-.sad railway programs...all the stuff Twiggs huffs at and makes him change channels......but most of the night he had the telly on keeping me awake......................
So I waited till about 4am when he had drifted off into the land of nod ...deep into the land of dribble on your chin...and pretended I wanted to go out for a wee-wee...............
Then hey as he was awake I thought he may as well fed me my breckie now.......
He wouldn't feed me
I tried the low pitched whine..............
I tried the jumping on him thing...........
I tried dancing about the room...
After half an hour
Just before I wound myself up into a big big barking frenzy
he mutters something
i have breckie early........
When twiggs gets up though I get the old bumface looks all day as TBG keeps moaning about The Bloody Dog keeping him up all night..............
Actually I think TBG i only kept you awake for 35 minutes.......you kept me awake longer watching stoooopid oldmens telly
Tuesday, 23 December 2008
Har har Christmas is but 2 days away...TBG keeps shaking his head and muttering things a little dog should not hear under his breath.....
I think the reason is because Twiggs has invited her mommy over for christmas...I dunno what her name is Twiggs calls her mommy, Albino emo calls her Nanny..TBG calls her The Dragon...so I am thinking her name is dragon.
I dont think TBG is going to collect her, from what he says I think she is flying here on her broomstick...I wonder how she will manage all pressies riding high on a besum ????
The good thing is Twiggs has to sleep with her due to the lack of bed and I get to sleep with TBG down stairs.HURRAAHHHHHH..........!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am soo looking forwards to christmas now.....
I wish The Dragon could come to live here so i can snuggle with TBG every night...Dont think he'd like that very much though..( not the snuggley bit the
dragon living with us........
Remeber Tbg a dragon is for life and not just for christmas................
Now now I know its the time of giving and who nicer to give to than me ?
I will really really adore and love you if you should wish to bestow gifts of edible nom-noms upon me and maybe the odd...squeeky toy that I can throw about and ravish.....
But beware................ I may look like I have been dropped from a great height and splatted on the floor..as dead as dean could ever be.....how ever I am watching you always..admittingly with one eye closed...( I can see you wrapping that doggy toy- no matter that you profess its a gift for some ones baby...I know, I know..))
I also have x-ray vision and will know which is my gift no matter how carefully you wrap and disguise it...its canine intuition......
Also when someone gave Twiggs a dog bone shaped pressie and she snook it to the behind the tree.I knew it was ment for me......
I waited, and waited ( until the two legged one had left the room, that is)
And again there I was having a snifty around the tree, just checking the phantom squirrel hadnt snook in the house and was hiding so he could let his mates in when we wernt looking and pinch all the alinbo emos stuff....see how nice I am looking after the silent ones interests !!!!!
Any way a branch flicked me in the eye and whilst I shaking my head to clear my vision - genetics wont allow me to rub my eye with my paw - the bone shaped gift fell into my mouth- yes you heard me IT FELL- and in the process of shaking my head it unwrapped.......now we have been here before and the only thing I could think to do was to destroy the evidence...sadly though wrapping paper and selotape is too chewy to swallow...
TBG caught me and I gave him the ole sad....it wasnt me...I did it accidently on purpose look....( and cowered..not that i have a need to cower..but he's a sucker and it works every time and all was well... x
I will apologise to the red suited one and if he should wish the saddle up the ole reindeers and head to my house I promise i wont open any more gift early ever ever again..unless its an accident.......
Talking of accidents...Twiggs I am ever so sorry about about killing that teddy with the santa hat on...he jumped off the side and was trying to pull my teeth out with his little furry paws when you walked in the room ..we were wrestling....what else could I do ?
Monday, 15 December 2008
Ah-hem...when I am lay on back....giving it my all...legs a flapping..this means I need my belly rubbed...not just a quick pat...Im talking a serious no less than 10 minute belly-full-on attention..... If however during this time I start to cough and splutter...this means..
I am in danger of swallowing my tounge as I forgotten to loll it out and stick it to the carpet.
I am also aware of two things...
1) Do I get up and to uncurl my tounge from my tonsils..to avaoid choking to death ?
2)Do I just lay there in obvillion..in tummy heaven...choking ?
Ok so the answer is normally 2
So in case this senario should happen again please do the following
1) Stop stoking ( we can always carry on where we left off later
2) Make me stand up ( Even if you have to pick me up -or bribe with a sausage....actually just bribe me - I have no pride)
3) Pat my back - remember I said pat not whack or thump
4) Failing that put your fingers in mouth and uncurl my tounge....now the best method is to make sure you have a large block of cheese between your fingers..this will entice the tounge back up.........
Under no circumstances must you laugh or imply that I am a retard.....this will result me being very unhappy and disturbed...so distubed in fact I will lose control of my bladder by the back door while you are asleep..............
Oh yes, oh yes...the front door has closed and were off...off in the direction of the park ( well thats where I am going twiggs may chooes to follow if she wishes......
Oh lovelly the enclosure is deserted..so Twiggs doesnt have to wait for it to empty, politely refusing to go in when other dogs are running about...even though the owners of said running about dogs are inviting her in so I can play with their dogs......... Twiggs just tells them that I am a shy dog....( more like a rabid biting running machine and Twiggs doesnt want me to flatten and bowl any other small breeds over- I say bring it on...the vets is only around the corner...but no I am like Forrest Gump...A Lone Runner......
