Move over bumface

Camping in the camper van..........hhhmmmm.....nice big bed inside of camper..squishy and comfy..normally I jump in first coz Twiggs is faffing about with Gnat lotion or Gnat bite relief lotion, or counting her Gnat bites....TBG is normally up at the toilet block doing a TBG doodle ....... So firstly Twiggs moans at me cos I am lay in the middle, well excuse me I am a hound I dont know what a middle is, I just do Nellie comfy ..so the quilt is yanked away and I find myself sliding towards the window...then she hoiks her big bottom in taking all the quilt to cover it.
Then Tbg will come and take up more of my room and normally one of them will end up breaking wind and then blaming it on me......( as if )
Then one of them will snore...Twiggs does this weird breathing in and not exhailling thing..I wait with bated breath to see if she gonna breathe out or if shes dead....TBG just sounds like Mutley.
Then theres the starfish thing that Twiggs does - she says its due to siatica- I say its due to too many pies and chunky thighs, which ends up with me squished up by the steering wheel...and pardon me if i dare step outside of the 5 inches I am allocated, they fidget, grunt and smell.

2 whole nights I had to endure this, 2 whole nights : then we had the mother of all thunder storms and Albino Big brave " i like all things dark & scarey" Emo child didnt want to sleep on her own in her tent and Twiggs who really really hates storms volunteered to stay in tent with said emo...and ended up in there for the rest of the holiday.........partly as on that first night we had 6 storms one after the other and it didnt get much better after that......IT WAS FANTASTIC......... me and TBG camping out together..or more importantly me taking up twiggs side of the camper...ha ha ha, and I think TBG enjoyed sleeping with me more and I dont snore or smell as bad as Twiggs or hog the quilt ( much ! ).
Then twiggs is normally awake early due to having a weak bladder and a hike to the toilet block..and she would come and sit in the awning waiting for me and TBG to wake up...ha ha sucker...we'd leave her out there for an hour looking all sad and moonfaced...while we pretended to be alseep all snug....... well she chose to sleep in the tent..The camper is mine all mine......

Dark Nights

Ha ha ha......
Some people are so funny....... for the record let it be said " I am not scared of the dark !"
I am very much unlike the Albino-Emo-scene-goth -moody teen that lives in this house..who is scared of the toilet / under-the-bed-/hiding on the landing/sitting in the wardrobe monster and has to leave all the lights blaring in case said monster should jump out and actually make it smile !!!
What I am scared of is being Hood-winked like I was last night....
Twiggs dared to dangle the lead in my face...well I was comfy all snug on my duvet and to be honest I was really tired as I had just spent 10 minutes beating the bejayus out of Tony the tiger ( my newly aquired hunting aide...ok its a teddy..but its a dead teddy now)
Any way I am nearly in the land of twitchy paws..and dangle dangle plop my lead is swaying in front of my eyes...what is the woman doing trying to hypnotise me ?
No way hose am I moving so I hide my face in my bed..trying the ole-" I cant see you so you are not there trick ".......it doesnt work !
Then I hear the Magic White thing open ..... And Emo child is rattling the sausage box...I race off my bed and bound into the kitchen all happy and mad-waggy and I get a sausage..nom, nom..life does not get much better than this, firstly I have avoided a walk and secondly I get sausages...then I turn around to go back to bed and Drat !!!!! Ole bum face is stood in the kitchen doorway : coat on lead in hand, I HAVE BEEN TRICKED !!! I cant believe Shannon has taken part in such deceitful behaviour...Ole bum face thinks its really really funny ........
Pah...not happy..so she opens the front door...and I start playing statues and refusing to move...I had an hours walk on sunday...why do i need another one this month ?
Twiggs thinks I dont want to go coz its dark and oh ever so scarey outside...No I just dont want to..Im not being mardy here....but I'm not budging......
So anyway I am forced to go for a walk...so this is where I will be mardy..I go as fast as I can..I am not normally one to pull at all...but I just want it over and done with...so I go as fast as I can listening to bumface wheeze as she tries to keep up...then just as she has gotten into a good pace I stop dead to have a pretend sniff just to really annoy her..and then to annoy even more I wait until we get to the patch of grass by the busy road where there are always lots and lots of cars and spend 10 minutes pretending I am going to do a Nellie Doodle...then romp off again.
Then we are home , i am back in bed all snug and sleepy and bumface is bemoaning to Tbg about me...saying I ran the walk as I was scared of the dark... Tosh !!!!!

Sausage Tree

We have a sausage producing tree in our garden ...its great !!

