Morning Call

So we have the Dragon staying..all can't be too bad Tbg and twiggs are still speaking and the dragon hasn't been banished or gaffer taped up and bunged in the cellar yet...
The Dragon is only a teeny tiny person well under a foot shorter than twiggs and half Tbg size..... but goodness me what a lot of noise for one small person ( ah-hem yes if I choose to break wind and share it with you.....I don't care, I really have no shame....and if you are really lucky i will do the stretchy point head down tail and bum in the air...Aim & take fire thing...............I dont care...And If it burns your eyes and makes you gag...shame...you shouldn't have given me the sprouts in the first place) But I WILL NOT TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR OTHER PEOPLE GAS EMISSIONS EVER !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And she snores......takes up the whole sofa so I am squished in between Twiggs & Tbg...while she is sprawled on the other Braying like a donkey in her sleep keeping me awake..........................
Anyway twiggs had the delight of sleeping with her ( I don't think The Dragon liked Twiggs shouting "Quick burglars...Hide !! " and shoving her head under the quilt...when there was a smelly pocket of air waiting for her under the quilt cover)
I get to sleep downstairs with TBG................ I did originally think hurrah cuddles all night...not realising he would be sleeping on a single camp bed with no room for me and watching saddo Telly ( you know...Mythbusters..- yawn-.Water ways...-yawn-.how its made..-yawn-.sad railway programs...all the stuff Twiggs huffs at and makes him change channels......but most of the night he had the telly on keeping me awake......................
M'eh............
So I waited till about 4am when he had drifted off into the land of nod ...deep into the land of dribble on your chin...and pretended I wanted to go out for a wee-wee...............
Then hey as he was awake I thought he may as well fed me my breckie now.......
No
He wouldn't feed me
M'eh.........................
So
I tried the low pitched whine..............
I tried the jumping on him thing...........
I tried dancing about the room...
After half an hour
Just before I wound myself up into a big big barking frenzy
he mutters something
and sucessssssssssssssssssssssss
i have breckie early........
When twiggs gets up though I get the old bumface looks all day as TBG keeps moaning about The Bloody Dog keeping him up all night..............
Actually I think TBG i only kept you awake for 35 minutes.......you kept me awake longer watching stoooopid oldmens telly

Dragon-in- law

Har har Christmas is but 2 days away...TBG keeps shaking his head and muttering things a little dog should not hear under his breath.....
I think the reason is because Twiggs has invited her mommy over for christmas...I dunno what her name is Twiggs calls her mommy, Albino emo calls her Nanny..TBG calls her The Dragon...so I am thinking her name is dragon.
I dont think TBG is going to collect her, from what he says I think she is flying here on her broomstick...I wonder how she will manage all pressies riding high on a besum ????
The good thing is Twiggs has to sleep with her due to the lack of bed and I get to sleep with TBG down stairs.HURRAAHHHHHH..........!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am soo looking forwards to christmas now.....
I wish The Dragon could come to live here so i can snuggle with TBG every night...Dont think he'd like that very much though..( not the snuggley bit the
dragon living with us........
Remeber Tbg a dragon is for life and not just for christmas................

Its CHRISTMAAAAAAAAAAAAAS........ !

Now now I know its the time of giving and who nicer to give to than me ?
I will really really adore and love you if you should wish to bestow gifts of edible nom-noms upon me and maybe the odd...squeeky toy that I can throw about and ravish.....
But beware................ I may look like I have been dropped from a great height and splatted on the floor..as dead as dean could ever be.....how ever I am watching you always..admittingly with one eye closed...( I can see you wrapping that doggy toy- no matter that you profess its a gift for some ones baby...I know, I know..))
I also have x-ray vision and will know which is my gift no matter how carefully you wrap and disguise it...its canine intuition......
Also when someone gave Twiggs a dog bone shaped pressie and she snook it to the behind the tree.I knew it was ment for me......

I waited, and waited ( until the two legged one had left the room, that is)
And again there I was having a snifty around the tree, just checking the phantom squirrel hadnt snook in the house and was hiding so he could let his mates in when we wernt looking and pinch all the alinbo emos stuff....see how nice I am looking after the silent ones interests !!!!!
Any way a branch flicked me in the eye and whilst I shaking my head to clear my vision - genetics wont allow me to rub my eye with my paw - the bone shaped gift fell into my mouth- yes you heard me IT FELL- and in the process of shaking my head it unwrapped.......now we have been here before and the only thing I could think to do was to destroy the evidence...sadly though wrapping paper and selotape is too chewy to swallow...
TBG caught me and I gave him the ole sad....it wasnt me...I did it accidently on purpose look....( and cowered..not that i have a need to cower..but he's a sucker and it works every time and all was well... x
I will apologise to the red suited one and if he should wish the saddle up the ole reindeers and head to my house I promise i wont open any more gift early ever ever again..unless its an accident.......
Talking of accidents...Twiggs I am ever so sorry about about killing that teddy with the santa hat on...he jumped off the side and was trying to pull my teeth out with his little furry paws when you walked in the room ..we were wrestling....what else could I do ?