Anyhooo we are off....of course I have to spend the first 10 minutes having a meander and a sniff and 60 wee-wee's............then again as mentioned before I have to go up the far corner...furthest away from Twiggs and do a big big two-bagger Nellie doodle ( this way Twiggs has to run like Billy-o to pick it up before I run back through it whilst looping the loop)
1,2 anddddddddddddddd 3 i'm off wind whistling through my ears......"Oh NOOOOOOOO
Slippppppppppp I cant stop: Im cornering and ive banked over too far and slipped in the mud and im still sliding...and I'm upright and not lost my stride and its back around the ciruit again and its " oh no "i forgot about that patch of mud I have just slipped in and i'm over again....
Now im stood by the bottom gate : i want to go home now...I wasnt built for mud wrestling...
Twiggs is not laughing like I thought she would be ..seeing as I have just fallen over in the dirt......( i think she was worried I may have hurt myself)
But she did ring TBG on the way home and much to my embarassment she told him and them she laughed...........
She wasnt laughing went she got home and saw how dirty I was...( after I tried to wipe the mud off on the rug)
So she washed me and hugged me and gave me traets as I was a wounded( well my pride was-
Down side is Im not allowed off the lead over the park until the mud dries up......
Sunday, 14 December 2008
Forget GMT in this house we have Nellie time : Every thing is done by Nellie Time..I say when din-dins time is..If I decide I would like my dinner time to be brought forward to 3pm instead of 5pm ...Thats Nellie time and will involve me shadowing you..trying to trip you up..annoying you in every way I possibily can from jumping on you and slurping your face to looking all sad and pathetic and becomeing a large wiggliy trip hazzard..down to just barking at you...to which the response is " Nellie , you are TWIRLY...!!!- its no where near dinner/ breakfast/sausage/milko time "
TWIRLY ? TWIRLY...what is Twirly when it comes to Nellie time...All I know is it envolves a long wait normally..........................................................
Friday, 12 December 2008
"Twiggs, twiggs..me and the albino emo went for a walk up Clent and saw people flying kites and Nellie was really interested and had her space hopper head on...! "enthused TBG when twiggs got home from work...( remember what I said about the greyhound pretend death radar laser ear thing...well thats what was going on...I WAS TRYING TO KILL THE FLYING BIT O CLOTH BEFORE IT FELL ON ME..at NO point was I looking enthusiastic..or like I wanted one )
So thus the week went on with him doing the blokey I want one, I want one thing....
Oh joy oh joy oh joy...He got one...lucky ole me.....I know it means yet another sunday walk ( whopppie-do -dah) which means Bloomin Clent, which means as soon as I am yanked outta my warm comfy spot in the VW van ( oh yes I now have a soft bed in there thanks to Twiggs being a soft touch) its up hill straight away no warm up...no gentle meander..just calf hurty walking way, listening to Twiggs puff and watching the albino emo actually go another colour other than white or transparent...( bright red)
We find the spot and yes he of engineering background has to do it all correctly..no faffing.....all precise,,,( fred Dibnah has a lot to answer for)...anyhoooo Emo pants is first..Its FREEZING cold and windy too...as it was a cheapo kite it kept nose diving in my direction..I had visions of going to the doggy doctor to to have bits of cloth removed from where it had been impailed in my skull........ Twiggs had to keep walking me round as it was sooooooooooo cold.. ( But the albino emo actually SMILED and I think I heard it laugh....mind you that could have been wind ???)
Then TBG has a go and it all gets really serious..he is actually quite good then again he does have the arm span of a gibbon....the Twiggs says..." Ooohhh look over there its gone awfully dark.." to which we all look and see hell descending in on us in the form of a storm....TBG rolled that kite up quicker than ive seen him eat a super sour bag of pick a mix from Woolies and we legged it...then came the rain and more and more...we were drenched...the the Albino Fell over big style how she didnt slide bum first to bottom of the hill I will never know...her mom was very supportive and laughed like a braying donkey on double expresso..........
I was wet and misreable and it was past dinner time and then as the camper van steamed up we had tpdrive home with the windows down.Brrrrrrrrrrrr......
The kite has not been seen since, but however Twigg's new dusters look mighty familar.
"Oh look its all white and frosty out side..... ooh its all crispy and white..............." Really are not words that inspire me to rouse my furry back side off my big warm snuggilly bed and go for a long long romp ..
Its a shame that TBG cant see that I am laying in bed pretending to be dead FOR A REASON while they all zip and boot up....and its not until my bed ( with little ole mesome)is dragged in to the middle of the room and pulled rudely from underneath me and I am collared up as I fall from my bed ..that I accept grudingly that my fate is a really long walk in the really really cold...
Great they have hats on, they have gloves on, they have scarves on..( ok apart from the Albino emo one...coz its really like uncool and someone see knows may see her and think she really like ummmm un- cool ( actually she's really cool...cool to the point of freezing)..I have my coat on..no hat no gloves, no scarf...Twiggs used to put a scarf on me but TBG wasnt to keen......what about leg warmers ?..have you seen the length of my legs ?...Actually I would like a giant nellie snuggy romper suit..but like a giant electric blankie........oh lovelly..........( not a knitted one though..have you seen wool when its wet ???? a bit of drizzle, my body weight would quadruple and i'd never get home..plus Twiggs would probally vomit..( she has this squeeky wet wool phobia thing going on)
Anyway off we go...im lagging behind with the Albino emo who really doesnt want to be out walking any more than I do.........