May i remind you once more that no matter what these guys who live with me say, I do not have OCD , I am however a creature of habit.
That is unlike TBG who has to check hes locked the back door at least 8 times before he goes out......
As I said I am a hound, a creature of habit..so I cant see what their problem is ?
At the end of the garden- I use the term garden loosly..as 2 strides and its all over for me..we do have two very large and over grown conifers at the bottom, and typical of a mid terrace all the gardens are side to side with low fences ( apart from ours which have been Nellified- to stop me vaulting over them ).
Next door but one is a rented house and although they are no bother ( apart from them playing the drums in their cellar which made the floor boards shake like billy-o- I scarpered unsure if it was an earthquake or Twiggs trying to do aerobics again, both of which are equally terrifying...
TBG soon put a stop to that......)
They do how ever seem to like animals as they have a dog that I have never seen, but boy have I heard it...all day long bark bark bark !!!! I suppose its understandible really as they have 4 adult cats and 12 kittens/young cats.
About 2 weeks ago while I was in the garden producing a mighty fine Nellie doodle I had this horrible feeling I wasnt alone....I looked up and CHRISTMAS !!!
7 pairs of young feline eyes sat on the fence watching me..well I ran up and down tried to break the fence down in my need to play with them..I showed my teeth, I barked till I was hoarse..What did they do ?
They all ran away apart from the Ginger one who ran up one of the conifers.
Ole bumface soon rushed out to see what all the fuss was about and as they had all done a runner by then, I looked like a loon dancing under the tree.
I was told off and made to go indoors to bed and was chastised for thinking the phantom squirrel was up the tree - now i know it wasnt him as hes gone on vacation for a wee while.
Now at every oppertunity I get i am straight up the garden standing guard under that tree waiting for that pesky cat to get tired and fall into my mouth.
Now yes I am aware thats its been 2 weeks and that he would have fallen out by now...but you never know...also one good thing as I am a hound and choose not to answer to my name unless there is food involved, they have taken to keeping bits of sausage in the magic white thing they call a fridge........So,
I run out side
I stand under the tree
I look either all sad and forlorn or have my space hopper ears on.
They call me in,
I ignore them
They call again
I ignore them again
( repeat by 10)
I hear the magic white thing open
I smell sausages
I then come in...............
I eat sausage

Boingy-Boingy

Use the Foot pump you dozy old sold..your heart cannot take it...!

Like a scene out of Alien this Giant fat orange rabbitty looking thing is getting bigger and bigger...now I know my limits,,and I am NOT taking that on...I choose to stand back and observe ( well lets face it if Twiggs is going to be going bouncy bounce-bounce on it I am NOT going to be involved in any fall out when that thing goes " POP " )........ I stay under the table.....
Mr O goes first..... my goodness for a little fella, he bounces really really high...like a giant flea with orange hemmaroids...
Ellie-pup thinks its a giant bouncy ball and tries to chase/eat/ play with it
TBG and Mr O have a race on theirs..I am glad I am under the table ...thus meaning that other campers who are watching these fools cannot see me !!!!!
TBG is laughing so much he is forgetting to breathe and now sounds like Muttley......
Shandy Bandy - white emo child even cracks a smile when she has a go, then once she realises that no one on the camp site actually knows her and no one will ever know and wont ruin her street cred...theres no stopping her...shes like a ADHD child on blue smarties..trying to run Twiggs down ...mind you with her having Massive feet - she sounds like Pingu when she walks)...she has good leverage and boinnnngs really high......unlike Twiggs who looks like she is bouncing in a hole theres so much weight on top of the poor thing.................
When the children have finnished playing they put ours in the corner of the awning opposite where one of beds is.....then wonder why the hell I wont lay on my bed in the awning on my own.......would you with that grinning mennacingly at you ???????

Here we go again

I guess its time for us to go camping again...
How do know this ? I hear you ask.........
TBG has
been up and down the cellar stairs getting all the camping gear out, which is a bit of a give away...and its raining and it has been raining for ages and ages now........ i think we need an ark not a vw camper...................and ahhhhh yes and twiggs & Tbg have been having the normal pre holiday bickerings..which normally involve Tbg telling her she has to travell light and not to bring so much stuff...which brings the bum face on straight away and her telling him to get stuffed...and alsoTwiggs cleaning the house like mad so burgulars dont think shes a dirty little madam ...
I dont really have to prepare much...as my servants will make sure they have every thing to pamper me with..all I have to do is save my flatulence up to share with them in the camper on the 3 hour drive...NO PROBLEM !!!!!
And were off...I give them 10 miles before I share the first of many little Nellie Gifts with them...which they TOTALLY over re-act to.. rolling windows down making gagging sounds..honestly they are just so ungreatful at times........ I saved that just for them !