Choke-choke

Ah-hem...when I am lay on back....giving it my all...legs a flapping..this means I need my belly rubbed...not just a quick pat...Im talking a serious no less than 10 minute belly-full-on attention..... If however during this time I start to cough and splutter...this means..
I am in danger of swallowing my tounge as I forgotten to loll it out and stick it to the carpet.
I am also aware of two things...
1) Do I get up and to uncurl my tounge from my tonsils..to avaoid choking to death ?
Or
2)Do I just lay there in obvillion..in tummy heaven...choking ?

Ok so the answer is normally 2

So in case this senario should happen again please do the following

1) Stop stoking ( we can always carry on where we left off later
2) Make me stand up ( Even if you have to pick me up -or bribe with a sausage....actually just bribe me - I have no pride)
3) Pat my back - remember I said pat not whack or thump
4) Failing that put your fingers in mouth and uncurl my tounge....now the best method is to make sure you have a large block of cheese between your fingers..this will entice the tounge back up.........

Under no circumstances must you laugh or imply that I am a retard.....this will result me being very unhappy and disturbed...so distubed in fact I will lose control of my bladder by the back door while you are asleep..............

Muuuuuuuuuuuuuuud !!!!

Oh yes, oh yes...the front door has closed and were off...off in the direction of the park ( well thats where I am going twiggs may chooes to follow if she wishes......
Oh lovelly the enclosure is deserted..so Twiggs doesnt have to wait for it to empty, politely refusing to go in when other dogs are running about...even though the owners of said running about dogs are inviting her in so I can play with their dogs......... Twiggs just tells them that I am a shy dog....( more like a rabid biting running machine and Twiggs doesnt want me to flatten and bowl any other small breeds over- I say bring it on...the vets is only around the corner...but no I am like Forrest Gump...A Lone Runner......
Anyhooo we are off....of course I have to spend the first 10 minutes having a meander and a sniff and 60 wee-wee's............then again as mentioned before I have to go up the far corner...furthest away from Twiggs and do a big big two-bagger Nellie doodle ( this way Twiggs has to run like Billy-o to pick it up before I run back through it whilst looping the loop)
1,2 anddddddddddddddd 3 i'm off wind whistling through my ears......"Oh NOOOOOOOO
MUD............. "
Slippppppppppp I cant stop: Im cornering and ive banked over too far and slipped in the mud and im still sliding...and I'm upright and not lost my stride and its back around the ciruit again and its " oh no "i forgot about that patch of mud I have just slipped in and i'm over again....
Now im stood by the bottom gate : i want to go home now...I wasnt built for mud wrestling...
Twiggs is not laughing like I thought she would be ..seeing as I have just fallen over in the dirt......( i think she was worried I may have hurt myself)
But she did ring TBG on the way home and much to my embarassment she told him and them she laughed...........
She wasnt laughing went she got home and saw how dirty I was...( after I tried to wipe the mud off on the rug)
So she washed me and hugged me and gave me traets as I was a wounded( well my pride was-
Down side is Im not allowed off the lead over the park until the mud dries up......

TWIRLY

Forget GMT in this house we have Nellie time : Every thing is done by Nellie Time..I say when din-dins time is..If I decide I would like my dinner time to be brought forward to 3pm instead of 5pm ...Thats Nellie time and will involve me shadowing you..trying to trip you up..annoying you in every way I possibily can from jumping on you and slurping your face to looking all sad and pathetic and becomeing a large wiggliy trip hazzard..down to just barking at you...to which the response is " Nellie , you are TWIRLY...!!!- its no where near dinner/ breakfast/sausage/milko time "
TWIRLY ? TWIRLY...what is Twirly when it comes to Nellie time...All I know is it envolves a long wait normally..........................................................