Its not too bad once we get to the woods its really rather plesant really...I have to time having a nellie-doodle just right..not too far from the entrance so when I have to do a Urban curry they still have to pick it up but just that too far from the litter bins so they either have to walk back to it or carry it around with them.... At this point I choose NOT to walk with the Albino emo one as with the size of her feet and the fact she is always dragging them she has a tendancy to fall over a lot..and as there is mud and some parts are slippy I walk with TBG..as I dont want her to slip over and land on me or Twiggs to wee on me with her week middle age womans bladder when she is laughing at Albino emo for falling over...TBG is the safest bet by far.
So ok I will admit the walky-walk-walk bit around the woods is good as there are squirrels ( real visable ones, which are distant cousins to the phantom one that lives with us and humans cant see)... I am not allowed to chase them..so I do the greyhound space hopper radar ear killer thing..where I pretend my ears are radars which emit a death beam..to anhillate all squirrels... !!!!!!
I just hate the thought of going out ( unless i know they are going to town or to those horrible places where hounds are not allowed in ..then I demand to be taken..ha ha) I am not agraphobic at all... I is just a hound......
Sunday, 2 November 2008
I love it with a passion and loathe it with equal passion...
I love it Because.......
Its dark and rainy and cold out there which now means its not a battle of wills between TBG and myself to get me out of the door for walkies...as he is more reluctant than me to go out in it...and the first sign of me bolting to hide on my bed has him proclaiming to Twiggs..." ah look Its .....................too ,cold/wet/windy/dark/frosty/icy/snowy/fireworky out there & its not fair to drag the poor dog out....ha ha ha ha ha...... which means result...I get to stay in and he gets to sit on the sofa watching yet more Only fools and Horses re-runs of re-runs....its just twiggs I have to be careful of as when she has her bum face on.........and ear-phones on I know theres no way out...and I will have her pulling on the lead and her barking to TBG to push my bum to get me out of the house.......
Some days I would so love to bite her.......
I love leaves...big piles of leaves I like to walk through them...jump on them in case theres a phantom squirrel hiding inside them........... Twiggs used to love to run through them kicking them up in the air....but now shes old and grumpy she worries however about kicking hidden Dog Toffee in the air..................
I love Halloween....I love sweets...I love Jelly Teddies...which just happen to be TBG's favourite also...not too keen on the super sour sweets..or fizz bombs...not since The Albino emo dropped one ( Now I am suprised it didnt get stuck in the back of her hair as it hit her on the back of the head......) and I beat her to it in picking it up off the floor .....................................................mind you I think the spiteful moo took her time and let me pick it up..on purpose to just to see me try and swallow my own snout......and wipe my tounge on the carpet and get carpet burns from trying to wipe the nastiness off......
I also like the darker nights as it helps me sleep as its bed time for at least 23 hours a day now : Great stuff
I hate this time of year because.....................
Nasty horrible fireworks...I believe Bonfire night is 5th November...not every single night from 1st October till the clocks go forward...They make me jump.... they scare me...... They make me nervy...I have a bed made for me under the table in dining room so I can feel all snug and secure ( you know like a mini-anderson shelter !!!!)
Just as I am drifting of to sleep...BANG, BANG
Trick or treaters...oh yes...banging on the door all night despite Grumpy TBG putting a "bugger off and buy yer own sweeties sign in the window"
How dare they interupt what little sleep I am getting at the moment...then scaring the bayjaysus outta me...all dressed up like mini gouls etc.....I rush to the door to greet who ever has come to visit me and AGGGGHHHHHHH...gets me every time...I really dont know how my heart survives this time of year at all.........................
Then theres TBG calling me in to the kitchen to offer me some sweeties....how my heart swelled for love for that guy...buying me sweeties.......................
until I realised just a fraction too late he has brought me & fed me SPACE DUST..or popping candy..my mouth was crackling and popping I though my ears were going to pop off.........It was like haing a mini fireworks display in my mouth......................... I am so glad that he found it so funny...so Funny in fact twiggs had to slap him on the back after he started to sound like Mutley and then brought on a laughing enduced coughing fit and couldnt breathe...shame she slapped him so hard....
Next time he leaves the jelly teddies un -guarded I shall not eat them or gobble them down...I shall one by one take each one outta the packet and lick it before replacing it back in the packet.
Wednesday, 15 October 2008
Tuesday, 14 October 2008
Thursday, 9 October 2008
Wednesday, 8 October 2008
2) Always hungry
3) A cuddle monster
4) A hunter and killer of furry teddies ( especially those with annoying squeeky innards)
5) Deaf, well selective hearing anyway
6) A trip hazzard
The list could go on and on, however there is one thing I am not and thats " STOOOOOOPID"
I fully understand the working of reverse psychology and I am more than aware when these folks in my house use it on me........
For example Twiggs is in the kitchen and contrary to what she says she is not chained to the sink, and she says " Nellie, get out the kitchen "
I know this means " Nellie stay in the kitchen and I will give you something yummy in a moment "
She says " Nellie get your nose off the oven door, you will burn your nose ! " I know this means,
" When you yelp in pain I will give you something yummy to take the hurty away "
She says " Nellie get out from under my feet or I will end up dropping this item I am holding on the floor"
I know she means " opps-a daisy...I seem to accidently on purpose dropped that, ah well Nellie you may as well have it now ! "
So you see when Twiggs says " ohforfourfootsnake get outta da kitchen you bloodydog !!! "
I know she really means , " Nellie you know how much I love you and dont mind tripping over you, you stay right there and something yummy will come your way !!!!!