We arrive to wonderful sunshine ( which is very very unusual......) to which Mommies little albino EMO starts slapping on the factor 160 which is like tooth paste giving her this even weirder than normal look..like a giant piece of dairylee with attitude...I try not to be seen with it..but have no choice as we are bannished together to sit under an oak tree to watch the pantomime............TBG & twiggs putting up the awning..
Borring borring..Boo, Hiss...
they didnt argue once- ok maybe a few withering looks and sharp in takes of breath - although I gather from TBG choice of words and him getting redder and redder in the face that there were plenty of rocks underfoot making it hard to bash the tent pegs in....
Ha ha
The white Shiny one was made to get up off her sulky black clad bum and put her own tent up......if she hadnt had over plucked her eye brows to the point of extinction I think she would have raised them that much that TBG whould have threatened to shave them all off any way...............................................................
All that remains is for Twiggs to put the air bed up............ now should I tell her that I am lay on the bung and she can blow to kingdom come but it just aint gonna inflate... Or Not ?

Nanny Cheese

Oh Nanny Cheese, how I love you so much, i know Nanny Cheese was a bit worried that I was a bit stand-offish with her, I wasnt really, I just had a wee bee in my doggy bonnet as I wasnt allowed on her squishy squashy sofas and had to make do with the hard cold floor.......

No amout of cheesy type bribery could make me happy until I had parked my hairy skinny bottom on those pink velour sofas......every time I went to her house ( oooopps, sorry bungalow-yeah the bungalow with an upstairs..hey I be a hound but I am not totally like stupid...its a house if it has stairs...........any way every time we went there every one would plonk their fat bums on the sofas and poor ole mesome would have to try and get comfy on the FLOOR !!!!.not fair.........

TBG has been getting the camper ready for Happy holidays with the O family, so he's been outside and ive been stuck inside sulking , pinning, moaning about this.............. So Nanny Cheese has ALLOWED ME ON THE SOFA................its only taken over a year, but I got there in the end..and the wait was well worth it, they are so comfy, not leather like ours, which I always much the merriment of others always manage to slide off or get myself scalded for messing the throws Twiggs neatly arranged on them ........ theres nothing like wrestling the throws and seeing if how many knots I can get in them before Twiggs gives me that Bum face looks !!!!

The sofa at Nanny Cheeses house is only a 2 seater and Shannons always sprawled on it so I have to try and push her off, or squeeze on to the arm chairs and make a big fuss about it, making out that its way way too small, huffing and puffing and doing the " how sad am I eye thing" until Nanny Cheese feels sorry for me and makes ole Emo face move her sulky butt and change places with me, so I can sprawl on the 2 seater.......................only 3 snags though..... Emo child then gives me her Moody eyebrow wiggle- "I'm really not happy with you face- which is nearly as bad as the bum face, & Nanny Cheese's chair looks dead snug as it has a leg rest thing that springs up, so i am going to have to hatch a plan how to comander that seat off her and lastly now I have my new sleeping place how can I train Nanny Cheese to bring me cheese and hand feed me while I rest, rather than have to drag my self into the kitchen and do the " Arnt i a good doggy, heres my paw thing ?"

Sleep walking sausage snaffler

I was doing what I do best...acting as a giant draught excluder, sprawled out along the dining room floor catching up on some z's...The next thing I know I am being yelled at in the " you've been a very very bad doggy sorta way"....... I nearly jumped outa my skin...!!!!!! What has I done now.. ?

Tbg says that I ate the sausages..( what sausages ?)

Tbg says that Twiggs had cooked them and left them on the side to cool so TBG & Shannon could have them cold the next day...bit silly leaving them on the side if you ask me, even if they were pushed right to back of the work surface..I am a canine Giraffe.I can reach where other pooches cannot- Disclaimer, I say I CAN reach, but choose not to as I am a good doggy and do not steal food..OK !!)

Any way TBG says that he heard a noise then it went quiet, then he heard a noise again...and he says he caught me up at the work surface with said banger in my chops , caught in the act of sausage snaffling.....he says that I hadnt eaten them all, but was in the process of slowly and quietly removing them one by one taking them into the dining room and Nom nom nomming them.... now I say If I was doing it I must have been so far into the land of nod...the aroma of cooling pigs lips & arses and offal must have triggered some thing in my subconcious...and I WAS DOING IT IN MY SLEEP........honest I wouldnt steal food , not when I can do the "sad hungry feed me im starving eye thing" also in my defense do you honestly think i could either be quite so sneaky or have enough restraint to take them one by one...No way ! If I was guilty I would have just gone the whole hog and and chobbled them all at once before I was stopped and risked leaving any in the dish...and probally would have broken the dish at the same time ( hey if you are gonna get yelled at you may as well give them a real valid excuse to send you to your bed ( punnishment- sent to my bed ???- oh yeah thats really really punnishment )

So do you believe me ? I was asleep...any way, given a choice- that is if I was awake at the time the crime as such took place: I wouldnt have eaten their sausages as they were Chilli sausages and I know what happens the next day when Ive had too much protein- and now I know what happens if I eat chillied foods- uh-huh...an urban curry, but a stingy Nellie doodle bottom and Twiggs doing a chicken dance while scooping it up ( heaving aplenty)..............................

I was asleep honest.....................