Men & kites

"Twiggs, twiggs..me and the albino emo went for a walk up Clent and saw people flying kites and Nellie was really interested and had her space hopper head on...! "enthused TBG when twiggs got home from work...( remember what I said about the greyhound pretend death radar laser ear thing...well thats what was going on...I WAS TRYING TO KILL THE FLYING BIT O CLOTH BEFORE IT FELL ON ME..at NO point was I looking enthusiastic..or like I wanted one )
So thus the week went on with him doing the blokey I want one, I want one thing....
Hummmmmph.....
Oh joy oh joy oh joy...He got one...lucky ole me.....I know it means yet another sunday walk ( whopppie-do -dah) which means Bloomin Clent, which means as soon as I am yanked outta my warm comfy spot in the VW van ( oh yes I now have a soft bed in there thanks to Twiggs being a soft touch) its up hill straight away no warm up...no gentle meander..just calf hurty walking way, listening to Twiggs puff and watching the albino emo actually go another colour other than white or transparent...( bright red)
We find the spot and yes he of engineering background has to do it all correctly..no faffing.....all precise,,,( fred Dibnah has a lot to answer for)...anyhoooo Emo pants is first..Its FREEZING cold and windy too...as it was a cheapo kite it kept nose diving in my direction..I had visions of going to the doggy doctor to to have bits of cloth removed from where it had been impailed in my skull........ Twiggs had to keep walking me round as it was sooooooooooo cold.. ( But the albino emo actually SMILED and I think I heard it laugh....mind you that could have been wind ???)
Then TBG has a go and it all gets really serious..he is actually quite good then again he does have the arm span of a gibbon....the Twiggs says..." Ooohhh look over there its gone awfully dark.." to which we all look and see hell descending in on us in the form of a storm....TBG rolled that kite up quicker than ive seen him eat a super sour bag of pick a mix from Woolies and we legged it...then came the rain and more and more...we were drenched...the the Albino Fell over big style how she didnt slide bum first to bottom of the hill I will never know...her mom was very supportive and laughed like a braying donkey on double expresso..........
I was wet and misreable and it was past dinner time and then as the camper van steamed up we had tpdrive home with the windows down.Brrrrrrrrrrrr......
The kite has not been seen since, but however Twigg's new dusters look mighty familar.

Evil Jack Frost

"Oh look its all white and frosty out side..... ooh its all crispy and white..............." Really are not words that inspire me to rouse my furry back side off my big warm snuggilly bed and go for a long long romp ..
Its a shame that TBG cant see that I am laying in bed pretending to be dead FOR A REASON while they all zip and boot up....and its not until my bed ( with little ole mesome)is dragged in to the middle of the room and pulled rudely from underneath me and I am collared up as I fall from my bed ..that I accept grudingly that my fate is a really long walk in the really really cold...
Great they have hats on, they have gloves on, they have scarves on..( ok apart from the Albino emo one...coz its really like uncool and someone see knows may see her and think she really like ummmm un- cool ( actually she's really cool...cool to the point of freezing)..I have my coat on..no hat no gloves, no scarf...Twiggs used to put a scarf on me but TBG wasnt to keen......what about leg warmers ?..have you seen the length of my legs ?...Actually I would like a giant nellie snuggy romper suit..but like a giant electric blankie........oh lovelly..........( not a knitted one though..have you seen wool when its wet ???? a bit of drizzle, my body weight would quadruple and i'd never get home..plus Twiggs would probally vomit..( she has this squeeky wet wool phobia thing going on)
Anyway off we go...im lagging behind with the Albino emo who really doesnt want to be out walking any more than I do.........
Its not too bad once we get to the woods its really rather plesant really...I have to time having a nellie-doodle just right..not too far from the entrance so when I have to do a Urban curry they still have to pick it up but just that too far from the litter bins so they either have to walk back to it or carry it around with them.... At this point I choose NOT to walk with the Albino emo one as with the size of her feet and the fact she is always dragging them she has a tendancy to fall over a lot..and as there is mud and some parts are slippy I walk with TBG..as I dont want her to slip over and land on me or Twiggs to wee on me with her week middle age womans bladder when she is laughing at Albino emo for falling over...TBG is the safest bet by far.
So ok I will admit the walky-walk-walk bit around the woods is good as there are squirrels ( real visable ones, which are distant cousins to the phantom one that lives with us and humans cant see)... I am not allowed to chase them..so I do the greyhound space hopper radar ear killer thing..where I pretend my ears are radars which emit a death beam..to anhillate all squirrels... !!!!!!
I just hate the thought of going out ( unless i know they are going to town or to those horrible places where hounds are not allowed in ..then I demand to be taken..ha ha) I am not agraphobic at all... I is just a hound......