See I'm not stupid after all.........
Wednesday, 17 September 2008
Then Tbg will come and take up more of my room and normally one of them will end up breaking wind and then blaming it on me......( as if )
Then one of them will snore...Twiggs does this weird breathing in and not exhailling thing..I wait with bated breath to see if she gonna breathe out or if shes dead....TBG just sounds like Mutley.
Then theres the starfish thing that Twiggs does - she says its due to siatica- I say its due to too many pies and chunky thighs, which ends up with me squished up by the steering wheel...and pardon me if i dare step outside of the 5 inches I am allocated, they fidget, grunt and smell.
2 whole nights I had to endure this, 2 whole nights : then we had the mother of all thunder storms and Albino Big brave " i like all things dark & scarey" Emo child didnt want to sleep on her own in her tent and Twiggs who really really hates storms volunteered to stay in tent with said emo...and ended up in there for the rest of the holiday.........partly as on that first night we had 6 storms one after the other and it didnt get much better after that......IT WAS FANTASTIC......... me and TBG camping out together..or more importantly me taking up twiggs side of the camper...ha ha ha, and I think TBG enjoyed sleeping with me more and I dont snore or smell as bad as Twiggs or hog the quilt ( much ! ).
Then twiggs is normally awake early due to having a weak bladder and a hike to the toilet block..and she would come and sit in the awning waiting for me and TBG to wake up...ha ha sucker...we'd leave her out there for an hour looking all sad and moonfaced...while we pretended to be alseep all snug....... well she chose to sleep in the tent..The camper is mine all mine......
Tuesday, 16 September 2008
Some people are so funny....... for the record let it be said " I am not scared of the dark !"
I am very much unlike the Albino-Emo-scene-goth -moody teen that lives in this house..who is scared of the toilet / under-the-bed-/hiding on the landing/sitting in the wardrobe monster and has to leave all the lights blaring in case said monster should jump out and actually make it smile !!!
What I am scared of is being Hood-winked like I was last night....
Twiggs dared to dangle the lead in my face...well I was comfy all snug on my duvet and to be honest I was really tired as I had just spent 10 minutes beating the bejayus out of Tony the tiger ( my newly aquired hunting aide...ok its a teddy..but its a dead teddy now)
Any way I am nearly in the land of twitchy paws..and dangle dangle plop my lead is swaying in front of my eyes...what is the woman doing trying to hypnotise me ?
No way hose am I moving so I hide my face in my bed..trying the ole-" I cant see you so you are not there trick ".......it doesnt work !
Then I hear the Magic White thing open ..... And Emo child is rattling the sausage box...I race off my bed and bound into the kitchen all happy and mad-waggy and I get a sausage..nom, nom..life does not get much better than this, firstly I have avoided a walk and secondly I get sausages...then I turn around to go back to bed and Drat !!!!! Ole bum face is stood in the kitchen doorway : coat on lead in hand, I HAVE BEEN TRICKED !!! I cant believe Shannon has taken part in such deceitful behaviour...Ole bum face thinks its really really funny ........
Pah...not happy..so she opens the front door...and I start playing statues and refusing to move...I had an hours walk on sunday...why do i need another one this month ?
Twiggs thinks I dont want to go coz its dark and oh ever so scarey outside...No I just dont want to..Im not being mardy here....but I'm not budging......
So anyway I am forced to go for a walk...so this is where I will be mardy..I go as fast as I can..I am not normally one to pull at all...but I just want it over and done with...so I go as fast as I can listening to bumface wheeze as she tries to keep up...then just as she has gotten into a good pace I stop dead to have a pretend sniff just to really annoy her..and then to annoy even more I wait until we get to the patch of grass by the busy road where there are always lots and lots of cars and spend 10 minutes pretending I am going to do a Nellie Doodle...then romp off again.
Then we are home , i am back in bed all snug and sleepy and bumface is bemoaning to Tbg about me...saying I ran the walk as I was scared of the dark... Tosh !!!!!
Thursday, 4 September 2008
May i remind you once more that no matter what these guys who live with me say, I do not have OCD , I am however a creature of habit.
That is unlike TBG who has to check hes locked the back door at least 8 times before he goes out......
As I said I am a hound, a creature of habit..so I cant see what their problem is ?
At the end of the garden- I use the term garden loosly..as 2 strides and its all over for me..we do have two very large and over grown conifers at the bottom, and typical of a mid terrace all the gardens are side to side with low fences ( apart from ours which have been Nellified- to stop me vaulting over them ).
Next door but one is a rented house and although they are no bother ( apart from them playing the drums in their cellar which made the floor boards shake like billy-o- I scarpered unsure if it was an earthquake or Twiggs trying to do aerobics again, both of which are equally terrifying...
TBG soon put a stop to that......)
They do how ever seem to like animals as they have a dog that I have never seen, but boy have I heard it...all day long bark bark bark !!!! I suppose its understandible really as they have 4 adult cats and 12 kittens/young cats.
About 2 weeks ago while I was in the garden producing a mighty fine Nellie doodle I had this horrible feeling I wasnt alone....I looked up and CHRISTMAS !!!
7 pairs of young feline eyes sat on the fence watching me..well I ran up and down tried to break the fence down in my need to play with them..I showed my teeth, I barked till I was hoarse..What did they do ?
They all ran away apart from the Ginger one who ran up one of the conifers.
Ole bumface soon rushed out to see what all the fuss was about and as they had all done a runner by then, I looked like a loon dancing under the tree.
I was told off and made to go indoors to bed and was chastised for thinking the phantom squirrel was up the tree - now i know it wasnt him as hes gone on vacation for a wee while.
Now at every oppertunity I get i am straight up the garden standing guard under that tree waiting for that pesky cat to get tired and fall into my mouth.
Now yes I am aware thats its been 2 weeks and that he would have fallen out by now...but you never know...also one good thing as I am a hound and choose not to answer to my name unless there is food involved, they have taken to keeping bits of sausage in the magic white thing they call a fridge........So,
I run out side
I stand under the tree
I look either all sad and forlorn or have my space hopper ears on.
They call me in,
I ignore them
They call again
I ignore them again
( repeat by 10)
I hear the magic white thing open
I smell sausages
I then come in...............
I eat sausage
Sunday, 17 August 2008
Like a scene out of Alien this Giant fat orange rabbitty looking thing is getting bigger and bigger...now I know my limits,,and I am NOT taking that on...I choose to stand back and observe ( well lets face it if Twiggs is going to be going bouncy bounce-bounce on it I am NOT going to be involved in any fall out when that thing goes " POP " )........ I stay under the table.....
Mr O goes first..... my goodness for a little fella, he bounces really really high...like a giant flea with orange hemmaroids...
Ellie-pup thinks its a giant bouncy ball and tries to chase/eat/ play with it
TBG and Mr O have a race on theirs..I am glad I am under the table ...thus meaning that other campers who are watching these fools cannot see me !!!!!
TBG is laughing so much he is forgetting to breathe and now sounds like Muttley......
Shandy Bandy - white emo child even cracks a smile when she has a go, then once she realises that no one on the camp site actually knows her and no one will ever know and wont ruin her street cred...theres no stopping her...shes like a ADHD child on blue smarties..trying to run Twiggs down ...mind you with her having Massive feet - she sounds like Pingu when she walks)...she has good leverage and boinnnngs really high......unlike Twiggs who looks like she is bouncing in a hole theres so much weight on top of the poor thing.................
When the children have finnished playing they put ours in the corner of the awning opposite where one of beds is.....then wonder why the hell I wont lay on my bed in the awning on my own.......would you with that grinning mennacingly at you ???????
How do know this ? I hear you ask.........
been up and down the cellar stairs getting all the camping gear out, which is a bit of a give away...and its raining and it has been raining for ages and ages now........ i think we need an ark not a vw camper...................and ahhhhh yes and twiggs & Tbg have been having the normal pre holiday bickerings..which normally involve Tbg telling her she has to travell light and not to bring so much stuff...which brings the bum face on straight away and her telling him to get stuffed...and alsoTwiggs cleaning the house like mad so burgulars dont think shes a dirty little madam ...
I dont really have to prepare much...as my servants will make sure they have every thing to pamper me with..all I have to do is save my flatulence up to share with them in the camper on the 3 hour drive...NO PROBLEM !!!!!
And were off...I give them 10 miles before I share the first of many little Nellie Gifts with them...which they TOTALLY over re-act to.. rolling windows down making gagging sounds..honestly they are just so ungreatful at times........ I saved that just for them !
We arrive to wonderful sunshine ( which is very very unusual......) to which Mommies little albino EMO starts slapping on the factor 160 which is like tooth paste giving her this even weirder than normal look..like a giant piece of dairylee with attitude...I try not to be seen with it..but have no choice as we are bannished together to sit under an oak tree to watch the pantomime............TBG & twiggs putting up the awning..
Borring borring..Boo, Hiss...
they didnt argue once- ok maybe a few withering looks and sharp in takes of breath - although I gather from TBG choice of words and him getting redder and redder in the face that there were plenty of rocks underfoot making it hard to bash the tent pegs in....
The white Shiny one was made to get up off her sulky black clad bum and put her own tent up......if she hadnt had over plucked her eye brows to the point of extinction I think she would have raised them that much that TBG whould have threatened to shave them all off any way...............................................................
All that remains is for Twiggs to put the air bed up............ now should I tell her that I am lay on the bung and she can blow to kingdom come but it just aint gonna inflate... Or Not ?
Thursday, 24 July 2008
Monday, 14 July 2008
Monday, 30 June 2008
Now why would I wish to break my legs going up those really really steep stairs ?
Reasons not to go up stairs !!!!
1) Shannon lives up there, with her loud music going thump thump thump ..... how would I sleep with that racket going on ?
2) Twiggs gets changed up stairs, now ive seen her in her under ware and its not really some thing I would like to view on a daily basis, gosh i'd never sleep with images like that in my head !
3) The bath room /toilet is up there and ive smelt what the TBG has delt.. enough said..
4) The kitchen is down here
5) food is down here
6) The t.v is down here
7) My bed/sofa are down here.
8) Next doors cat is in the garden ( sometimes) down here.
Reasons to Go up stairs
1) when twiggs brings them breckie in bed
2) The big bed up there......( mind you I'd have to scrap that idea as Twiggs sleeps like a star fish and I cant imagine i'd have too much room......
So thats one reason.........
So they may as well take the stair gate off as I have no desire to go up there really..mind its funny to watch twiggs struggle through it with the hoover, so may be they should leave it for now..........
Friday, 13 June 2008
Oh yes its fun to wiggle these big brightly coloured orb things in my face and wind me up like a clock work mouse !!!!!
And you seem to think its funny to let me play with them and giggle your heads off wincing ,waiting for that almighty pop and watching me jump out of my bloomin skin...wondering what the blooming hell had just happened
" Oh my goodness my toy has just exploded !!!!" me thought...actually it was more like " WTF !!!!...run hide shake"
Ok you have had your fun...I gather you had fun by the fact TBG was on his knees howling with laughter and Twiggs had tears and snot running down her face and was doing the shoulders going up and down...Im laughing so hard Im forgetting to breath type laughter !!!
Remember revenge is sweet and I have all day to lay on my bed thinking about it.................
Tuesday, 3 June 2008
Mr O's car pulled up and he got out and I was so excited as my bestest friend had come ( Ellie pup not Mr O...although he is pretty cool himself ! ) to play....
It was great to see her, she doesnt limp so much now since herlumpybumpyremoval op. She was looking good for someone of her years- Mrs O says Ellie pups not old..and we get told off if we call her old.... and Mrs O gives us THE LOOK which is a sterner version of THE BUMFACE.....
We had a great time : We walked Ellie up to the woods and all around them , where she jumped in the water and became SWAMPY DONKEY, I was lurred into the water, which only came up to my ankles..............which in Ellies case is nearly submerged due to her lack of stature.
We also took Ellie on her first train ride ( On a proper steam train -yawn, yawn)..she did well, I am so very glad she didnt hang out of the window like she does in the car !!!!!! ( or that Mr O didnt also)
We had a long long walk along the river, which was I note a grumpy 4 miles....... me and Ellie vote to stay at home next time...we will look after the house and keep the beds warm.
It was great to have a sleep over and see every one again...even if it was tiring..and Ellie pup got bitten by a beastie in the woods...and went All John Merrick for a couple of days....
Please come back soon, I miss you all x x x x x xx
We made some nom noms at home : much better than shop brought ones and much much more fun too !!!!!!!!
As soon as Twiggs open the packet I could smell something and had to bound into the kitchen to assist Shannon and Twiggs with the baking !!! You have to bear in mind the kitchen is long and narrow and theres not a great deal of room...but they soon moved up and made room for me.. must have been my cute appealing eyes, nothing at all to do with me nudging them at all ...!!!!!
It was great Shannon couldnt lick the bowl out..mind you given half the chance I think she would have " Done a Nellie" :i.e had a crafty lick when no one was looking !!!
There was flour every where and Shannon wery kindly let me stir the mix with my big sloppy tounge..and she let me lick the mix off her fingers ( ah-hem ...sorry about nibbling your fingers Shannon..but it was sooooooo nommy !) Shannon you rock !!!!!!! Even if Twiggs was being a grump muttering on about raw mix being bad for my belly- now thats just selfish, its fine for my belly thank you very much; its just not fine for you to be scooping up urban curry the next day ( urban curry so Mr O tells me is the same as a nellie Doodle or dog toffee, but runny....... the sort you see in the streets after you have slipped in it !!).
20 minutes of angony followed while the house was filled with the delicous aroma of doggy biscuits..... yes Twiggs I am aware that the oven is a hot-burny place but they are my cookis and if I want to stand in front of the door with my nose getting hotter pressing up against the glass..I will- well we dont want the phantom squirrel coming in and whisking them away while I am not looking !!!!!!
Then I had to wait while they cooled...ha ha ha very funny: they had made Nellie Doodle shaped ones too....I am not complaining..they are lovelly but Twiggs tells me they are to be rationed too...i will have to tell her to check the shelf life on them !!!!
Yum yum !
Friday, 30 May 2008
Sunday, 25 May 2008
When these guys to work, I have a routine which involves making a nest in my bed and playing statues with myself ( Ok for all of you who never had a childhood- Bit like TBG who was born old and is getting mopre child like as he get on in years, or so Twiggs says so..anyway at childrens parties they play a game called Statues where you have to stop when the music stops and stay as still as a statue.well I play this but I have adapted it....ie theres no music and just me and I have to stay still all day................................... zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz school..
But Twiggs is so selfish..she has upset my Zen training by having nearly 4 weeks off work.
TBG said she had to have an operation.... well she dissapeared for a couple of hours and TBG came back and was pacing the floor ( which normally means she has gone shopping)..any way he brought her home all floppy and she just lay on the sofa saying ( opps sorry SLURRING) random odd things then falling asleep , mouth agape drool attatching her to the pillow- I get told off for pillow licking..actually watching her was like watching TBG coming back from the beer church, but minus the kebab.
I think TBG was supposed to be looking after her, but he just laughed and took photos of big floppy Twiggs when she was asleep..then he drank beer.Bad nursey TBG !!!!!
Anyway, she is off work and its upsetting my routine..wasnt to bad at first when she couldnt move about..but now it moves and I have to follow it in case it should fill my bowl while Im not looking..and I am tired..and it takes me for walks..fair enough not massive great big long walks..but walks when I should be alseep..and shes cunning she wont chase me with the collar like TBG and then let me off when I hide..she harnesses me up while I am asleep...not fair...
I love Twiggs, But I also love sleep.Twiggs I am sure your hurts are all mended now..please go back to work and give me back my routine x x x x x x x
Monday, 12 May 2008
I was lured under false pretences to Nanny Nels house, all excited and happy as nanny Nels proper name is Nanny Cheese as she has an endless supply of cheese and puts milk in my water to coax me to drink...
So I was all happy and waggy to see Nanny Cheese, when horrors I allowed in the bathroom ( which is down stairs as she lives in a bunaglow- which I think means all on one level, which is a bit stoopid as Nanny Cheese has bedrooms upstairs ????? TBG says its a Dorma Bungalow..I says its a house........
Never been in a bathroom before and to be honest, dont think I will be quite so keen in future either as I was sniffing the big white thing and TBG scoops me up and plonks me in it...puts loads of water on me shampoohey ( yes spelt right) bubbly stuff on me, makes me look like a poodle and then hoses me off.......they seem to think the whole thing is very funny giggling and tittering...well I wasnt laughing much..... Nor was nanny Cheese once they released me and I ran into her front room and belly wiped my sodden fur all over her best rug over and over again.
Nanny Cheese did give me lots of cheese as a reward for being such a brave doggy- Get real, its not as if I really had much say in the matter really was it ????
Any way TBG has brought me a paddling pool, which he very kindly blew up with his own lung power- without passing out-did go a bit puce though !
I think he's having a laugh, I will look at it, maybe even sniff at it when no one is around to accidently on purpose push me in , walk around it -taking a very very wide berth..but I will not go in it...if he thinks its so great why doesnt he sit in it........... May do a Big Nellie-Doodle in it when he's not looking just so he gets the hint !!!!
Ollie had come along last year and won a competition for the quickest hound to snaffle sausages - good job i wasnt here last year-think I would have given him a serious run for his money-his prize for sausage snaffling was more sausages, to which he halved the record again when gobbling those...RESPECT TO OLLIE !!!!!! that is one amazing dog.
Ollie took his human into the Most appealing eyes round, think they must have gotten mixed up as Ollie took 2nd place ( think if they had wafted a plate of bangers in front of him, he would have looked most appealing and won...! )
Ollie also took his human into the sporting round, but Ollie couldnt keep still and had to leave the ring for a bit ( nothing to do with me whispering that there was a bloke giving free ice-creams to the first hound to leave the ring...honest !!!)
Ollie likes ice cream, looks like he likes it, dont think he actually tastes it by the way the little gannet wolfed it down..but respect to him again as he managed 2 whole ice creams and the half that shannon left .
Think he was disapointed that there were no sausages this year, not half as disapointed as me though.........................
Wednesday, 7 May 2008
Ok now think back to the accident that I had with the present ...... similar sort of thing - remember if you would please, I dont have any fingers !!!!!!!!
Shannon had left a book on the ottomanwoodtypethingthatnoonesknowswhattocall, and the picture on the front looked ace, really really interesting, so I thought I would investigate and see if the were any more pictures inside.. couldnt see any piccies but lots and lots of big words, I got really really engrosed in this book- before you judge me, I mean it was interesting in an intullectual sort of way not a rip and tear way... OK !!!!
But oooo-oh i got absorbed buy this book and agian remember no fingers, my little nail must have caught one of the page whilst I was turning it and I accidently ripped it ( OH GOODNESS ME) so I tried the stickydown with my tounge thingy- which yes I will accept was very remiss of me after last time, but I was in a panic ( after all it was Shannons book and you know what they say - like mother like daughter, i didnt want a junior bumface looming over me also !!!! )
Yes yes ok so you can guess the rest, i accidently managed to rip the front cover and several pages off and then had to rip them into tiny tiny bits to try and eat the evidence- but i dont have much of an appetite for paper...so ha..ha ! brainwave Twiggs had brought a 3 pack of kitchen roll which she had put in the kitchen...maybe if I opened that and scattered that every where the teeth-in-the-book thing would go unoticed..Tried that...will admit the best fun I have had in yonks !!!!
Then I felt really really guilty and lay on bed ...tumming turning, -see I do know the difference between right and wrong -oh yes and also that accidents will happen..
Any how when Twiggs came home I barked and barked at her to try and distract her from the mess..........................didnt work.....................
Am currently lay on my bed deflecting evil death stares which keep coming way ( im not allowed to have my tea yet and i am hungry- next time I should remember to swallow the paper)
Wednesday, 30 April 2008
I get really excited when twiggs comes back from shopping on her day off laiden with carrier bags and have to promptly shove my snout into each bag as I know she will always buy me one on her day off.!
Some times she is cruel and pretends she hasnt brought me one and starts unloading the bags while I lay on the floor looking all sad and huffing out loud.
Then " Ta-da ! " she will pull one out of no where like a magician- Now i'd rather she was a magician and pulled a rabbit outta a hat for me, but beggars cant be choosers.
I am so over come- sorry just cant help it that i will knock her over in the attempt to Give Paw then promptly run off in the other room to show the front room what i have, then into the dining room , then into the kitchen so all rooms can see my lovelly new gift !!!!!
Then run around and around dancing with doggy happiness.
Now there is a knack to eating chongy bones, you have to lick them excessively to get them soggy so you can get a really good chomp going on, now the best thing ever to get your own back for all the times you have been told to " get outta da kitchen" is to get them really really soggy and whilst you look like you are having a really good nom nom session , you are really grinding the bone into the carpet , leaving a big wet slimy wet patch... which will take forever and a day to remove, that really annoys Twiggs.
Once you have chewed for a while you have to leave it in places where people will trip over it, or step on it in bare feet ( tut, tut, Shannon has to wear slippers, so should they ) to which they will exclaim something I cant understand, but im sure its flemmish for " Oh deary me I should really put slippers on and be more careful " sounds a bit like "ohforfourfootsnakenellie"
You can chew chunks of it off and then pretend you are choking on it, by coughing and retching like crazy that normally makes them panic big style, ( make sure they are in the same room as you otherwise its not quite so dramatic- even better wait until they are eating their tea) and then just as they are about to put their fingers in your mouth you gob it out like a big wet dead albino frog onto their bare feet.........
They come in all shapes, I quite the ring ones as I can run about like mad with it in my mouth like a giant hupla ring, and not worry about smacking on the door jam as I run about - nearly got whiplash last time...dont see the point in the boot shape ones..... thats just teaching bad habits.
Monday, 28 April 2008
Sunday, 27 April 2008
Friday, 25 April 2008
They are convinced that I am part feline for several unfounded reasons :
1) I love sardines & fish ( and TBG doesnt like a bit of battered cod with his chips ?)
2) I like to sit on your lap, ok I dont exactly sit on your lap as such as I am too big for that-apart from Twiggs who due to the size of her thunderous thighs has a huge lap. When I am lying on the sofa I use who ever is sat next to me as a giant Nellie cushion,as its not exactlly a big squishy squashy sofa.
3) I purr- well excuse me, I do not purr its a Nellie snore- and yes I do it with or with out my eyes closed, its due to the length of my neck & muzzle and having such a huge tounge..thank you very much, so it most certainly is not a Purr, yup its a Nellie snore and any one who says other wise will be sued for slander.
4) Snoozing in the sunshine- look I have no fat, I am like a giant reptile I store the heat that I absorb for when tightwad TBG turns the central heating off- that is until Twiggs notices and puts it back on.
5) I arch my back like a kitty when I am having a stretch, well blow me down...I am like 15 foot long you know, if I could get my legs above my head I would strech like tbg...although I would refrain from the acompanying scratching of the man bits !
6) I am very undemanding like a cat, i am not in your face, fuss me fuss me all the time, If I wish to be fussed I will allow you to do so and if I dont I will ignore you and walk away.
Ok I dont bury my Nellie Doodles, my tounge is not all dry and raspy, I dont find balls of string all that enertaining,I dont walk around showing my brown eye off, I dont go mew mew mew, I go WOOFETY WOOF WOOF !
I AM NOT A CAT, every thing is just conincidental !!!!!!!!
Monday, 21 April 2008
Ok, well Twiggs works on the Railway, if you didnt know her and asked what she did for a living, she would probally lie as people think she's a spotter, ( past occupations she has pretended to have are bin man, sewer unblocker, enemema giver, boil lancer)........... In fact I know that TBG only married her so he could get a free train pass- although when Twiggs is around he will say that it was her beauty and charm that did it, I know it was free choo-choo travel.
The main reason she doesnt tell people is that they start ringing her at home or texting her like she is National Rail enquires.and she looks a bit odd, with out confirming that is a bit weird selling tickets all day- like when she comes home from work after a busy or hard one, TBG has often remarked , " Well how hard can it be selling train Tickets all day ?" , yes he does get the bum face look in return & a dead leg
Now on a sat night Twiggs & TBG get the DMU ( I know what this means, cos I is clever) to Bridgenorth , which means picnic and beer on the chuffer as theres a bar on the train .. I think this is the only reason Twiggs goes on it as normally TBG gets the bumface when he drags Twiggs on it and Twiggs tends to inform him that he is NOT Fred Dibnah and she doesnt believe all this nonsense he gives about the
mechanics etc etc that it is beacause he is the SPOTTER... and a big kid still..................
Anyway as I have mentioned before it was at Bridgenorth they saw the poster about the Greyhound meet & greet and ended up with my wonderful self.
They take me on the train and its great now services are up and running again, although they have to pay for me ( and I am not allowed on the seats.......grrrrrrrrr !) although I did try once and got told off made to lie on the floor- which actually wasnt too bad.
TBG took me to Worcester on a normal train the other day, which was ok, not as nice though as we didnt have our own compartment, and there were loads of noisy teenagers -who all looked the same-making loads of noise and grannies with their millions of shopping bags which I wasnt allowed to have a sniff in as TBG had me on The Short Lead ( he makes the lead like 2cm long so I cant scour the floor for offerings or make a nuisance of myself).
I saw Twiggs at work..it was really funny, people ask the for oddest things like "AHalfSingleReturn."which Twiggs says means One adult and one child day return to brum please.........................................................Or "Wotplatformfordroitwich" which means "Please could you tell me which platform I need to go to in order to catch the next service to droitwich please"
Trains are ok, normally there are people on trains which means either food or fuss & attention, which cant be bad
Sunday, 20 April 2008
I am a dog, a canine, a hound , I go woof woof....
Thursday, 17 April 2008
c) Be loved
I love to stretch, I am a contortionist............. I love to stetch, with my back side in air ( usually pointing in TBG's Face with him saying " Nellie, do you mind ?"- no I dont actually thats why I am doing it )
Some times like people do at yoga classes, I a may accidently stretch too much and "foof !" out one will slip, And I wasnt expecting it too !
Which normally results in me looking perplexed as to where the hell did that noise come from, then looking at TBG as to say and where the heck did that smell come from ???????
I love to yawn too, I will yawn any where even when I am not tired ( yes this is possible you Know)...I even yawn when out walking, stutting down the street then yawny-yawn-yawn...... luckily I havent managed to swallow any flies yet ( unlike one unlucky person whizzing about in the forest on her bike -zonk.....big black fly-right to back of the throat.....gag, gag, gag !!)
Some time I will even wake up to yawn and if I am really lucky I will yawn whilst mid stetch...